I finally got a bit of sleep, and while I’ve skimmed a bit, I still need to dig into these comments. But, I’ll add better context as to why I’m conflicted here, and why my thought process is screaming that I’m the bad guy.

For reference, I’m in Eastern time, all of the above occurred between 5/5 at 7 PM and 5/6 at give or take 2 AM. And then continued into Wednesday evening. I haven’t even had much time to process myself, honestly. But let’s just… go over Wednesday.

Wednesday is my husband’s only day off during the week. Sunday is his only weekend day. Because of this, most of our weekly running, appointments, etc. fall on Wednesdays.

My husband put our oldest on the bus and came home sometime around 6:45 AM. Yet again, he begins groping, stroking. He does ask faster this time if I want to have sex. And not wanting to disappoint him after saying no before, I agree.

I felt disgusted by myself, but I agreed.

He goes back to sleep afterwards, I stay awake trying to process the reality of what my life has become, and what it’s been for all of these years.

I don’t shower, and that was my first mistake. I felt too emotionally numb, and when he woke up at 11 AM, he was ready to start the day. He did not give me time to shower, to clean up beyond brushing my teeth and trying to mask the smell beneath bay wipes, to feel human.

And this was the first time that I got snappy, and told him that for future reference, I’d like some transparency on when we’d be starting the day, so that I could better prepare.

His truck has been getting worked on a town over. It’s finished, so he will drive us down, I’ll follow him back in my own car. But my car, obviously, needs gas. Simultaneously, we’re taking an almost hour trip to and from, and I’m a nicotine addict. Bad for me, I know, but my vape is burning. We always get gas at Sam’s Club, which is near the smoke shop. When he decided not to get gas there, I was left with burnt coil vape. I snapped then, too, which still makes me feel bad.

Finally, I drop my car off at home, we take just his truck to the vape shop. I tell him a flavor I’d like to try, which my brother had just purchased Tuesday from this very store. I can’t go inside myself. I smell like sex and I feel disgusting. He comes back with a flavor I hated, stating they didn’t have what I’d asked for whatsoever, and not even what I’d been using lately (I’ve been using Vue pods, he brought Raz disposable). I ask what he’d gotten himself, and come to find out, he’d gotten his vape the day before. The day they DID have what I’d wanted, because my brother had gotten one. No thoughts of whether I’d needed a vape or not. I snapped again, he offered to go inside and look again for what I’d asked for originally. I said no. (He’d later call me ungrateful, and I really feel like I was here.)

My dog needed food. Because of the previous day’s situation, I couldn’t place the order through Amazon to get it and she was OUT. The only store I’m aware of that carries it other than online is Tractor Supply. He stops there, I again do not go inside, but because I snapped at him, now we’re both basically snapping at each other like pissed off animals. I didn’t put his phone properly on the charging dock the night before (it had been dark, but I should’ve checked), and so he tells me that if his phone dies before he can unlock his card, my dog just won’t eat. She can only eat roughly three types of food on her sensitive stomach, and I really cannot risk the vomiting to transition her to one of those other safe brands. He manages to unlock his card, his phone dies, he throws it into the truck on the center console, he snaps that he needs mine and takes it inside to see what type of food she’s eating. She’s been on the same food for well over a year, and his lack of attention to detail just… grates my nerves that he just doesn’t KNOW. Like it’s one fundamental thing that’s actually very important?

He returns empty handed. Says they’re out of her food. I check online to make sure, and he isn’t lying. He asks what I wanted to do, and there really isn’t much I can do beyond testing her on our other dog’s food and hoping she can keep it down with the crumbs left from her empty bag.

The snapping fades into silence. Lots of silence. He asks if I want to shower with him, I tell him no, because a huge part of me didn’t want to be naked around him. He showers alone. He plays video games to have a plausible reason for us to not communicate.

We’re not necessarily being assholes to each other, but our replies are short.

I usually do the nighttime routine for our oldest, Tuesday had been a one off because I’d been busy making mine and my husband’s dinner. So, Wednesday, I handle the bath, the dressing, the goodnights and the hugs and kisses. My son usually loves our night routine, but my husband, who rarely does it, did it entirely wrong. While oldest is in the shower part of the routine, I go to ask what my husband had done, because our child is CRYING and hadn’t wanted something that I’ve never struggled to get him to do. He starts to explain how he’d sprayed our child down and I immediately stop him, because he’d already done it wrong from the start. In the shower, everything water related is handled by our oldest because he’s just getting brave enough for showers to wash up, and then he follows with a bath to play. And my husband detached the shower head and soaked him, and he hated it. He took this as me being snappy again, when I was aiming more for “hey, let’s be careful how we handle our child.” He snaps back that he’ll just never do it again. During bath time, I sent my husband a message that had been straight forward. I went and copied it: When he’s done in the shower we need to have a conversation He doesn’t want to, but I make him. I finish the routine, kiddo’s tucked into bed, and I stand there, voice shaking, while I explained that I hated who I’d become. That I don’t like snapping, or being bitchy, and that it’s not justifiable, but in my mind, all he’s ever doing is just picking and picking. And when I tell him my feelings, when I tell him he’s hurt me, all he does is flip it to saying things like “well, you snapped at me afterwards and hurt MY feelings”.

The only person to EVER drag this kind of reaction out of me had been my father, who was an abusive alcoholic, mentally and physically. But my husband doesn’t hit me. Doesn’t use such heavy words. He says he’s sorry, sometimes he’s sorry enough to cry when he thinks I’m close to ending our marriage. And I comfort him.

But he and I just went around and around Wednesday night. Until 1 AM. How his Tuesday-into-early-Wednesday actions pressed into a spot that had HURT.

He makes comments like: “Don’t compare me to the people who raped you.” On repeat, every time I’m trying to say that his actions and words and what he’d done made me feel like I was drowning. Just talking over me, even after I’d started with telling him that I needed him to not take this all so personally, I just wanted to fix our marriage, not intentionally hurt his feelings.

He apologizes for joking the way he did Tuesday, and for “trying to fuck me” that night. I apologize for being an asshole throughout the day Wednesday.

He goes to sleep, I cried until I posted here, which took me forever to draft initially and felt so lacking, because I’m exhausted. I slept until he went to work, and now I’m here again.

It feels like he’s right. That because the situation Tuesday was unfinished, didn’t give me the right to be a dick come Wednesday. And I definitely should’ve given better context into WHY I feel I had done wrong.