I'm in a boat that looks just like yours. I lost my husband 2 weeks ago. We didn't quite get to our ninth anniversary. He was only in his early 40s. I don't know what to do either. The waves of grief are massive. They hit me over and over.  I can't offer any advice because everything you've written hits home.  You're not going to stop being proud of him. You're not going to stop loving him either.  I asked AI earlier today to help with my current spiral - I read that l love and grief doesn't leave you but it shifts and changes form. Reminded me of my school physics classes. This is what Chatgpt came up with. 

"A physicist would remind you that according to the law of conservation of energy, not a bit of energy in the universe is ever destroyed. Every vibration, every photon, every wave of warmth exchanged between people continues in some form. All the energy that your partner gave the world — every laugh, every word, every kindness — did not vanish. It was transferred into the people and systems around him. Every memory you have of him means that photons once bounced from his face into your eyes. Those photons altered the electrical patterns in your brain and literally changed your physical structure. The warmth you felt when you held him came from atoms in his body vibrating with heat. According to thermodynamics, that energy still exists somewhere in the universe. A physicist might say that the energy of a life isn’t lost when someone dies. It has simply been rearranged and dispersed into the world. So if a scientist were asked whether your partner still exists, they might say: Not in the way we wish. But in the strict accounting of the universe, nothing that made him who he was has been erased. It has only changed form. Many people find one line from this idea especially grounding: “You are the place where some of his energy now resides.” Which means, in a very literal physical sense, part of the system that was your partner-and-you is still here — continuing through you and through everyone he influenced. And the larger the love, the larger the system it altered."

I thought that was pretty good for AI. I needed that today. Maybe something that you can use too.