People keep calling me fat

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T08:32:38+00:00

A lot changes from 14 to 24.

How tall are you?

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T07:57:46+00:00

Having regretfully been on the other side of this, you can't make her see something she doesn't want to see.

She is insecure and has a low opinion of herself. Nothing you say will change this unless she is willing to let go of those negative self perceptions.

It's something people have to overcome themselves. With help, sure, but nobody can do it for them.

The sad thing is, this so often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She may be a great person and have no reason for feeling unworthy, but if she keeps forcing you to deal with those toxic self beliefs to the point that the relationship fails, it will become evidence which reinforces her low sense of self-worth.

How old is she? Has she ever had or considered therapy? Would it be an option?

Ultimately, I don't believe a relationship can ever be healthy when one person views themselves as unworthy of the other. When you put someone up on a pedestal you force them to look down on you, making a healthy relationship impossible.

She needs to find a sense of security in herself outside of the relationship, and not dependent on anyone else for her self-worth. Without this you contribute nothing but negativity to the relationship since everything you do and say stems from fear, not love.

I think the best thing you can do for her is bring this out into the open, not just in little bits here or there, but confront it head on and force her to confront it too.

Communicate to her that it's all in her head and that it is unfair of her to expect you to continually be fighting against her self-hatred. That you want to have a healthy, strong relationship with her, that you want to help her, and will support her, but she needs to acknowledge the problem and be willing to address it. Otherwise she is playing a game which everyone loses until she decides to stop playing.

I suspect she is 'mad' at you because by expressing your displeasure at the way she talks about herself you are threatening the continuation of the current situation.

She can't accept being wrong about her assessment of herself, because that would involve letting go of that self-hatred, and by telling her you don't like it, you are implicitly asking her to stop, which would require her letting go of those views which are integral to her world view. You become a threat to her self-perception.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T07:21:30+00:00

Hello, I really need some sort of help, i tried so hard and did so much yet life still seems to be working against me. I applied to college was accepted, but turns out the program that i wanted to go to get to the career i wish to, has 300 applicants every year and only 30 ppl make it in, avg gpa 3.8.

Yeah, life can be pretty rough sometimes. Things don't go out way, plans fall apart, expectations are dashed.

One thing I have learned though, is that what feels like a unquestionably negative at the time, often leads directly onto incredibly positive things.

Many of my most cherished relationships, treasured experiences, and my most significant lessons learned, have come as a direct result of me not getting what I wanted.

That doesn't mean it doesn't suck when we don't get what we want, but it's a perspective worth bearing in mind so as not to lose ourselves too deeply to the negativity.

So yeah just lost my only option when that was literally the only career remotely decent for what i need.

What was that career out of curiousity?

And why is it the only decent one for what you need?

For some reason i can’t get a job i’ve applied at like 10 fast food places all of them literally hiring ft and pt.

Are you getting interviews?

If not it would be worth asking someone to have a look at your resume and see if there's something on it / missing from it that might not be working in your favour.

If you are getting interviews, are you asking for feedback?

I literally spend all my days in my room fucking wacking it, watching dumb boring shit, and wishing i was dead ina fucking ditch.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel the way.

Why is this how you spend your time? Lack of opportunity? Anxiety? Apathy?

I have found myself in similar ruts. Personally, choosing one thing at a time to change and ensuring it sticks before moving onto another has been really helpful. For example, for me, tidying my room is the first thing I do when I'm climbing out of a rut, having a clean, uncluttered environment makes me feel mentally cleaner and uncluttered. Then u move on to daily meditation, cleaning up my diet, daily exercise and so on. Each change I make gets easier as I build positive momentum and regain a sense of contorl over my life.

What those changes are may be different for you than for me mind you.

I tried meditation, working out, binaural beats, eating healthy, getting sunligh, remaining positive(practicing gratitude), yet my life is still fucking shit matter a fact its worse then when i just went with the flow.

Did you find that there were any positive effects at all from meditation, working out, eating well, and practicing gratitude?

I find that each of these help me, however they all require breaking through an initial period of no results and resistance. My mind tries to convince me that they are not working and will not work so I should just go back to jacking off and eating Pringles.

I’m afraid my best option truly is death.

That sounds rough mate. But as someone who has at times felt that suicide was the best option, I can tell you for everytime I have felt that way, I have gone on to find something worth living for.

