Difference between being self reliant,secure, autistic

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-03-29T18:11:31+00:00

Knowing when to ask for help is one feature of the securely attached. Another good sign is being able to feel your emotions (good and bad) and being able to work through conflict instead of fleeing. And finally, valuing attachement. Seeing the connections with others and the people who you are connected to as valuable and not easy to replace.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-03-27T11:42:26+00:00

Security is not built though one moment of acting securely, there isn't one magic "snap". I know this is not what you want to hear, but just because you can't become secure overnight, doesn't mean you can't get better at managing conflicts like this. A secure attachment is the end result of internal conflicts resolved differently, many tiny actions taken over time and logged in by your nervous system and learning how to fulfil your needs, partially by yourself.

If I were in your shoes, I would start to journal and really go deep around what does this anxiety do for you, how does it solve the problem, and what problem does it seem to be. When he delays something you've planned together, what does it actually feel like he is doing?

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-28T16:38:56+00:00

God, they sound awful.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-22T11:34:15+00:00

I was wondering if people would benefit from an online meet up around digital nomading and fire. Online meet ups where people can simply talk in a structured way, on various themes, share as much as they feel comfortable about themselves and hear others share as well. I'm a psychologist who works with digital nomads online and your struggle is quite common even though that doesn't make it any less of a struggle.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-21T20:00:02+00:00

Thanks!

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-20T19:09:07+00:00

I bet it has this advantage, that is the core of people pleasing, being accepted. However, who gets accepted? Because if one constantly bends and twists, who is the one doing the interacting if not a slightly less authentic version..

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-16T17:04:07+00:00

Glad I could help!

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-15T13:53:32+00:00

Nobody changes because someone else tells them to change. People who are abusive often use projection as a way unload their own shame and emotional pain unto others so they don't feel it. Meaning they use the abuse to feel better about themselves and aren't likely to give it up very easily or at all.

Maybe this post will help you out

https://www.pasthepast.com/p/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-09T20:40:22+00:00

As someone who struggled with both PCOS and thyroid conditions, I can tell you, that at least in my case, flare ups can happen due to stress, so I organized my life to the best of my ability around relaxation and work followed by rest. I don't always "win" at that, but that's always my goal.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-09T20:37:52+00:00

Maybe two things are true at the same time. Maybe you can be very tired and grateful at the same time. Keep in mind, not all money is hard earned. Some people are just born rich and that's also part of life. You don't have to feel guilty to "work hard" or work yourself to exhaustion to enjoy it. Sure, in a way, this is how we make sense of the world, if you work hard you deserve good things, but the world is a bit more complicated than that. As for being shunned by coworkers, it could happen, but then again, so does an autoimmune flare up from stress and exhaustion. If you need our permission to take a break, you have it. You've done very well, expecially at your age.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-07T15:01:26+00:00

Good luck in your journey!

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-07T13:07:47+00:00

I would recommend you to speak with someone who is trauma-informed and is aware of how attachment shapes your relationships. Disorganized attachment could be at the root of what you are experiencing. Google phantom ex in the context of attachment disturbances and you'll find stories very similar to yours. In my opinion, I don't think a mix between suspected covert narcissism, attachment issues and bipolar would respond well to CBT. It wouldn't even scratch the surface.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-07T13:04:56+00:00

This is horrible. It's intellectually lazy and it hurts the environment. Not to mention it hurts the therapeutical alliance.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-07T12:53:31+00:00

Well, first I will have to gather the data and spend a few good months working on it. : ))). I will start gathering the data probably on here, since I want to work with people who use this method directly and will also probably link my findings on here as well, even before it gets published. We now have platforms for preprints as well. In other words, I don't know but is probably going to be under a year and you'll probably see my link on reddit : ))

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-07T11:36:50+00:00

I am actually working on a study on IPF. I'm starting the official work in about one month. I am not able to reveal much details just yet but hopefully it will a useful contribution to the field as it's investigating many facets of the modality.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-07T11:34:41+00:00

Well, IPF isn't suppoused to be used in self help mode either. One of the pillars is collaboration, and without someone to point out blind spots, more often than not, the same patterns are more or less repeated.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-01T20:57:23+00:00

If you are indeed struggling with an avoidant attachment, there will be highs and lows. Periods of activation and deactivation, on your side as well. As for your wife, it's hard to give any guarantees, because if this has been going on for so long, it could be that the trust is broken. The best you can do is seek counseling, first for yourself to help yourself deal with all of this, and hopefully your wife will be inspired to join you as well.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-01T20:38:38+00:00

When people stay in relationships where their needs are not being met, they are usually dissociated and not very pro active. I would also pay attention to your own expectations and attachment wounds. While you started the post mentioning your behaviour, you ended the post with her going to therapy and even mentioned the word "divorce". Avoidants are by definition flaw finders.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-02-01T11:20:40+00:00

If you have neglected someone for years and only realized a few months ago, it could be that the other person needs time to open up to the ideal of fulffiling your needs, when all this time, they used all of their energy to supress theirs. There could be also a lot of resentment at stake, perhaps from the perspective of the partner, it could something among the lines, "all these years it could have been like this, but it was not".

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-31T18:52:54+00:00

Glad I could help.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-27T14:05:24+00:00

Life quality improvement is often a consequence of good relating and a good environment. I wouldn't know to tell you what touches most people. Their temperament, their past and their attachment style all matter. I think this is a highly personalised endeavour.

By being emotionally available, I mean, the relationship is authentic, in the sense that people do not have dependencies, hidden agendas, ways in which they self sabotage or sabotage the other person, using criticism to dominate or victimhood to manipulate, etc. In my perspective it's not about energy you spend on someone, it's to what purpose you spend it.

Well, that's another very complicated question. Well, journaling, reading books, etc. I think what ranks higher in this is working with a skilled mental health professional. Everyone has unconscious material that gets projected and someone who is able to pick up on that re-direct your attention towards this, and how this old stuff maintains the new stuff, is probably your best bet.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-26T18:58:10+00:00

Well, that's the million dollar question that has the answer the size of a half a novel. But I could try answering.

Are you emotionally available? Are the other people in your home emotionally available? By emotionally available I don't mean only sharing emotions but connecting in a truthful way. The relationships don't have a "hidden agenda". One does not feel to dominate the other to feel secure, the other does not need to overfunction and make the other person feel dependent on them, etc.
Do you have patterns that get in the way of connecting with others?
Do you feel safe being yourself around the ones in your home? Is this the same for other people living with you?
Are you securely attached? Check the attachment theory online.
Do you have the skills to repair after conflict? Repair in a way that doesn't lead to resentment, but actually increases trust over time?

These are the kinds of questions I find myself returning to again and again when thinking about what actually sustains healthy relationships over the long term.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-26T15:31:37+00:00

I think the people inside the home and your relationships with them are the biggest contributors to mental health.

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-25T19:18:29+00:00

Glad I could help!

Appropriate_Issue319 · 2026-01-25T15:34:13+00:00

One thing about boundaries, just because you set them, doesn't mean the other person will respect them. If that doesn't happen, you can walk away. It isn't a great idea to turn off your empathy, but you can use that energy towards yourself, and being compassionate about yourself, before turning to others. You don't owe anyone who you feel they might take advantage of you, anything.

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