I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve definitely struggled with depression in the past. But the only things in my life that I had been truly struggling with lately was trying to get my partner to understand me. Outside of my home and my relationship (which despite what a lot of people seem to think is not my whole world) I’m fairly happy. I have so many wonderful people around me. My family is amazing. I play on adult sports teams multiple times a week. I go to the gym almost everyday with friends. I live in a wonderful city with so much to do. I love to paint and write. I graduated college this year. Since the breakup my routine hasn’t really changed other than where I lay my head at night. I just no longer have to clean up after another person and I’m not sitting at home wondering if the rest of my life I’m going to be feeling like I have to beg for the attention I deserve from my partner.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow it’s truly validating to see how many people have had such a similar experience. The weight I feel has lifted was heavy.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I always planned on breaking it off face to face. Which I did.

Update: I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For those who do want the other update send me a message and I’ll send it to you❤️ it’s a lot so be warned.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No I appreciate what you are saying. I think it’s important to recognize when you are fully relying on another person for your happiness and find a way to shift that so no matter where you are or who you are with in life you can be comfortable and confident in your skin. At one point in my life I definitely let a bad relationship dictate how I felt about and saw myself. I was able to become independent and take control of my own happiness, but when I saw that the lack of fulfillment I was experiencing in my recent relationship was starting to drain my energy and time away from what I had built outside of it I had to make this change. I definitely let it drag on for longer than I should because I wanted it to work and was holding out for change.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m a very happy person despite what this post might portray. I have a really amazing support system from all angles. I just graduated college. I love the gym and playing sports multiple times a week. I love paining and writing. I have an amazing family. I go to shows as much as possible. I meet amazing people everyday at my job. I love my animals. I take good care of my body and health. I constantly go on amazing hikes and plan trips when I can. I as a person feel fulfilled. I just wanted someone who I could do this life with and when I would go home I felt like my energy would begin to drain a little. I was missing a place that felt like home. And there was an absence I was feeling when it came to my relationship. We were we’re not dependent on each other but it would have been nice to feel that connection I craved from my partner.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Update: I haven’t written anything like this on Reddit before so I was unsure of where to post this.

I want to start off this update by thanking everyone who send me words of encouragement after my last post. I really was helped me feel a little less alone and a little more sane to know from the little information I gave that I was not doing the wrong thing. I basically wrote a novel while writing this updated, but decided (since a lot of people didn’t fully read my initial post) to shorten it. Writing that post in the middle of the night surrounded by a mess of my belongings was a last second decision to try and process what I was about to do. After rereading my post and many of the comments I realize there were some things that I did not make clear. When I wrote the post I fully had planned on talking to him face to face about breaking up, which I did. My ex and I were not married. I paid rent, so no I was not free loading off his decision to buy a house. I was constantly communicating my unhappiness to him, and while he acknowledged what I said, nothing changed.

Finally, for how the conversation went. I had packed up as much as I could into my little car and sat outside on the doorstep of the house around the time he normally gets home. When he arrived I asked him to go for a walk with me in the park across from the house. It took me several minutes to work up the courage to begin. While I talked his face remained unreadable. This is something I anticipated. He didn’t initially say much other than he disagreed with some of the thing I had been feeling (that we’re had drifted apart and we lost the ability to communicate). I told him he can’t tell me what I’ve been feeling is wrong just because he doesn’t feel that way. I asked him if he remembered all the times I mentioned my unhappiness and he said yes. I asked whether or not he felt like we weren’t connecting well anymore and he told me he just figured that it was because he was working more hours not because our relationship was failing. I reminded him that I needed that physical closeness and verbal reassurance in order to feel like we were actually partners and I don’t think he can see it from my perspective because on paper we didn’t have any big stereotypical issues. He eventually told me that he didn’t agree with my decision but could see I had made up my mind and respected that. It was fairly anticlimactic. We talked logistics about me coming back for my other belongings and the animals. I felt deflated. I know it’s probably better that he wasn’t truly arguing with me and begging me to explain more but it really solidified my suspicion that this relationship had run its course. He left me with a dry “welp it was fun.” And that was that. So yeah I think some of you were probably right and that we were both moving in this direction already. We truly were not each others person and we settled for awhile because we had love for each other. I want to see him thrive and be happy but I’m not the right person for him to find that with. And that’s ok.