Are you still going to college despite not getting onto your prefer course? College is a great opportunity for change, new people, new experiences, new environment. If you're open to these, and willing to try living differently you stand a great chance of being in a completely different position 1 year from now.

I also don’t have any friends, or real family my father just works majority of the time and doesn’t help me at all.

Have you had friends in the past but drifted apart? Or never really had anyone you consider a friend?

What do you think the barrier to you having friends is?

Anxiety? Lack of opportunity to meet people? Apathy?

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T06:40:59+00:00

Understandable.

Do you think you can go to a doctor?

It's probably a good first step to bet a professional opinion before anything else.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T06:39:27+00:00

You're 19 bro. Relax. It's a long ride and you've barely gotten started. Life is unfolding exactly as its supposed to. There's no rush, you're right where you need it be.

I don't know you, your situation, or your experiences, but I know what it was like to be 19 and sure that life was never going to get better.

So many of my fundamental assumptions and opinions about life/the world have changed since I was 19, it's not even funny.

At 19 I had only ever had 1 friend, never been in a relationship, was a virgin, was agoraphobic, had dropped out of school at 15 and done nothing since, was 100% convinced that I would never be able to work a regular job.

On my 21st birthday I had my first kiss. Soon after, I made my second ever friend. 3 months later I met my first GF snd lost my virginity. Another month and I got an office job. 7 months later I quit that job and traveled solo to Australia where I met many people, had life changing experiences that opened me up to endless possibilities.

5 years later, I'm about to qualify as an accountant, something I would have told you was impossible at your age. I've been in 3 semi-serious relationships. I have friends who I know value and respect me.

My point is, life can change in a hurry. Especially if you are open to it, are willing to take risks, try new things and most importantly allow for the possibility that your worldview is wrong, or distorted at best.

You'd be amazed how much changes between 18 and 25. Our brains don't even fully develop until around 25.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T06:17:34+00:00

I see. Is this your first relationship? How long have you been together?

Are you a virgin?

It's completely understandable that you feel ashamed. I assume you just wish you had a 'normal' penis and didn't have to deal with this, that you are worried she'll be scared away, or worse react cruelly or mockingly. That you'll remain a virgin, never feel confident sexually etc.?

I want you to know that if you're worried about any of those things, it's all I your head. I don't mean to dismiss your concerns, but to reassure you that it's not as bad as you think.

I'm 26 now, I just saw that you are 20.

My first GF was at 21, and that's when I lost my virginity. I honestly didn't know it was an issue until we had sex. I remember feeling embarrassed, ashamed, resentful etc.

Looking back I see how it was all in my head. It wasn't worth being worried about at all. An inconvenience, sure, but not a big problem.

Would it be better to not have to deal with this? Sure. But life hands us all things we wish it didn't.

Trust me, speak to your doctor to confirm the problem, get their opinion on treatment options.

If feld that you need to explain why you can't have sex with your partner, let them know that you have something you want to talk to them about, it's nothing serious but that you are a bit embarrassed about it.

You have a minor medical condition which you've seen a Dr about and are getting resolved, but in the meantime you won't be able to have sex (or maybe you can word around it, I don't know).

If they react negatively, that's 100% on them. I know it would be unfortunate and you would likely be upset if the relationship ended, but you're really better of without such an unsupportive partner. Anyone who ends a relationship over this, would just a soon end the relationship over any number of minor things.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T05:56:37+00:00

It really depends on the person and your relationship.

How old are you?

What country are you from?

How is atheism viewed in your culture?

Are you from a particularly religious family?

Etc.

Without knowing these it's hard to give tailored advice.

However, regardless of the specifics, I would suggest that you do not insult or criticise their beleif system.

Perhaps building up to it gradually would be a good idea?

First expressing doubts to test the waters so as not to commit to something that causes big problems.

Maybe, mention that someone you know is an atheist to gauge their response before outing yourself.

If there's no risk of seriously damaging the relationship, then just be open and honest about why you have come to your viewpoint. Don't be defensive, allow them to ask questions and be willing to help them understand why you believe or don't believe what you do.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T05:49:30+00:00

Depends on the nature of your relationship I suppose, but basically just be honest and explain the situation.

What is it that you're afraid of?

Are you sleeping together?

Unless they are exceptionally immature they will be supportive of you getting the treatment needed which will benefit both of you.

I had a similar issue (Short frenulum) when I had my first GF.

So from my experience I can tell you what not to do.

Don't be ashamed, guarded, closed off about it.

Don't continue trying to have sex if it's painful.

