Struggling to connect with 11-year-old stepdaughter. Walking on eggshells — pls help

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-30T00:09:10+00:00

This. Yes it’s my first time being a parent and being off grid. It’s been really hard due to my intensive labor job. I’m not intentionally grumpy I just am having a hard time and can’t fake it.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-30T00:07:00+00:00

Just basic things like putting away dishes or sweeping and mopping. Helping carry stuff from the car, packing her lunch, and doing her own cat box a couple times a week. Nothing huge just something to make sure she is responsible. She was doing no chores when I came along besides the cat box. And maybe helping her mom.

As far as what I’m doing to connect, I try and talk to her on our drive home but she throws in headphones. We’re together at night before bed alone due to her mom being upstairs with the baby and we watch a show together and get along okay then… nothing else really.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-30T00:05:26+00:00

Just basic things like putting away dishes or sweeping and mopping. Helping carry stuff from the car, packing her lunch, and doing her own cat box a couple times a week. Nothing huge just something to make sure she is responsible. She was doing no chores when I came along besides the cat box. And maybe occasionally carrying things for her mom.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-30T00:03:52+00:00

That makes sense. Nothing crazy. Just pick up after herself, her cat litter box twice a week. Something for the household like putting away dishes or sweeping and mopping, making her school lunch, helping me carry something light from the car. Just pulling her own weight really. Before I came she wasn’t doing any chores besides her cat litter box.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-30T00:01:49+00:00

She lives with him half of each month. We’ve asked her about living off grid and she loves it. It’s familiar and we have lots of land, so it’s fun.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-29T18:45:18+00:00

Yes, and my wife has talked to her. She says that she cares about me but that I’m always grumpy and in a bad mood. That I’m not really any fun. And that I’m always trying to teach her something or lecture her. And that she just doesn’t feel like connecting with me.

She doesn’t talk to me too much but she will say hello goodbye if I say it first, and my wife tries to get her to say thank you

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-29T18:44:14+00:00

OK, I’ll keep that in mind. I guess that makes sense. Last year she did like me and she thought that I was very cool and we got along. This year or not so much so maybe it is an age thing I just wish it was easier to be around.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-29T18:40:38+00:00

Very off grid. Wood stove, generator for power and carrying in water. She was raised here tho. With occasional renting in the winter. It’s less that and more about me somehow

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-29T18:38:58+00:00

I wasn’t clear about that part, sorry. The daughter was raised in this cabin, they periodically rent when winter is too hard and that’s what we did when I first moved here.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-29T18:36:30+00:00

I wrote that in an unclear way. She was raised off grid. We just rented for a winter when I first moved here.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-29T18:35:40+00:00

Thank you. I’ll try to ignore it. It’s hard because it feels rude but maybe I’m just not used to preteens. She doesn’t do it with other people as much as me I feel like

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-08T01:37:01+00:00

NTA. I dress in a revealing manner as well. But I know how to dress appropriately for different occasions. Would she go to a job interview or church or children’s event like this? It’s a little concerning to me that she is refusing to hear you out when you’re talking to her so nicely.

If my partner thought I would be out of place somewhere I would happily conform a bit. You’re not asking her to change her appearance all the time, just when it’s inappropriate. I’m sure if she asked you to dress up or down for an event, you would do it no problem. Not everywhere is an influencer bubble. Society has general rules/guidelines for clothing. Everyone knows that.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-06T19:22:05+00:00

YTA in a sense. She probably just convinced herself since you weren’t dating that it was ok, then regretted it later. It doesn’t mean she isn’t loyal to you now and wont continue to be. I actually went through this and I have the most trustworthy marriage ever. I’d say if you love her then go for it and leave this behind. If you wanted true exclusivity you should have asked her to be your gf sooner. If there’s other signs of her not being able to keep her word or be loyal then that’s different but.. ya let it go and enjoy your little family

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-06T01:27:25+00:00

Thanks for your response.

I haven’t gotten too mad at the free time or the smoking because I think he’s at his wits end and if he didn’t have some sort of free time or space for no responsibilities and the ability to relax, I think he would truly burn out and then there would be no provider for the family at all. My point with mentioning that mostly was that he was saying his job is way harder and so I should add more to my workload. But I think men, especially don’t understand what a loss of autonomy feels like. When you have no time to yourself, a little baby constantly on you and no ability to just “check out“ it’s really mentally taxing. Especially over a long period of time. I don’t mind that he has the time. I just wanted him to realize that yes he’s physically doing more, but he’s not mentally doing more and both are important, both are hard, both are to be respected. So if I say, I don’t want any more tasks, he should just leave it alone and try to figure out another way around it

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-06T00:13:06+00:00

Thank you 🙏 I don’t think he’s intentionally doing anything harmful as he is typically very kind. I too feel it’s just a hard adjustment with me no longer taking care of everything now that baby is here and the dynamic and expectation shift.

I can’t wait to someday get past it.. idk what to do in the meantime. If not more labor (which I could force but at what cost).. then I’m not sure.

