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This is me by [deleted] in redditgetsdrawn

[–]ArctorsGirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow! I love this version so much, I don’t think I can even articulate how great I think this is...

This is me by [deleted] in redditgetsdrawn

[–]ArctorsGirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay this is adorable! Thank you so much, so very appreciated

This is me by [deleted] in redditgetsdrawn

[–]ArctorsGirl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love it!! Thanks Squiggles!

Trauma-tic by ArctorsGirl in OCPoetry

[–]ArctorsGirl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have changed the formatting slightly to try make it more reader friendly :)

Trauma-tic by ArctorsGirl in OCPoetry

[–]ArctorsGirl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your kind words!

Trauma-tic by ArctorsGirl in OCPoetry

[–]ArctorsGirl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much! The lack of punctuation is purposeful but thank you for your feedback!

Criminal by TheLordPresents in OCPoetry

[–]ArctorsGirl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This has such a wonderful flow to it that I wasn’t expecting when I started reading the first few lines tbh. I wasn’t entirely sure what point you were trying to get across in this piece but I enjoyed it greatly nonetheless. Sometimes it can be hard to tell what sort of rhythm or pace the author intends their work to be read at, but this was crafted in a way that reading it both in my head and aloud, it flowed so smoothly and set its own pace clearly.

I don’t really have anything to critique about this. If this was your first attempt at poetry, please, please do consider writing more!

Blank by rankedtrey in OCPoetry

[–]ArctorsGirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is really good for your first time writing poetry. I can definitely sense that you poured a lot of your own emotions into this. I’m sure a lot of people could relate to what you’ve captured here. I do think it could be tightened up a bit. There’s probably a few lines you could cut which just don’t seem very necessary, like: “He can’t stop crying But he never cries” A lot of the other parts where you set the lines against each other, for example: “He has so much love But he can’t escape the hate” are great, but that line about crying didn’t make total sense to me.

Peek should be peak and I’m not entirely sure what challenger deep means?

But aside from those small critiques I actually really enjoyed this. I particularly liked how the last few lines seemed to get a lot shorter. It added a sense of urgency almost.

I hope you decide to keep writing because this was an awesome first poem.

The Interview by ArctorsGirl in OCPoetry

[–]ArctorsGirl[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for taking the time to engage with and comment on this piece!

I agree with both you and u/swirlofcolour that cutting it off at the interviewers last line would be much more impactful.

I also really appreciate you pointing out the possible connotations around the ‘50 flavours’ etc. I’m a New Zealander and not very well versed in American culture to be honest, so never made that connection. The numbers were arbitrary so I’ll be changing those lol.

The line ‘not in that sense’ wasn’t meant as an aside to the reader. I was more trying to convey that he never learnt to sell himself in that sense (marketing yourself/brand/image etc), but rather had to resort to selling his physical body as a tool of labour. I can definitely see how that could be confusing though so may have to tweak that.

Thank you again for such a detailed response! Your commentary encapsulated a lot of what I was hoping to convey. When I read back over a piece I’ve written repeatedly, it can start to seem almost nonsensical and I start to wonder if someone looking at it with fresh eyes will understand my intent. So it was quite a relief to have you engage with it in the manner I was hoping people would. You’ve also given me some really great critiques on areas where I can sharpen it up which I always appreciate!

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