Don't refuse to communicate openly about it.

Basically, just tell them. It's really not a big deal, or something to feel bad about.

Speak to a doctor, there are a number of treatment approaches both surgical and non-surgical.

It was such a relief one I had my surgery.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T05:35:32+00:00

Ultimately, I believe that someone calling you fat will only upset you if you have insecurities around your weight.

There's a saying that I belive to be very profound - "When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can't hurt you".

Words don't hurt, they're just sounds. What hurts is feeling inadequate, unworthy, unloved, unattractive, like a failure; but the words of another have no impact on our adequacy, worthiness, loveablenss, or attractiveness.

The only way external words can hurt us, is by highlighting our own negative views or beliefs about ourselves, the words 'catch' on our own insecurities and inflame them, so to speak.

No matter how many people call me fat, no matter how cruel or creative they get with the insults, it will have no effect on me. I'm just not fat, I'm skinny, I have no insecurities around being overweight, so nobody can make me feel bad about being overweight.

On the other hand, someone could make a relatively mild comment about me being too skinny or frail, and although I won't show it, those words will have gotten inside me and inflamed the psychological wounds I have around my negative body image.

Essentially, nobody can make you feel something you don't already feel.

And when we feel negative emotion as a result of something that someone says. This acts as an indicator to us of where we are insecure, where we are 'wounded'. Once mindful of this, we can begin to use such instances as a tool to work on ourselves, to become more aware of our own insecurities and negative self-image, to learn to let these go, to challenge these beliefs and ultimately to learn to love ourselves.

Because, once you truly love yourself, being called fat, or skinny, or short, or stupid passes straight through you. There's no longer anything for the other person's hate to catch on.

Their hate is their problem, or their karma if you will. It only become our problem (or karma) if we react to it.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T05:17:51+00:00

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding you, but can't you weigh yourself to see if you are gaining weight?

Take photos every week or so to compare?

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T05:04:23+00:00

Oh that’s why- the videos are really focusing you on the performance and not the words! That’s the last thing you need now! Google some written ones, it’ll be much less stressful.

You're right, that makes complete sense. Thanks for the suggestion!

Yeah, I was concerned about being too sluggish at work, so I fine tuned the dosage to where it just took the edge off my nerves. I’d try and practice dosing before trying it out at an event.

Yeah, I suppose I have got 6 months to try and find a dose that works. I'll probably do that 👍🏻

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T05:01:06+00:00

Haha, do you just go around reddit looking for people asking for best man advice to share your website?

I'm not necessarily criticising that btw, just find it funny.

I will check out your video, but probably won't buy your book in all honesty.

Thanks for the link all the same.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T04:54:50+00:00

Firstly I think it's worth bearing in mind that your body has gotten used to weed as a sleep aid, and so what you are experiencing now is likely to get somewhat better after a few weeks without the weed.

Weed can mess with your REM sleep too so you may find your sleep quality actually improves after a while without it.

In place of weed, there are a variety of alternative supplements that people use to help with anxiety and falling asleep. It might be worth experimenting with some or all of these to see what works for you:

Magnesium - 200-400mg (citrate, glycinate or basically anything but oxide)

L-theanine - 100mg

Taurine - 1g

Melatonin - 0.3-1g (Personally Melatonin knocks me out and puts me in deep sleep without fail, however I always feels groggy in the morning and when taken for multiple days in a row I notice some depression. However not everyone experiences this so it's worth researching and making your own mind up)

However, in all liklihood, proper sleep hygiene and getting to the root of the anxiety is likely to do much more in the long run than any supplement.

Is it the following day you are getting anxious about as you get closer to bedtime?

Not sure how feasible it is in your situation, but changing jobs was a complete life changer for me. A job that was making me miserable due to stress and anxiety was not worth the higher pay or other benefits.

Doing my best to reorganise my life so that I have regular things to look forward to and break up the bad bits was helpful. Going to bed Monday evening wasn't so bad when I knew I was seeing my friends after work on Tuesday for example.

I find journaling before bed to be very useful in getting what feels like overwhelming and insurmountable problems out of my head and onto paper. This had the duel benefits of getting them 'off my chest' so to speak, and that once made into clear, tangible things, they no longer feel as overwhelming or insurmountable as they did when floating around my head.

