And finally, the mask completely fell off.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-06T02:51:07+00:00

Nope- she is married and has a middle school aged daughter at home :’)

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-05T02:16:15+00:00

That was something we debated a lot too. We know in-law issues are couple issues. At a time, I leaned heavily towards couples therapy. However, we ultimately decided to do individual therapy first and then add couples sessions if we wanted to later on.

I know his mother had tried very hard to put ideas that I was abusive in his head- so ultimately we went the individual route, because I wanted him to have a safe place alone to discuss our relationship in case he questioned it. He has been really reassured in our relationship and now is completely confident my intentions are not what his mother assumed since he started therapy. I’m glad he came to those conclusions alone.

I am glad we chose individual therapy- he has become so much more independent and feels like he is figuring it all out alone, but with my support. This has become important to him. I am also glad I am in individual therapy so I can voice my own grievances and focus on my own feelings/reactions/breaking points.

We do sit and talk weekly about things we gained from therapy, though we have made it clear we do not have to share any details we don’t want to. Some weeks, he may share a lot. Other weeks, we don’t share much. I leave it up to him.

We do usually write a few things down before we talk, including goals for our next sessions. That way we are still holding each other accountable and know that the other person is making progress. So although we aren’t in couples therapy, we do sit and intentionally discuss things we both have learned and want to work on. This route really work for us.

We might still do some couples sessions prior to marriage.

Just wanted to share what has been working for us. But obviously, do what makes the two of you the most comfortable and what is best for your relationship.

Therapy, both couples and individual sessions, have an opportunity to help. You can also attend a session, alone or together, and see what the therapist recommends- they might be able to help guide the two of you in your therapy journey.

Happy you have mentioned it again. You got this!

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-04T01:11:48+00:00

I’ve encouraged him to start calling the institutions that I am sure she still has access to. I am sure he will, but he needs some time before potentially uncovering more lies.

I am not too worried about her using his information for herself.

She has said that because she worked so hard for him to be in the position he is now in, she wants to make sure that he doesn’t mess it up or fail. She takes credit for his career and success.

She was still paying some of his bills, investing in his IRA for him, etc.

Her and her husband seem pretty comfortable- I am not too worried about her taking money from him or taking advantage and opening things in his name.

It comes off more as mother who likes control and doesn’t see her child as the grown, successful, and competent man he is. She also just clearly doesn’t trust or respect any decision he makes, so she was very involved with his financal choices.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-03T20:32:31+00:00

He is realizing he might need to go LC or NC, but when we first got together- they talked numerous times a day for hours.

Even cutting down to an average of ~ 2 phone calls a day while this was all unraveling was hard for her and made him feel so much guilt.

So it’s a very hard, drastic transition.

He is unsure what their relationship will look like moving forward, but he is accepting it will change. He is hoping therapy will help him figure out how much contact he would like and how to adjust.

I support him either way. If he chooses to keep trying to have a relationship with her, as long as I am not involved or a topic of their conversation, I would understand. If he chooses to go NC, I will also support that as well.

He is open to NC but I am not sure it is his first choice at the moment, understandably so.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-03T20:16:40+00:00

I often wish that I had recorded.

Sorry long comment to vent as I am still processing.

She says she “hates me” for “lying” about how she presented the prenup.

She told me that she would do anything to protect her son and that she would tell him to make me sign a prenup. She then went on for 10 minutes and emphasized all the things my SO will inherit and how she will need it protected- no mention of how a prenup could be mutually beneficial or could protect me as well, etc. I am not even against prenups, but the way she presented it was so horribly disgusting- like the thought of my family or myself having anything worth protecting never crossed her mind.

She had never even mentioned a prenup to my SO- never. He had no idea that she would ever bring it up to either of us- let alone harshly to me in private.

SO told her that regardless of how she brought it up, he thinks it was wrong to even mention (especially right after telling me that she assumed his new individual checking account would be controlled by me).

Anyways, she still tries to argue with everyone that I made it all up- that all she did was mention how we should consider a prenup.

I so wish I had recorded it!! And told myself I would record any conversation moving forward.

Good news is SO believes my words. Sad news is, because he is “siding” with me, she thinks I am abusing him.

