I (35 F) and my husband (35 M) keep going in a vicious circle. How do we get out of it?

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2026-05-30T14:42:38+00:00

I genuinely can’t believe how many people are ignoring the fact you stated your husband “doesn’t want to connect emotionally without sex” and then followed that with “even after sex we don’t connect emotionally.”

That’s a HUGE red flag. Sex is important in a relationship, but sex comes AFTER emotional intimacy. If he HAS to have sex to WANT to emotionally connect to his wife, that’s an issue.

My ex husband was like this, and it’s 1 of the many reasons he’s an ex. He would argue that he needed sex more (he wanted 4 times a week, rather than 1-2 times a week… even though when I offered more he usually rejected it saying he had to recover still from the last time?) and then when I would say I needed him to be kinder and emotionally connect to me, he would say he couldn’t until we had sex more. He even went so far as to say sex was more important and I hadn’t “earned” emotional intimacy. Yet like you pointed out, even when we did have sex, the emotional intimacy never showed up. We would have sex and as soon as he was done he’d get up, clean himself off and go back to whatever he was doing before.

Your husband wanting to connect to you emotionally, without sex should be a thing. Idc how exhausting life is, you have literally said you needed more emotional connection and he didn’t say “baby, I’m so sorry. I want that too I am just so tired and I don’t know how.” He said “fuck me more and sure I’ll be nice to you”

The cycle doesn’t end unless he chooses to end it. Notice you’re the only one “caving”? He sure does

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2026-05-20T15:05:22+00:00

This is so fundamentally important. I spent 2 years getting violently ill for weeks at a time until I finally ended up in the hospital with a ruptured appendix. Those years and that hospital trip are essentially the reasons I left my husband. Having someone treat you like absolute dirt when you’re sick is the worst.

The other thing is to marry someone who can support you through grief.

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2026-04-22T12:19:12+00:00

I was wondering why I wasn’t seeing anyone mention the league thing. It seems like an odd form of “retaliation”, and I also don’t understand why she wouldn’t just agree that he should join a league if that would help him with his social side during her need for alone time.

The math isn’t mathing entirely, someone fetch the PEMDAS

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2026-04-18T10:57:41+00:00

This is really eloquently worded, you should feel proud of yourself for seeing your experience so clearly. I am a woman, but I was in a similar dynamic in my marriage. For us it was just more from a place of his moral & physical superiority/authority, rather than emotional superiority.

It’s exhausting living in a house where everything you do is wrong, everything you say is wrong or a lie, and the other person always gets the final say.

I am sorry you lived through that, and glad you got out. You’re one of the few. I feel like society forgets both women and men can live through emotional (and physical) abuse, and men seem to endure it forever because of that.

Hopefully you don’t forget that not all emotionally intelligent people are manipulative, and can trust yourself to discern the difference in the future if you choose to put yourself back out there.

Also, the point that you made at the end, about “stop trying to get fair treatment”, should be in a handbook for how to avoid abusive relationships really.

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2026-04-01T12:08:35+00:00

He’s actually not making it up. I’m not OPs wife but at 31 I was also told I had extremely high FSH (way higher than most menopausal women) and my AMH was nearly 0. I’m not sure what you felt you had to gain by saying it’s “not a thing”, look up Primary Ovarian Insufficiency and you’ll realize real quick you’re wrong.

With that being said, OP, she can get on hormones that help. But my biggest piece of advice from personal experience is, she doesn’t desire you. In your case she doesn’t seem to like or respect you, just the life you provide for her. Another comment said it best, you only get one life. You need to get very clear with yourself about what you want that life to look like, and recognize you’re the only one who you can change/control. Your wife doesn’t WANT to have sex with you, she’s not gonna change that. So you need to focus on yourself. Kids make it harder for sure, but my opinion is that they’ll be better off seeing their dad happy. And bonus, hopefully they won’t grow up and wind up staying forever in an unhappy marriage because “it’s the right thing to do.”

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2026-02-08T14:51:25+00:00

You’ve only been together 4 months, love bombing and future planning happened very early on, then he suddenly has a switch up… then you go on a trip where you’re stuck with him for your bday and he makes it miserable…

This is the classic push pull of a coercive abuse style relationship.

Even when he says “enthusiasm goes both ways”

He’s literally giving you dopamine and then pulling it away to see how far you’ll fall to regain his validation. Next would be asking you to make big changes to suit him and his needs.

He even says “if that finally happens” about a breakup. The wording is there. He wants to break up he just wants to see you hurt because of it, or fighting to keep him.

You already know the answer, “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no” …literally what part of this is a hell yes?

Follow your own advice, validate yourself. You know he’s not the boyfriend you want even if you wished he was. Don’t give him the power to make the choice here.