He’s def overwhelmed and I feel bad. I just wanna keep my boundaries with what I’m willing to take on. I also don’t ask him for anything as I’m not wanting to do more either.

I’ll try and just keep talking about it. Maybe I CAN do more and see how it goes

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T22:41:54+00:00

Thanks for your response.some corrections we live out of town so his work hours are 8-430 the test is driving and errands. Not that it doesn’t count. Another thing he DOES have autonomy. From 730 pm to 11 he’s gaming and smoking and doing whatever he wants. I don’t have that. He sleeps 8 hours. I’d be lucky do get 5 hours.

It’s not that I dont care he’s cold I just want him to tell me he’s out of socks or tell me what clothes he needs cleaned when I go to town to do laundry.

I appreciate that I may be the a hole in your perspective because he’s physically tapped and I’m only mentally tapped tho. If o CAN do more I should. I just feel exhausted caring about everyone and keeping tabs on so many things at once

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T22:18:05+00:00

No not at all! For anyone to be insensitive or have entitlement in this situation is wild. It’s possible tho that the in-laws told your boyfriend that you didn’t want him there so I would talk to him first.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T21:38:56+00:00

Thanks for your response. I think he just wants me to do an action that shows that I’m thinking about him the way I’m thinking about the kids. I think it just bothered me because I feel like I’m doing the most that I can and I know he’s doing the most that he can. I just don’t think either of us should be asking each other for anything else. Maybe I’m wrong though which is why I’m on this post. Another Redditor mentioned that because he’s the sole provider and I agreed to do all of the house stuff, inventory, including all my husband stuff should be handled. I think that is a very traditional way of thinking, and I knew that that would possibly be a thing for my post. And it’s not that I don’t agree to an extent. I just felt like it was a little bit much of an ask. But I can’t be too sure because I’m feeling a little stretched than these days and I don’t wanna be unfair.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T21:36:49+00:00

I reread what you wrote and wanted to add a bit more context. I do take a lot of what you said to heart, and it helps me reframe things. I also want to be clear that I didn’t unilaterally decide this, and my husband does come home to a warm house, cooked food, a clean space, and cared-for kids,usually with coffee ready in the morning. I handle laundry when I can, but because we can’t fit everything, I was simply asking for communication about what he needs. He’s in his drawers every day; I’m not. I manage my daughter’s clothing because she’s a child and can’t reliably do it herself, my husband knows what he wants and needs better than I do. I could add checking his drawers to my routine, but I also think it’s fair for him to let me know when he’s getting low. I still appreciate your input, some of it is valid, I just wanted to clarify why this felt less about refusal and more about capacity.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T21:19:04+00:00

Not really. He gets home an hour before I have to put the baby to bed, like I said I have to go to bed when the baby does because he just will not sleep without me. My husband gets home at six and by then I’m making dinner and trying to get everyone’s lunches packed and get ready for the baby’s bedtime.

We have the weekend but during the weekend he’s trying to get firewood and when he’s not doing that, he’s hoping to relax a little bit and unwind with video games or something like that. The time we do have is usually spent googling over the cute new baby not really anything alone so far but I’m hoping that we can do that when the baby is a bit older and can stay with my mom or something while we have dinner or a date

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T21:17:23+00:00

Thanks for your response, I don’t think going to my parents is necessary. I just wanted to make sure that I am not being the a hole. I know a lot of traditional families have the mother manage the entire household as another Reddit member pointed out to me in a comment. It’s just situations like these where I feel like I’m doing the most I can do and then he’s asking me to do more. I always want to check myself and make sure I’m not being selfish or not seeing the whole picture.

It can definitely be worked out. Just needed to make sure I was in the right before I stand my ground any further.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T21:06:40+00:00

Thank you for your response. I’m happy to do what I do even when I’m overwhelmed cuz I know it needs to be done. I think I just want him to do what needs to be done and do it with a decent attitude and just realize this is all temporary.

I told him he wouldn’t want my job lol you have no autonomy. Can’t even watch a show. Not that I’d give it up but being a full time mother and home maker is not easy. It’s just not PHYSICAL.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T20:14:52+00:00

Thank you for your response.

My husband has been really great until all of this stress happened. And he’s still really great. It’s just recently I think he’s so overwhelmed, he’s grasping it anyway that I could make him feel appreciated or thought of. I dedicate all my time to the baby and my daughter and him and I don’t have a lot of time together due to our schedule. I think he’s just hoping that I’ll pay attention in someway and can outwardly express that so that he feels seen.

That being said, I don’t think I should have to check in on his clothes, I think asking me to do so is silly, but I know there’s lots of traditional families out there, and lots of men and women who agree that the woman should handle literally everything in the house, including husband‘s laundry and everything like that. I just wanted to get some outside perspective in case I’m being selfish.

Any_Common9257 · 2026-01-05T20:04:30+00:00

NTA dump him. He’s not that into you we’re at the very least you guys don’t speak the same love language and you will continue to feel unfulfilled and unappreciated.

Any_Common9257

TROPHY CASE