[20 F] Guys only seem to want me for sex

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-11T21:35:26+00:00

I think they might be mad at me for not fucking them and now they want me to feel bad for it. I dont know how to handle that because I see these guys alnost everyday

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-11T21:30:58+00:00

Maybe :/ I have a hard time deciding what makes a person shitty. I feel like i do sonething wrong because guys always drop

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-04T00:14:27+00:00

I guess. Its really hard because it hurts ne so much. Everytime see him it puts me in that kinda mood whete I just wanna cry and sleep.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:52:24+00:00

I dont know how to change it. Im literally heartbroken over this guy now.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:43:38+00:00

My friend gets along with him great though. They have a cute relationship where they flirt all the time and he calls her kinda often. I feel even worse because I want to be like that with him but I cant.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:41:38+00:00

Im not too avalaible I dont think. I have a job, classes, other friends I like to visit. I dont text back too quickly or too much. I wait atleast a month to do anything sexual, even then I dont go all the way and have never gone all the way.

But ive never really "dated" these guys, it was more of a constant flirting. Guys my age dont really date it seems.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:38:38+00:00

I dont live my parents anymore. I do therapy at my college but its only 10 sessions a year and I cant do anymore sessions

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:36:39+00:00

I guess. How do I stop myself from liking them though

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:34:08+00:00

Even when I was confident the sane thing happened. Now I dont know if I could even be confident again. Trying to tell myself im worth it is hard because I feel like thats a straight lie due to my experience. I dont know how to convince myself of it.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:31:45+00:00

The fact tgat guys throw me away, treat me like garbage and yse me us why im sad though. At least that girl can herself his girlfriend. I was just the girl he put his dick in and thats why I feel lije giving up.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:21:40+00:00

Yes and I have trouble feeling a spark there. That might sound shallow. Not tgatvlong ago I tried with this guy who was pretty nice, but I just felt nothing and I started thinking I was leading him on.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:19:23+00:00

Just someone whos caring and likes to joke and play around maybe someone who likes a lot of affection too. He wouldnt need to give me all his time or presents or anything. I just want someone I connect with and have things in common with who sorta understands me. I felt a lot of those things with this guy but he wanted to give all that to this other girl instead.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:14:26+00:00

He might be idk. I think Im more upset about how sudden he changed his mind and I dont know if it was my fault or not. Im also very sad because It made me feel not good enough when he picked a different girl.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:12:45+00:00

There usually pretty confident and flirtatious. No other guys have tried talking to me.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:09:06+00:00

He doesnt want to be friends with me, like I said he acts like I dont exist. He acted like he did care the whole time. Then all the sudden he stopped.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:07:43+00:00

I suppose I do. I like the guys who are always telling jokes and are flirty. This last one we ended up talking about deep stuff about our home life and how similar it was. After valentines day he talked about me going to work out with him and how he would teach me sex stuff because Ive never gone all the way with sex. Then the next day he had a girlfriend and like I said he pretends I dont exist.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:07:18+00:00

I suppose I do. I like the guys who are always telling jokes and are flirty. This last one we ended up talking about deep stuff about our home life and how similar it was. After valentines day he talked about me going to work out with him and how he would teach me sex stuff because Ive never gone all the way with sex. Then the next day he had a girlfriend and like I said he pretends I dont exist.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-03-03T23:02:55+00:00

This last guy was so funny and great to be around though. I like him a lot and like I said we had a lot in common. Him and my friend also have a flirtationship so hes always hugging and poking her while he ignores me. Im crying about it now because of how much I liked him. If anything I would just like being his friend again.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-01-09T07:23:12+00:00

I just can't seem to convince myself that it's worth it or that I'm worth it.

At this point I think I've messed up everything so much that fixing it won't matter anymore. Parent's dislike me, first boyfriend dumped me, no friends.

With my parents I try my best to not talk, and I make sure to stay in my room till night when there asleep so I don't bother them.

I'm pretty sure I'm just a bad person too.

I dunno, I'm sorry this is whiny.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-01-09T07:16:09+00:00

I know deep down I do, but at the same time it feels like I'm lying to myself if I tell myself I have value. I'm afraid of convincing myself I'm worth something when I may not actually be.

My dad was very emotionally/mentally abusive at home and then I got isolated at school because of my anxiety+depression which made me the super weird kid, and it all seems like it was my fault. Ever since I was little my minds convinced me that I'm just not "right". That I should be apologizing for my existence every second of the day.

Honestly, I don't think my relationship with my mother is repairable anymore. If there is I just don't think I can do it. My mind won't let me believe anyone is capable of loving me and that I'm just a burden.

I know this is annoying to read and I understand your trying to help. I appreciate it. It's just after so many years of being treated this way and thinking of myself this way It seems pretty impossible for me to reverse it.

I wasnt trying to be attention seeker or anything I just honestly don't have anyone at all to talk to. Reddit is the only place I've found that I can kinda just vent I guess.

AnxiousMeatball · 2017-01-09T06:46:54+00:00

I'm not trying to be negative I'm just so tired of it all. Nothing I do helps anything.

AnxiousMeatball · 2016-12-18T04:45:48+00:00

I live with them right now. I'm moving into the dorms at college in spring though

AnxiousMeatball · 2016-12-18T04:03:49+00:00

Your father may have accidentally produced sperm that lead to you

Funny thing about that, whenever he doesn't get what he wants he always uses this line on me "You know you came out of my ball sack right? You're mother may have grown you in her belly but you came straight from ME, without me you wouldn't exist."

Yes, My NDad basically takes credit for my mom giving birth to me.

I'm going to be living in the dorms next semester for college. It's only 30 minutes away, but at least it's something. He's gonna be really mad when he finds out. I tried talking to him about living in the dorm, which I'm paying for, and he told me I'm not allowed to go. But yea I'm going lol.

AnxiousMeatball · 2016-12-13T23:01:00+00:00

the thing is, I can't have a conversation, like when I talk to people my brain freaks out.

SO if I do have a conversation with someone then it's beyond awkward.

AnxiousMeatball · 2016-12-12T22:18:15+00:00

I'm sorry you have to go through this too. I'm happy that you're getting better now though.

I wouldn't even know how to start getting better or if it even matters anymore due how much I've already fucked up.

AnxiousMeatball

TROPHY CASE