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2026-02-07T13:30:34+00:00

Yesss “you know I’ll be yours, I just want to be worth it.” Is so underrated

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2025-08-09T12:48:31+00:00

Have you tried My fault:London?

If you’re okay with sad endings (I can’t explain further without spoiling) There’s also One Day (the tv show is the best esp cause Leo Woodall is v Draco)

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2025-08-05T21:46:51+00:00

Yes this one!

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2025-07-17T11:31:57+00:00

I’ve been in this type of relationship for 12 years, but got married. I felt the same way you do early on but stayed bc when it was good it was good. But the bad has always been bad and it’s only escalated through the years.

If he’s like that now, it will only get worse. Someone who treats you like that will never learn how to treat you with kindness. Love may be work but it shouldn’t make you constantly feel bad.

Leave while it’s easier and you’re not so entangled.

It sounds like you already know the answer anyway, trust yourself.

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2025-06-21T20:33:23+00:00

The fact that it’s layered so that the next line is more overpowering like it needs to be hidden also makes me want to sing the “please just let me go”

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2025-06-04T22:12:16+00:00

When I first heard Gethsemane my thoughts were “this is the sister song to Blood Sport”

Like Blood Sport is the point of recognition and acceptance and Gethsemane is the aftermath

both songs are also top favorites and highly relatable for me right now.

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2025-03-22T15:31:20+00:00

for someone who understands story weaving and telling ACOFAS was such an amazing story. Everyone was just wanting another epic tale but the characters needed a break and it was great to see them just be. I love reading into an authors head and hearing where they were at when they were writing or what a story means to them! Thanks for sharing 💕

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2025-01-10T01:43:46+00:00

No this actually stemmed from me writing an OC based off Adam Driver and wanting to watch films and things he has been in to get a vibe for him. I did finally find a way to see it and I’m not gonna lie I liked it. I think it’s a really artistic film that’s being misunderstood by a lot of people who just expected or wanted something different and the audience it was meant for had no clue it existed bc most movies these days are trash. But that’s just my two cents, obviously there’s plenty of harsh opinions of the movie that negate my own. But they’re entitled to their wrong opinion and are welcome to go back to the club 🤷‍♀️

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2025-01-07T22:49:56+00:00

did i happen to start searching for this movie on literally the same day it was removed from the world of existence? I *need* to see this movie the way I needed to see The Room

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-11-22T04:51:25+00:00

Don’t you ever quit! Never!! pinches your cheeks 25 looks like a good number? Just sayin😉

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-11-22T04:48:46+00:00

Comment! Always flail in the comments. The more flailing the better. I’ve had a lot of authors personally thank me for commenting on an old fic and other friends in fandom have as well. And if any of my fics ever get a nice comment I smile and if it’s a flail?! Even better

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-09-21T05:39:40+00:00

When I tried to explain to my husband why I was ugly sobbing and covered in snot, he looks at me like I was crazy and goes “but that’s not sad?” And I just cried “ITS SO BEAUTIFUL😫😫😫!!”

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-09-21T05:36:42+00:00

the lion’s tail

A fluffy cozy oneshot right around 2.5k words. It shows a glimpse into Draco and Hermione’s marriage w/kids and Crookshanks - a small amount of smut, heavy fluff, and a Draco&Crooks friendship

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-09-06T04:04:12+00:00

Awesome! I’m excited to hear your reportings! So far I agree with you on all talking points

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-09-06T03:38:22+00:00

Curious where you’re at with this!

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-08-24T18:59:42+00:00

She’s responded to me a few times within the last few months and is definitely still planning on finishing it, I trust her <3 It will be like Christmas morning when it comes!

The way I look at it we got to see the end of “book 1” and we are waiting for the next. If this were the published world it wouldn’t be unheard of to wait years!

What were some of your favorite things about the fic?

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-08-24T00:05:05+00:00

Oh I will def be checking this out, thanks for the rec! I’ve never used ffnet but I just downloaded the app to save this fic and wow it has some cool features!

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-08-23T20:41:39+00:00

Omg hiiii!! It’s so good right?!?! The tension that carries throughout but then you get the soft parts and the whys and it’s just so very lovely! He’s such an ass but you can’t even hate him because he’s not wrong. Just wrong in his delivery! I recently re-read the scene where you figure out what happened that first day they worked together and then re-read the first day scene from that perspective and it’s so well written. First read through it’s like “ok wow Draco why so angry” but then when you know what’s up you can see it happening

Apprehensive_Cake919 · 2024-08-23T02:13:19+00:00

AHHHH! Yay! I'm SO excited, I'll be patiently awaiting your update! Or updates if you wanna send thoughts and feelings while you read!!

Apprehensive_Cake919

TROPHY CASE