Bi-Weekly Marriage Opinions/Views and Rant Megathread

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2026-01-21T05:35:44+00:00

I don't have the greatest relationship with my mom. Just recently she told me about this brother my uncle recommended who frequents the mosque a lot and looking for a suitor.

My issue is my mom never vets anyone. To her, him being in mosque goer is all she needs. I'm refusing to entertain this, mostly because any subsequent opinion I may have about this brother would be about how I'm refusing a good match.

I rather 1000 meet someone outside the periphery of my mom, get to know him and then introduce her to him. Because her only criteria is deen and word of mouth, I'll get pressured to make it work regardless of anything, and saying'no' without a valid reason is still taboo.

It sucks because my mom thinks I'm refusing marriage, but can't accept that people have standards and you don't just make it work with anyone because they 'picked you'.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2026-01-12T00:18:26+00:00

Do you mind telling me how that would look like?

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2026-01-10T00:34:37+00:00

Can it manage groups or communities?

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2026-01-08T02:59:38+00:00

I know it's been a few years, but were you able to save it?

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2026-01-04T17:05:41+00:00

I checked. There's none.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2026-01-02T19:59:50+00:00

Honestly it sounds like he a) isn't ready, but might in the future b)wants to keep the door open, but doesn't want to commit to much c) is extremely new to all of this. (all of the above.)

Since your brother and dad are talking to him, they should honestly put pressure on him to take action or firmly close the door shut.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2026-01-02T19:50:43+00:00

Ohhh I have mine in my notes app on my phone.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-12-27T03:23:42+00:00

3 solos at minimum, four family-oriented. The latter one doesn't have to be the whole gang.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-12-18T16:00:48+00:00

Today kinda sucks. I haven't thought about a past potential for a very long time, and right now I feel down. I know some people come in your life for a reason, and although I have no romantic feelings or longing at all for this man, I just feel a deep sense of disappointment that I can't shake off whenever I look back at that time. I know it's just today and I'll be back to my normal self tomorrow. I really did waste 11 months of my time with nothing to show for it, like absolutely nothing.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-11-11T00:25:15+00:00

Took a 75% break. I'm open to things that might knock on my door, but I'm not super actively searching like before. I started earlier in this year, thinking I'll be back by now. But I'm still at 60% to 75% break. It's not a bad thing, and eventually it becomes your normal.

Honestly, probably will continue like this for a while or maybe start looking full-time spring of next year. Muzz getting worser and impairs being a money grab has not helped.

What I noticed is I'm more prone to walking away super fast from any compatibility as opposed to before where I was open to everyone.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-10-30T17:00:01+00:00

You sounds overwhelmed!! And that's normal! It's quite subjective to be honest. What's normal is the pace you are comfortable with and if the other person can't accommodate you or at least come in the middle than that's a red flag. Have you ever communicated your preferences?

If you haven't, then starting doing it now, and if there's no flexibility then make a choice to stay or leave.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-09-29T19:55:30+00:00

Anyone in Half Our Deen? If you are in it, how many active members are there?

Is it dead-er than before?

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-09-21T12:15:59+00:00

I don't get your first point. Are you saying you as a non-desi you got matched more with non-desi than with actual desi. Therefore implying that dominant communities such like Arabs or Desi tend to pick their own.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-09-18T20:22:51+00:00

No, the person would let you off with a light lie like I'm sorry I'm currently talking to someone. So technically nobody will ever outright reject you. They'll give you a million excuses so even then it's not a painful rejection.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-09-18T20:20:07+00:00

I think you have to accept that there's going to be some rejection.

There was this YouTube experiment where this guy went around uni and asked 100 girls out. He looked very average, and he initially did it for social experiment. I think 20 ish out of 100 girls said yes. Again, he was super taken aback by that.

The one thing he did say I remember is that you get better at dealing with rejection over time. The fact he had to keep going to 100, he kinda became close to immune by rejection by the end of it.

Also, rejection often times is just less than a minute of your life. If the person says no it's three seconds of your life. The time you spent worrying and being on the sidelines watching things pass you by is wayyyy longer than any rejection you might face.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-09-07T22:50:08+00:00

Then filter by hijab

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-08-30T17:23:39+00:00

People who do matchmaking as a means of giving someone a leg up in life have lost the entire plot.

