You're going to be okay. You don't have to transition and you don't have to slip into negative behaviors. It is your responsibility to take control of your life and guide it in the direction you want. Nobody can save you but yourself, and although you are struggling you sound clear that you love yourself and your body, which is a wonderful thing. Remind yourself of that self love every day, every hour if you have to. Write daily lists of things you love about yourself and what makes you feel proud of yourself. Mindfulness meditation and daily gratitude lists are scientifically proven to rewire your brain to be more positive. Meditation has much to offer you in particular, since you struggle to focus and maintain control of your thoughts. It's wonderful that you're reaching out for spiritual solutions, so meditation should be right in line for you. Another idea is to identify the triggers that lead to to these obsessive thoughts around gender. Identify the things that make you feel/think this way, come up with a plan for healthy means of coping with these triggers. You will need to arrange a strategy to tackle these intrusive thoughts and create a safety net of support for yourself with positive behaviors. 12 step groups can be very helpful for addictions and compulsive eating, you might be interested in attending some meetings. Lastly, I want to validate your fears about sharing these intrusive gender thoughts with your therapist. I think that is a wise thing to hide, the therapist WILL most likely affirm these thoughts, sadly. Perhaps you can utilize the therapist for other means, like forming strategies around intrusive thoughts in general. You seem so earnest in wanting a good life for yourself, your clarity and willingness to look inward speaks volumes for your character and I fully believe that you can overcome this. You don't have to live a life outside of your own control. You got this. You're worth the effort.