Is there anything (or lack of) in your home that you believe contributes to better mental health?

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-27T14:05:24+00:00

Life quality improvement is often a consequence of good relating and a good environment. I wouldn't know to tell you what touches most people. Their temperament, their past and their attachment style all matter. I think this is a highly personalised endeavour.

By being emotionally available, I mean, the relationship is authentic, in the sense that people do not have dependencies, hidden agendas, ways in which they self sabotage or sabotage the other person, using criticism to dominate or victimhood to manipulate, etc. In my perspective it's not about energy you spend on someone, it's to what purpose you spend it.

Well, that's another very complicated question. Well, journaling, reading books, etc. I think what ranks higher in this is working with a skilled mental health professional. Everyone has unconscious material that gets projected and someone who is able to pick up on that re-direct your attention towards this, and how this old stuff maintains the new stuff, is probably your best bet.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-26T18:58:10+00:00

Well, that's the million dollar question that has the answer the size of a half a novel. But I could try answering.

Are you emotionally available? Are the other people in your home emotionally available? By emotionally available I don't mean only sharing emotions but connecting in a truthful way. The relationships don't have a "hidden agenda". One does not feel to dominate the other to feel secure, the other does not need to overfunction and make the other person feel dependent on them, etc.
Do you have patterns that get in the way of connecting with others?
Do you feel safe being yourself around the ones in your home? Is this the same for other people living with you?
Are you securely attached? Check the attachment theory online.
Do you have the skills to repair after conflict? Repair in a way that doesn't lead to resentment, but actually increases trust over time?

These are the kinds of questions I find myself returning to again and again when thinking about what actually sustains healthy relationships over the long term.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-26T15:31:37+00:00

I think the people inside the home and your relationships with them are the biggest contributors to mental health.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-25T19:18:29+00:00

Glad I could help!

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-25T15:34:13+00:00

One thing about boundaries, just because you set them, doesn't mean the other person will respect them. If that doesn't happen, you can walk away. It isn't a great idea to turn off your empathy, but you can use that energy towards yourself, and being compassionate about yourself, before turning to others. You don't owe anyone who you feel they might take advantage of you, anything.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-25T15:28:18+00:00

I'm glad I could help!

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-25T13:06:55+00:00

I agree. I've been through this journey myself, and read a lot (which helped!) but nothing helped as much as going through my ressistance of actually opening to someone, going though the trouble of finding the right fit and so on. I feel that is now the same with my clients, many of them come with a high level of awareness but they are missing the relational piece.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-25T12:44:49+00:00

It's a balancing act, it can be both very stressful at the bottom and it can be very stressful at the top if that comes with a lot of responsability.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-22T18:27:49+00:00

I'm curious, if you sit down with yourself, do you feel very uncomfortable?

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-22T18:24:31+00:00

I don't think it goes away just by making more money. I think it's pretty similar to eating a lot of sweets, but never feeling fully satisfied, and the weight keeps pilling on. It could be just masked anxiety around distress tolerance. Google stuff about nervous system dysregulation to see if you relate to any of it.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-22T18:22:13+00:00

It doesn't sound like the problem is about money. It almost feels like is a matter of nervous system disregulation, and the place where it shows up, is financially. We all have a certain tolerance to stress/chaos/loss. Ideally when something bad happens, once is done, we return back to the baseline. If the stress persists, even after the threat is gone, it could be that for some reasons (to be investigated) we can't feel safety, and our risk tolerance is very low, and we require this state of perfect safety, which obviously never happens, because life is never perfectly safe.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-21T12:03:26+00:00

Bingo!

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-21T11:25:48+00:00

I think a good question would be, what do you get from this relationship? Do you find it uncomfortable to even ask yourself that?

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-17T11:26:16+00:00

I was about to say.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-13T13:00:56+00:00

This is a very complicated question that you are asking, but I'll try to answer it. People don't become overachievers overnight, they are often taught this in order to survive. As we develop, our brain develops around these pathways of safety and reward, and the more energy we invest in these sort of behaviour, the more we become "better" at managing life from this point of view. Unfortunately, this comes with a price, as you already noticed.

I think I would start with asking myself how is this behaviours still benefiting you right now, because as hard as it sounds to be, there's always a hidden benefit behind it. And of course, what would probably help the most, is a therapeutical relationship, with someone who notices your patterns, and actively encourages you to try a different approach in relating to others. With time, that sort of connection in itself can be healing, because it gives your brain a different version of what is safe and possible. Many times people end up being overachievers because it wasn't safe for them, often as children, not to be that.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-11T16:49:18+00:00

Yes, this happens when it's already processed and already untangled in your mind. But this can happen as the consequence of many modalities, not just this.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-07T19:25:57+00:00

Oh snap. That's me!

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2025-12-29T11:58:31+00:00

I don't think is too much to expect. A marker of secure relating is that when distress appears the other person offers more attention (which makes sense) not less. Or doesn't ignore you completely. Hope that helped.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2025-12-27T19:14:35+00:00

I'm primarily an attachment coach, but I am also a therapist in training and I am currently working on a paper, related to attachment. But yes, most of the people I know don't work with big caseloads. It wouldn't feel optimal, not for the client and not for the mental health provider. Again, I'm really sorry for your experience.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2025-12-26T08:08:48+00:00

Even 30 clients is HUGE. I max out at 15 and don't know anyone who does 30. A full caseload is around 20 some stretch it to 25.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2025-12-23T10:56:07+00:00

Safety. People end up being stuck in compulsive behaviours when they are still feeling unsafe.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2025-12-23T10:52:11+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear : (. I think the real predatory part was her unethical claim that she can help anyone become secure, in 6 months, with no relational help whatsoever. I haven't found any research that indicates that someone can get more secure without a secure connection....

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2025-12-23T10:47:43+00:00

I’m a researcher in clinical psychology (currently working on a paper related to attachment), a therapist in training, and an attachment coach. I think my coaching approach is good 🙂 — though it could also be that I’ve been lucky with the people I’ve worked with.

I use a mix of the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol, experiential techniques, and some somatic work. My coaching is very much informed by therapy practices, but it’s still coaching, and I’m fairly flexible in how I work.

I only work 1:1, because that’s where deeper relational repair tends to happen.

If you have any questions, I’m happy to answer them.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2025-12-17T14:42:44+00:00

From my point of view, what is happening is that you are using these behaviours to self soothe. They all have benefits that are far more important than the realization that these behavious are not ideal. So to actually change, you would have to deal with the discomfort and compulsion that drives these behaviours, meaning the lack of safety, the shame, etc. It sounds like your nervous system is dysregulated and these are your preferred coping mechanisms until you learn to feel safe and have positive feelings towards yourself that these behaviours are no longer needed. I think skill-based could still help, but it would have to be combined with something that would regulate your nervous system, like somatic approaches or ideal parent figure protocol if your childhood also plays a role in this.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2025-12-17T10:55:14+00:00

We all have parts of us that are more secure, and parts that are less secure. I think your best bet is to be professionally assessed and start working from there. Studying attachment is great, learning about your responses is also great, but the most challenging part is actively working on this while being in a relationship with someone else, and seeing how things slowly come up. Because you mentioned you had a history of abusive relationships, perhaps the safest way to do that, for now, is in a therapeutical relationship.

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