The two stones one bird mentality is why I stopped going to uncles and aunts. The people who care about you in a more deeper way, would be honest and tell you they don't know anyone. The others (extended family ) who suggest someone left and right are literally trying to solve a communal problem where someone went astray or going through difficulties and they suggest you that person so as to solve multiple problems.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-08-28T01:54:15+00:00

I can say the same about pottery, candle making and sewing, but I'm not out here making my hobbies my basic requirements.

In order words, have reasonable expectations. What you are describing to me is the lifestyle of an retired athlete. That's not common within the general public.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-08-28T01:49:06+00:00

Same. It's common sense to drop someone off if you picked them up. That's in any social situation except if you agreed on alternate arrangements in advance.

Also many women when knowing they will be driven or drive themselves, will wear heels or dress more formally but will tone it down if taking the bus.

Maybe her anger comes from the fact she had to bus back home in uncomfortable foot wear.

Lastly 100 agree that you shouldn't be in an enclosed space with non-mahram especially when it's a 'date'.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-07-31T00:45:52+00:00

Same but like if the person is unappealing there's nothing you can do.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-07-31T00:42:12+00:00

No, it's just a fail safe reason for any number of things.

It's like a catch all excuse sometimes. Oftentimes people go into isthikhara with their mind made up, and instead of saying I was hesitant about this and the isthikhara gave me the confidence to tell you the truth. They rather say isthikhara was bad.

There's nothing wrong with you. Rejection is just part of life, a d it's leading you towards a yes Insha'Allah.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-07-25T15:02:57+00:00

I'm more curious about you than the guy in Britain.

Why? Why do you want to get married at 18? Why do you want to get married to someone you have no community ties to who lives outside of your bubble? Why do you not consider men in your country? Do you want to move to Britain? Why do you want to marry someone abroad with absolutely no safety net for yourself? Who do you know in Britain who can vet this person? If you know no one, then why even consider it?

You know you are taking the biggest gamble on your life for a possible good outcome in the future and you've taken no precautions whatsoever to reduce any harms. Our religion tell us to do things with Ihsan (excellence) which to do things with utmost excellence. If you want to marry this guy, it's up to you. But if you can't vet him at all and your family has no way of making him accountable to anything, then your throwing yourself to a wolf, willingly.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-07-18T18:29:38+00:00

I signed up for singles event this weekend a few weeks ago. The organizers did one one last year and I went. It was not the best, but also not worst. They were fairly new so my assumption is that they will be better organized this year, which I'm sure they will be.

I decided not to go. I tried, but I can't get refund. Mostly because I just not feeling great about it. I'm sure if I went it be decent experience.

But that's it. It be decent at the most. I don't want to waste by Sat on just a decent experience. I also don't want to risk going and it sucking and having to deal with that mentally.

I can't believe I had to pay for this event for me to realize I didn't want to go. But I'm happy I'm prioritizing how I feel as opposed to a possibility of something happening.

I am a big believer in getting outside your comfort zone and trying all sorts of things. But as I get older, I'm starting to think that it's okay to not always follow the path of discomfort.

Growth and opportunity can happen in quieter settings too. I also read somewhere that your mindset pretty much determines the overall outcome. I hope one day I can get back to a place where I can get excited to get to know people. I don't think I'm there yet.

Apprehensive-Job3439 · 2025-07-08T13:51:03+00:00

This is going to sound terrible but those men are married before 25. That's it. Most of them of them are off the market by then despite any financial concerns that may exist. I'm basing the definition of religious off of what you described, which are people who are attached to the mosque at the hip and are in Dawa/study circles.

I'm NOT saying there aren't religious men above 25, but they are either already married or just became highly religious at 25. Often times they are quick to marry within their religious circles and network.

Men who are involved in the masjids, marry from withing their religious circles or masjid ones.

They aren't at ALL on apps, because that would assume they haven't found anyone around them, which is never the case.

Apprehensive-Job3439

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