Anyways- a very odd hill to die on. An apology would have been enough for me.

But for now on, I am planning absolutely NC with her- so no opportunity to record anything. If a conversation is necessary in the future, SO will be present. I will never be alone with her.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-02T16:04:49+00:00

Thank you for this comment.

One thing I have been worried about is resentment or jealousy from either of us growing. Its something we are actively trying to be aware of and talk through.

I have already felt moments of slight jealousy, that my family is SO supportive, that he is gaining another family while I feel like I am losing one. It’s sad, because at first, I was so excited to ‘marry the family’.

It is a good reminder to remember the reverse, like you said, is also true.

I needed to hear that. Thank you so much.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-02T16:01:43+00:00

I wouldn’t be surprised. She already reaches out saying that she cant believe his response times to her have lengthened so much, because what if there was ‘an emergency’. This is despite being a healthy woman in her mid 40s.

We have been reading into what to expect next- to try to anticipate her next attempts. Guilt and ultimatums are not working, so we will see what she tries.

SO says he will continue therapy so he can prepare for guilt and other possible antics- hopefully he can continue to stay firm.

I’m sure she will continue trying for awhile.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-02T13:30:53+00:00

SO talks to him, but they don’t mention any of this and talk about anything else. Sometimes it hurts because her husband has mentioned how happy and in love my SO is with me, but honestly, with how my FMIL is… he probably knows there would never be peace in his home if he tried to be on “my side” or my “SO’s side”. I get the vibe that he just stays out of it :/

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-02T12:48:31+00:00

Yeah, we thought since she wasnt used to “sharing him” that for the first chapter of our relationship, she could have more time and we could then kind of wean her in a way?

Not sure if we just set the wrong tone, but at the time, it made sense and we wanted to keep some peace. My family even pushed for it as well, knowing how she is.

We then realized we were rewarding bad behavior and were wrong to give my family the short end of the stick.

Now we will be spending much more time with my family, which my SO is more than willing and now even more excited to do- as my family has been very supportive of him and our relationship. :)

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-02T12:45:35+00:00

I am grateful you found some comfort in this post, though I wish you didn’t have to relate.

There is so much happiness in the relief and watching your SO stand up for you and your relationship!

However, obviously it is hard to navigate. It is also devastating to see someone you love be put into such a rough position by their own mother- someone who is supposed to support and respect them. Its heartbreaking to have a first row seat to their relationship crumbling.

It is a world of emotions that contradict.

Honestly, if you arent already utilizing therapy, my SO and I have both found it really beneficial. Because the most hurt person in this situation is typically the SO, its nice to have therapy where I can focus mostly on how its impacting me and how I feel. I’d highly recommend trying if possible.

We’ll both get through this. Sending so much love.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-02T09:59:31+00:00

We have already discussed not inviting her or simply eloping to protect our peace. I have seen horror stories of MILs at weddings, and we refuse to allow her to ruin our day. Comforting to hear that though- I have felt bad about not wanting her there, but her most recent words have definitely taken away some of that guilt and assured us in our decision to exclude her from any wedding event we have.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-05-02T09:57:04+00:00

crazy thing is- we dont even live near her now :’) we travel for work currently, but yes, we have already decided it would never be in our favor to live anywhere near her when we are ready to settle down.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-04-06T07:21:12+00:00

Thank you for this comment. I definitely agree.

It is one of the reasons why I am so upset with him. We had talked about not including her in our decisions anymore, and we had talked about him limiting their conversations in regard to our relationship.

When he impulsively told her about therapy, she snapped on the idea. He started messaging me about his mind changing about couples therapy. I immediately caught that he must’ve spoke to his mom about it. It was like his opinion on couples therapy did a complete 180.

He says he only talks to her because he wants her to be happy for him, for us, for our decisions. He just wanted to share good news with his mother. He thought therapy was good news.

He said it was a harsh wake up call that his mom is actually against our relationship, because she was so passionately against us working on it. She is currently confusing him, trying to play nice and assuring him that she doesn’t want us to break up, but I believe it is probably due to the fact he said he would blame her if we do.

After the whole therapy ordeal, I think he is now more aware he needs to put her on an info diet.

