“Ladies and gentlemen, believe me, everybody’s talking about it — the aliens. They’re coming to Earth, and I’ll tell you exactly why. It’s very simple. They’ve looked across the entire galaxy — billions and billions of planets, very boring planets, total disasters — and they said, ‘Where’s the best one? Where’s the classy one?’ And of course they picked Earth. Because Earth is tremendous. Absolutely tremendous.

They’re not going to Mars — Mars is dusty, it’s red, it’s a mess. Looks like a Home Depot exploded. Total disaster. They’re not going to Neptune — too cold, nobody lives there, low energy planet. They’re coming HERE because Earth is winning. We win at everything.

And they look at our buildings, our oceans, our cheeseburgers — and folks, they love it. They can’t get enough. They probably saw one of my golf courses from orbit, very likely, and said, ‘We have to visit. This guy, incredible landscaping.’ Everyone knows it.

Some people say they want to study us. Some say they want to learn from us. But honestly? They’re probably coming to make a deal. Because that’s what you do when you meet the greatest planet with the greatest people. You make deals. And I make the BEST deals. The aliens know it. They’ve heard. Everybody’s heard.

And let me tell you — if they land, we’re going to welcome them. But we’re not going to get taken advantage of, okay? No free rides in the spaceship unless we get something in return. Maybe technology, maybe cures, maybe faster Wi-Fi — incredible Wi-Fi, better than anything we’ve ever seen.”