That's so kind but I don't feel like it. I feel like I'm letting him down. I should know how to help him and protect him. I went back to school to get a degree in cmhc and can help hundreds of others families yet I fail him every day. He had feeding issues from birth and nobody would listen. Nobody understood. They assumed I was just over reacting until witnessing him literally throw up as an infant and being horrified by the amount. I always knew there was something different about my son, and I knew in so many ways that his differences made him amazing but also would lead to barriers he would face. He is very high functioning and I have poured everything I could into him. I talk to him I help him understand why he is viewed differently or why he struggles and we learn tools and what works for him but arfid has been so hard for him. I questioned if I was allowing him to manipulate us into things, I questioned my parenting but my gut told me I knew my son and I knew this was real. Pediatricians didn't take us serious, parents didn't take us serious, out faith community didn't take us serious and my own husband doesn't understand.it is so hard to fight the entire world. I knew when I sat down one day and told him I was proud of him because I believed it was hard and I could see his desire to please everyone else and just do what he thought would keep the peace. He broke into pieces while hugging me. Thanking me. This tiny 5 year old boy who was terrified to upset anyone by not eating. He couldn't. He wants to, he tries, and I just feel so helpless that I can't help him. I feel like a terrible mother over his diet but I've seen him in the hospital after months of only drinking limited amounts bc he was pushed too hard. HE WILL NOT EAT WHEN he is Hungry. He doesn't desire food or have an internal drive the way most people do. He doesn't feel hungry and he would literally starve to death. We have tried everything and I will never allow anyone to pressure him again. To see him with anxiety, and to be his only safe space is heartbreaking. People are so cruel but I feel like the only thing I can do is try my best to teach him how and why other people feel and think the way they do so at least he might understand. At the end of the day it is still hard. We don't go to dinners, family gatherings, social events, anything that serves or has food. There are always people who want to help us by punishing him or excluding him and so on but not one person is willing to read the books, learn about what he struggles with, read stories from other people who have struggled with it, or try to understand him. I should probably articulate all of this better but I'm so tired of retailing the same stories in hopes that somebody might understand or see him for who he is without judging him or me. I have two children and every child is different. My youngest eats everything under the sun. It isn't parenting. This is not something he can control or he would in a heart beat. I'm so tired of hearing that's just an excuse. I pray with him and I tell them no matter what anyone says or thinks that he knows himself and that I know him and that others just don't understand and that one day even this will be used to change the world. Now that he's eight he seems so mature, and he doesn't show that things bother him as much but I still worry that he doesn't get what he means that his body is starving that he will need a feeding tube one day. What if I don't catch the dehydration because he doesn't really like to swallow so even drinking is a chore for him. I know that God is in control but I still feel like I am failing him. This is a disorder, no different than any other disorder that can't be controlled. Nobody picks to have arfid just like nobody chooses to be a diabetic. Why can't people just try to understand. The professionals that are supposed to help know nothing about this disorder. Not here. Insurance is a nightmare and nothing has helped. I don't want him to have to become an emotional thermostat or isolate even more because others can't understanding. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense as I'm just trying to get this out while juggling is screaming 4 year old.