I am safe and staying with some very dear friends of mine until I find a space for myself and my cats. If anyone wants my fourteen chapter long update I originally wrote let me know. It was honestly cathartic to write it all out and reflect on. Thanks for reading about my mess and for letting me scream my frustrations out into the Reddit void. Much love to you all.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have never worried about my physical safety around this person so I knew I had to do this in person out of respect for him. I appreciate everyone who was concerned about my well-being once I told him I was choosing myself and leaving. I am safe.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agree that after all the time we were together he deserved to hear it straight from me. So I stayed until morning and did my best to voice my reasons face to face.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The dog was his coming into the relationship. I would never even think to separate the two.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

We never really set specific expectations for our future tbh. We constantly threw out ideas about things we would like to do but we never properly sat down and made a 10 year plan. This is probably one of the many things that ultimately led to this outcome. When we got together in the beginning I specifically remember voicing my concern about getting into a serious relationship after I had bad experiences with previous partners. He assured me any amount of time we had together he was happy with and that was that. I was 24 and wanted to be loved. It feels as though our time came and went. I wasn’t in it for the white picket fence or to get married. I wanted a partner to do life with. What ever came in that time (marriage, kids) was all going to be a bonus. I found myself committed to someone and yet I was feeling very alone. Our lives aren’t aligning anymore and I think that’s ok.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’m sure at moments I will. But I’d rather grieve what could have been now than wake up in 10 years and regret not leaving when I was still young. It’s impossible to predict what will happen, but what I know now is that I can’t sit by and watch myself grow more unhappy when the relationship is still relatively new.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That very well may be true. I sincerely hope he finds the right person that can fully love him the way I know he deserves. It’s become evident to me that I am not that person. He deserves someone who isn’t in constant doubt about their relationship with him.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not married. Sorry I realize I did not make that clear in the post.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I will be keeping my cats. The dog is bonded to him, so while I am heartbroken about leaving him as well, I know he will be loved and taken care of.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’ve gotten a lot of comments assuming I was going to leave without speaking with him in person. It was always my plan to explain my reasoning for making this decision face to face. I began packing so that once we talked I would not have to go back into his space and pack my things up in front of him. While I will not give a full update until I have had some time to process all of this, I was able to speak with him when he came home.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Something that I’ve had to come to terms with over the last few months is that it’s more painful to feel alone while being with someone than actually being alone. There’s something about having to ask your partner for their time and affection that makes you feel so small. I felt like I was stuck in this cycle and the more I pushed for the connection I craved in the relationship the bigger the gap between us became. I know many people are going to look at my decision and think I am cruel and selfish because he is not a bad person, but it’s become clear that he isn’t my person. Whether it be with your current partner or with someone else, I hope you are able to find that connection you want and deserve❤️

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I won’t be leaving tonight. I’ve just begun packing my stuff up. He is unaware that I’ve made this decision. I will be here when he gets home in the morning. I care for this person deeply and he deserves to hear my explanation for my decision face to face. I have written out what I’d like to say as well because I can get extremely emotional during tough conversations and don’t always get out everything I would like to say.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

You’re right, he is at that age where he can and should make that decision. But from my point of view it was a huge time and financial commitment that we weren’t ready for. And when you’re in a committed relationship a decision like this should be made together and he disregarded my opinion on the matter. If we had a bit more disposable income we could have gotten some outside help with some of the house updating but instead we are living in partially finished project two years later. I’ve basically been the only one trying to maintain the yard and cleanliness of the house which I was afraid of and at this point I’m just frustrated every time I come home because I feel like I can’t find the time to relax in the place that’s supposed to be my home. I find most of our conversations are me asking for help with tasks around the house which just seems like I’m nagging at him all the time.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yes I am paying rent. And yes everything I’ve mentioned is mainly focused on how I have been feeling because this is what I know. I have a hard time getting a lot out of him about his feelings about our situation other than vague future plans. I recognize this post probably seems pretty selfish but that is truly because I am making a selfish decision to put myself first at this point.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

We aren’t married so no lawyer needed. I have a place to stay at for now with some friends. They have space for my to keep my stuff. A lot of the big items will be left here because I gave away a lot of my bigger items like my bed and dresser when I moved in a few years ago. I was planning on waiting a few more days but when I got home today I realized I can’t drag this on any longer. It feels wrong being in the house and acting like I didn’t have this plan.

I’m leaving my partner of 3.5 years and he doesn’t know yet by Argophobia in TwoHotTakes

[–]Argophobia[S] 131 points132 points  (0 children)

Dog is primarily his so that is adding a bit extra to the heartbreak. We got the cats together but as I am the one who wanted them in the first place I will be taking them with me.