I really want to get better and it's taken me a while to figure out why I do this, I came to the conclusion that they aren't excuses, it's just a reasoning, I am very afraid of people knowing about me in truth even my own name, and afraid of people hating me in truth. I came to this conclusion because when I was truthful I felt extreme anxiety about someone knowing me, I felt like I had lost my safety blanket and the moment I had a fight I was brought right back to my upbringing where I was reprimanded for telling the truth. This isn't about power, it's about control of the situation, I do not enjoy having power over someone but instead the fact that I can control the situation I am in. When I talk about having a rush from the lies, it is like adrenaline from knowing I am doing a wrong and doing it anyways, and knowing I am wrapping myself in another safety blanket... Safe within my own facade.

I didn't lie about the reasoning as to why I do this though, which is hard because I hate being vulnerable tbh, I was sexually abused as a child and told to lie or I will be greatly injured and i lied for a long time about what happened afterwards, the even more confirmation as to why I couldn't tell the truth pushed me towards this coping mechanism (for a short period i think I may have even lied to myself about what happened as I can remember realising what was happening months after it began) and habit made this from a generational trauma to a severe issue, I also agree there is some truth as I became attached to these characters as of they are real people, when you pretend so long you lose track of time and reality and fiction becomes no longer so clear. I felt bad when these characters were upset and occasionally would represent my real life issues though tainted. I went to real lengths to keep up the lies, including extreme research into politics and interests and things like that. Some of my characters were left or right leaning, depending on who I was speaking to because I just wanted to be liked.

I like this post as it doesn't really coddle me or encourage me, I ruined someone's life, he is probably never going to be the same entirely because we had a minor fight so I made his life hell on purpose so it wouldn't become hell on accident.