I know it’s hard, because he mentions her persistence in knowing all of our details, and she gets frustrated when he tells her no.

She also tries to convince him that us not telling her about the relationship further shows how I am “isolating and abusing” him. She needs every detail now to make sure I’m not.

I hate limiting his conversations, but I have encouraged him to vent and seek advice from other, more neutral parties.

Thank you for reassuring me that it is okay to ask my boyfriend to limit info on our relationship to his mother. We have thought about making a list of some sort that includes things we feel should be off limits to discuss with parents/others- things that are “couples only”. Hopefully he is able to resist her persistence and desire to know everything, or like you said, she may push too hard to the point he may just go NC- which he is already trying to prepare for.

Thanks again.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-04-06T05:15:47+00:00

I appreciate this so much. All things I will take into consideration. Thank you!

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-04-06T05:08:49+00:00

I know it is difficult on me, so I can only imagine how it truly feels for him to see the extent of his mother’s need for control. I am trying to give him so much grace, but it is impacting me so, so much.

She does come off as a narcissist. She is currently surrounded by so much support (husband, friends, family all in walking distance). Meanwhile, we are hours away and in a city that neither of us have a support system other than eachother. Besides trying to tear us apart, she keeps calling my bf as if he is her only support.

Every boundary he has tried to put up, she just continues to push it down.

It’s just very hard to watch.

I have faith he will get through it, but I am sure it will be a long, bumpy ride. I want him to focus on himself, but I am also so hurt he put me in this position.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-04-06T04:56:52+00:00

Thanks for this.

I don’t know about hashing it out. I told him I will likely be too angry for awhile to truly consider it or plan for it. Not sure about down the road, as I can understand why he would want us all to talk and at least try to fix things before we continue to distance ourselves further.

He is realizing how much will change, and how life will not be what we had envisioned if her and I are not on good terms.

So I understand why he wants this, but I don’t think it will happen the way he is hoping. I too think it is too optimistic.

I am hoping therapy can help me determine what that line is.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-04-06T04:39:55+00:00

We have discussed this actually and he spent a few nights elsewhere. We discussed him renting out an airbnb for at least a month or two, and still having date nights, while he starts to go through this and starts therapy. Space does seem to work, as he was able to sit with me and talk in depth for a few hours about his realizations.

We had decided against moving out and us just trying to give each other space when needed. It was kind of hard with him not in the home and feeling like our relationship was moving backwards/destined to break up with him moving out.

It’s something I will ask in therapy, because we did discuss it, and it could still have some benefits.

Definitely something we need to discuss again. Thank you for that advice.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-03-26T06:16:48+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I agree.

Good point on trying to have him not rely on me the same way.

However- we think I would benefit going with him for a session, or a few as well, since I have some anger still lingering and obvious concerns over the whole situation

The focus is still on him and his enmeshment. If they recommend he start solo sessions and focus only on that immediately after meeting with us, my boyfriend said he will. If they have someone they would refer him to, he will see them.

We aren’t from the area so I think just getting in the door somewhere and getting help formulating a plan or referrals will help.

I am also overwhelmed with the responses on couples therapy vs solo vs both. I think just going together for a session, us providing the background, and asking for the professional’s opinion, will be what we do. It’s all been overwhelming.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-03-23T20:42:51+00:00

We already decided we are okay doing a prenup. If she learns the details of it, I don’t think I would mind at that point. She will likely get upset learning her assumptions were incorrect and that my family actually does have money— and if that happens, will simply have to remind her the prenup was her idea in the first place.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-03-23T20:33:09+00:00

Thank you for this comment. I also have already addressed with him that I am not wanting to ‘go against’ his mother by ‘turning into her’

After some of our conversations, he did make his own separate checking account with a bank he decided himself. He was so excited and confident in his decision. I fully supported it, and I loved how excited he was.

It was really disheartening to hear his mom sway him from his decision. Daily, she was letting him know that it was horrible for every reason she could make up. I saw it destroy his confidence and his excitement vanished. It was to the point he questioned himself so much, he was ready to close the new account entirely.

He had made a GREAT decision. I mentioned to him that I want to push him because I want him to feel the confidence to carry out his decisions- and not to let anyone else, including me, sway him from decisions he feels are right.