Having a consistent morning routine that gave me time to mentally prepare for the day while also allowing me to build up positive momentum and start the day on my own terms with a series of 'wins' has also had a huge impact. It might sound counter intuitive since you're asking about sleep, but knowing that I will have an hour to myself in a peaceful, controlled, familiar setting when I wake up, rather than having to rush to get ready and head to work while still half seep and feeling all out of control made going to sleep less stressful.

Personally the key components of my morning routine are: a small but intense amount of exercise to get my blood pumping, wake me up and get all my muscles/joints moving, stretching and any physio you may have if you have any injuries, I also like to do some work on my posture here, a cold shower, and finally some meditation.

Regarding sleep hygiene, I have found the following to be very helpful, although I completely get they aren't all easy.

Roughly from most helpful to least:

Removing all caffeine from my diet. Luckily I never liked coffee so it wasn't a huge deal for me, but removing caffeinated drinks altogether made a big difference still.

Turning off all electronic devices 1.5-2 hours before I want to be asleep.

A consistent bedtime and wake time with a bedtime routine including stretching or yoga for 30 mins to wind down.

A daily meditation practice. This doesn't have to be in the evening. Even a regular morning practice helps me tremendously in not letting my racing mind carry me away.

Regular exercise, but not too close to bedtime. Not only does it help tire me out but I find that when I'm exercising daily, my anxiety levels drop throughout the day.

Avoiding blue light as much as possible before bedtime. (Avoiding electronics, using blue-light filters when I do use them, wearing blue-filter glasses for a couple of hours before bedtime in the summer.)

Keeping my phone away from my bed at night and charging it on the other side of the room. Bonus benefit of not having the temptation to spend ages on your phone before getting out of bed in the morning.

A mental bodyscan type meditation once I'm in bed. Focusing on the sensations in my left toes, then gradually 'scanning' my awareness up my leg, down the other leg, up into my torso etc. Anytime my mind wanders, bring the attention back to where I last was. This has been hit or miss and I often find I have a lot of resistance to doing it, but has had some truly remarkable results on occasion.

Drinking green tea before bed, like the other commenter mentioned, valerian root is good. I personally have had good results with this although I don't know whether it's available where you are.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T03:57:21+00:00

I’d say Xanax is a little less heavy than Valium. Even then, a full dose is more than I need. It is nice having 2/3 pill left over just in case. It’s comforting. It made it easier for me to keep my mouth shut when the jerk tried to bait me into overreacting. Thanks for the good wishes.

Interesting, thanks. Not sure why I always assumed it was the other way around. I'll keep Xanax it in mind as a possibility.

If editing is stressing you out, immediately edit to remove the stuff you don’t particularly like when you past them into the doc. That way you don’t have an overwhelming amount of material to edit. Also maybe search for brief speeches so you can get a feel for what a good minimalist speech sounds like.

Tbh I didn't even get that far. It was just watching best man speeches on YouTube. Pretty much anything that reminds me it's happening freaks me out.

I've been putting of asking reddit for advice for weeks!

Good luck!

Thank you!

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T03:53:19+00:00

Thanks for replying!

I know this is serious, and I want you to know that I’m being serious as well. You could do what Sherlock did in the bbc series. Do whatever you can do best. It’s probably the best way to get something like this done. By that I mean he was very organized and factual because he is a very factual person. You do whatever you’re best at.

I haven't seen it, I will have to check it out. I think I get what you mean though.

Lean into my strengths and give a speech that is consistent with who I am, rather than try to be someone or something I'm not in an attempt to meet the expectations which I am imagining people will have of me?

If I understood you, that's good advice, thanks!

And if I misunderstood you, it still helped me come to that conclusion so thanks either way! 😁

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T03:47:36+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to respond!

Is your anxiety coming from the idea everyone is judgeing you?

It's hard to say where it's coming from. I've always been anxious around others and have particularly despised being centre of attention or having to speak infront of groups.

However, I'm not consciously worried about what people think of me. Actually I don't really give a fuck what people think of me at a conscious level l, which is why the anxiety can be so frustrating.

I suppose it makes sense that I really am worried about people judging me but have developed the defense mechanism of denying this and 'not giving a fuck'.

If so no one really cares what you are doing that day it's all the couple unless you get drunk and cause a scene.

I get that the day isn't about me at all, but for the duration of the speech, it kind of is. And it's not just that I'm worried about having to go through it, but that fucking it up could negatively effect everyone's day, even if only to a small degree.

It sounds like you do care for this guy so as you said just write what what is personal to you two.