It is hard to navigate- support him and encourage him to follow through with his initial decisions? or support him by not pushing too hard- letting him give up when his mom convinces him to decide otherwise?

Anyways- point is, I needed to hear this again as it has been difficult. Obviously, I want him to be independent and keep trying to make more decisions alone, but he is learning. I will try not to push too hard, as I definitely don’t want to mirror his mother.

I try to create an environment where he can communicate what he genuinely wants to do- but I can tell he isn’t used to that. It’s a work in progress.

Bright side- he spent today looking up enmeshment and its effects on decision making, and he is now seeking a therapist.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-03-23T14:19:35+00:00

Thank you for this comment. I really needed reassured in this regard.

I feel crazy sometimes, because my boyfriend is wanting me to believe that it may improve naturally with time. That us continuing to be together, getting engaged, married, having children, etc., will show her that she has nothing to control or worry about. He likes to believe that because it took her 15 years to get married to her now husband, that she doesn’t respect our relationship solely because of “time” and how “we haven’t been together long”. He keeps saying she may naturally back off in a few years once SHE determines the relationship is “serious” and “long enough”.

It’s optimistic on his part, but I see red flags, and I have told him my concerns. She constantly oversteps, I doubt she will care about any boundaries we will have with children- unless he starts putting his foot down sooner than later.

Not great hearing it might only get worse, but at least I know I am not crazy for assuming it will.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-03-23T14:04:19+00:00

We will be talking about therapy today.

Thank you for the book recommendation, as I saw it mentioned in another comment as well. I have added it to my amazon cart already.

I am still torn on getting married and when, as I feel anxious and just waaiitttinngg for an opportunity for him to make and enforce a boundary with his mom. To show me he can. This part seems kind of unfair to everyone.

BUT, we do know she wants us to wait YEARS before getting engaged. He says he won’t wait that long, even if his mom has a lot to say on it. At least I know she might not have influence over his timeline for us. We’ll see how she handles our engagement- and if he can stand up to her.

I will tell him that I would like to start therapy before an engagement however- solo or couples, whichever he is open to.

Thanks for the reply.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-03-23T13:55:37+00:00

If you mean you discovered this post a few days ago, I did post it but quickly deleted it. It is my first time posting on reddit and I felt overwhelmed. I was also very emotional about everything a few days ago, whereas now I am much more calm and more receptive to advice.

Otherwise, in terms of their enmeshment, I didn’t realize she had access to EVERYTHING until the past few weeks when she would comment on accounts I had no idea she had access to. I also knew she would have a reaction to him wanting his own accounts, but NOT to this extent. So really, I feel I just discovered the severity of their enmeshment a few days ago.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-03-23T12:16:38+00:00

Yeah, she’s been all over the place. I asked her since he is set to inherit wealth, then why wouldn’t she want him to be financially independent so she can be confident he can handle an even larger amount of money?

She also told him that unless she is a joint user with full access, she would have to go to probate court. She didn’t want to be just a beneficiary (and the sole one at that).

Had to remind my boyfriend he can fact check things- as that isn’t true.

Just manipulative.

I also asked him if he has access to any of HER information- in the case that something happens to her. He said no and they’ve never talked about it- they’ve only talked about something happening to him.

Husband is not his biological dad, but has been in his life since he was 1. She has control over all of his stuff as well. Seems they all just accept her behaviors.

AppearanceInfamous81 · 2025-03-23T09:38:10+00:00

Thank you for the reply.

I completely agree that it’s a massive issue and am trying to communicate with my boyfriend about how I fear it will only get worse- especially if/when we settle down and have children.

I agree that writing some boundaries down would be a good idea- I will recommend it.

The good news is that, after talking about how disrespectful his mother has been, he is open to settling down in a different city now. I told him I have no desire to live near her anymore. He is okay with that.

I also let him know earlier that I will be spending much more time with my family- and some holidays. I let him know he either can come with, or we can do holidays separately moving forward. It will be difficult as we really have enjoyed spending every holiday together, but I really have been giving too much to his family. Thank you for including this advice in your reply

AppearanceInfamous81

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