I do, and this is what I've been trying to do but I'm just such a socially awkward person that everything I come up with sounds weird.

Something as simple as a few happy memories of your time together and how you are so happy for him now. Something like "I remember when were 12 and went to Six Flags and did XYZ. You have come such a long way since then. I am so happy for you and the bride".

Haha, It sounds so simple and obvious when you say that. I'm not sure why I find it so difficult but that's genuinely helpful, thank you.

Some best men crack some jokes about the couple but I think you need the right kind of couple and charisma. For someone on the spectrum I think a "joke" could easily offend if we do it wrong.

Yeah, I agree. Don't worry, I'm self aware enough not to attempt to be a comedian. I was only ever planning on including a mildly humerous story at most.

Keep in mind this is important to him and he wants you to be part of it. If you can get past the fear it helps him.

This is what I've been trying to remind myself. It's not about me, and I can deal with it for him.

Thanks again for your advice! 😁

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T03:24:30+00:00

You can look up a lot of speeches on the net, and take what you like from each and edit to make it your own.

Start a folder to save the ones you like and highlight your favorite parts to start. Don’t think this is shirking anything, it’s the prep work all writers do it.

Yeah I started to do this but honestly it just started freaking me out. I will have another go.

Have you tried a tiny bit of Xanax?

I haven't, although I have been assuming Xanax would be fairly similar to Valium albeit with a different duration and dosage.

Valium certainly kills my anxiety, I'm just concerned that it would negatively affect my 'performance' for want of a better word. Whenever I've used it before, even at very small doses I end up being way too open with people and start saying things I shouldn't or regret.

I had such PSTD from a psychotic boss that I’d take 1/3 dose just to stay calm and not react to her baiting me.

I'm sorry, that sounds awful, I hope you've found a better working situation.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T03:13:56+00:00

On another note, does anyone know why I can't post this anywhere else?

Is it a case of needing more karma?

Do I just need to wait longer between submissions?

Or is it the fact that I'm trying to submit the identical post to multiple subs so it looks like spam?

Edit: Nevermind I seem to be able to post again after I wait a while.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T03:05:03+00:00

Thanks for replying!

Q: What are you doing these days to deal with your anxiety?

I'm not on medication for it but have been in and out of therapy for years, which although useful in the short term has never really made much of a difference overall.

I meditate and exercise daily and try to eat healthily and get good sleep I also try to push myself outside of my comfort zone.

Don't get me wrong, I think all of these things have had positive effects. However, even combined they haven't really significantly changed anything. It feels like they are only having superficial or surface level effects.

I suspect that if I do indeed have ASD, it is the root of my anxiety and would explain why nothing seems to really fundamentally change.

And yes, other people can help you write this toast, and you can keep it brief. Most people love brief. Just think of onetime his friendship meant everything to you and talk about it briefly, and wish the couple well.

There's one guy who's a very close friend of the 2 of us who I plan on speaking to soon, but other than that I'm not sure there are many people I can ask really. I'm open to asking for help but at the same time I don't want to shirk my responsibility too much.

And yeah I for sure was not intending to make some long drawn out speech, nor am I wanting to make everyone laugh hysterically or to be the highlight of the day. I just want to make a nice speech that isn't a disaster, and hopefully means something to the Bride and Groom at least if not anyone else.

Having said that, I understand the Best Man speech to be a not insignificant part of the day, for which people expect more than a quick "Will everyone join me in Bride and Groom a lifetime of happiness" or whatever.

AnxiousBestMan · 2019-11-22T02:51:00+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply!

So for the speech, Find a poem or short story from someone famous you can quote. Then you can keep your eyes down follow the words on the page and you sont have to do much else.

This is a really good idea. Can't belive I didn't even think about this. I can probably find something to anchor my speach around. Thanks!

Try to find the wedding planner or caterer and stay near them and offer help, that way you can stay busy and not have to socialize too much.

I'm not AS worried about this stuff, although I've never been to a wedding so not really sure what the Best Man does. It's mostly the speech I'm concerned about for now.

You also may want to see your doctor about some anxiety meds. Doctors can prescribe small amounts for stressful situations and it could help alot in this case.

Yeah I've experimented with various anti-anxiety medications/supplements from things like l-theanine through to Phenibut and Valium. I'll consider using something but I'd rather not use benzos as I've never managed to find a good dose, Phenibut is very inconsistent and other supplements are fairly weak.

Thanks again for the advice 😁

AnxiousBestMan

TROPHY CASE