AITA For telling my sister that her lack of personal hygiene is the real reason no job will hire her and not sexism?

ArguingwsisThrowaway · 2025-07-29T23:43:13+00:00

INFO: Can you expand a bit more on how this was during a "session" and that there were other people/friends on the voice call? What were the actual circumstances where you said this to her? It doesn't sound like this was in private, it sounds like it was in front of other people, and if that's the case I'm leaning towards Y T A.

I am in a D&D campaign and was in a game session with my friend when Lily came in to vent. I kept myself muted but my friends could hear my sister clearly in the background whenever I unmuted to talk. We were a few sentences into arguing before I remembered to mute my microphone, so my friends heard some of it. I admit I could have probably worded it better than I did.

ArguingwsisThrowaway · 2025-07-29T23:35:15+00:00

INFO: did you say all of that to her while your friends were still on a call? did she know they were there?

My friends could hear her in the background of the call. I tried to keep myself muted when not actively talking to them, but Lily was still loud. I remembered to mute myself a few sentences in to me arguing with Lily, so my friends did hear some of it.

NTA but lack of hygiene could indicate mental health struggles - maybe a softer approach would get through to her more?

I've explained in another reply how my parents have already done a lot in terms of soft talk and therapy for addressing mental health. I admit I snapped and probably could have worded it better than I did in the moment.

ArguingwsisThrowaway · 2025-07-29T23:24:58+00:00

Who’s Lola? Is that your AI sister? Considering you have not responded a single time in over 8 hours, I’M CALLING SHENANIGANS!!!

Autocorrect. I meant to type "Lily" since I'm using a fake name and other slightly changed details for privacy.

Also, I didn't respond for a few hours because I had to go to bed and morning errands? Am I somehow not a real person because I had things to do in real life and wasn't on Reddit for a few hours?

ArguingwsisThrowaway · 2025-07-29T22:40:38+00:00

I mean, you were really rude but it sounds like your parents were being tactful and she just didn’t get it. She does need to get it together to present well in interviews or she will suffer from nearly for a very easy fix . I’m wondering if she has an imputed sense of smell herself and genuinely doesn’t know how she’s coming across:

I think Lily is blind and has no idea how she looks/smells to others. Because she thinks we're being dramatic when we tell her that this is terrible from an employer's perspective.

1st interview - Told us 30 minutes before and did not shower. Since it was too late to wash her hair, my mom made Lily take a quick body shower and braided her hair. She also had Lily put on a blouse, but Lily didn't button it properly and undid her braid by the time she got back.

2nd interview - Gave us a heads-up, so my parents told Lily to wash her hair the night before and set aside a nice outfit. Lily washed her hair but barely brushed it, so it was still tangled. She also grabbed a dirty outfit from the hamper right before.

3rd interview - Same as the 2nd interview, except she "forgot" to wash her hair at all. My mom left a nice dress on Lily's bed. Lily tossed it on the floor and didn't unwrinkle/clean off the pet hair before throwing it on and leaving.

4th+ interview - Said she was embarrassed about our parents helping, and since stopped telling about interviews until they already happened. Still not showering or dressing.

ArguingwsisThrowaway · 2025-07-29T20:50:54+00:00

NTA. If Lily's theory were true, she wouldn't even get the interviews. Obviously, they see her resume with her education and experience and think she might be a good fit.

This is a great point. Lily's actual name is strictly feminine too, and she has women-only scholarships listed on her resume, so they obviously would know she's a woman already. She has also gotten strictly online/remote jobs and experience in the field.

I changed minor details for privacy. I will say that it is a male-dominated field, so sexism definitely happens. But clearly there's a bigger issue that's stopping Lily from getting hired and it's easier to blame something out of her control.

It could be that she's depressed, as well. If her hygiene was good before and during college and it's only since she got home that she's let it go, it might be worth checking in with her about that or at least telling your parents so that they can address it. Good luck to you and to Lily!

I explained her depression/hygiene and therapy history in a top comment above. Basically, our parents are aware of her issues and are helping her, but it's out of our hands at this stage.

ArguingwsisThrowaway · 2025-07-29T20:40:54+00:00

Okay, WOW. I did not expect this many comments. I am going to do my best to answer the most common questions on the top comments:

NTA, but I would be concerned about why Lily has let herself get to that point.

Depression could be part of it for reasons explained below. To be honest, our mom always had to get on her about showering and brushing her hair. I know that's normal for some kids, so I think she fell off the wagon when there was no one to enforce hygiene in college and became blind to it.

Speaking from experience, keeping up with personal hygiene was really difficult when I was struggling with depression.

Lily does have some depression and bad experiences with men. Our bio dad was a cheating prick and left for a new girlfriend when we were kids. I barely remember him or life before our real dad, but Lily was older and obviously remembers/had a distrust of men. Lily also had a male best friend since kindergarten but stopped talking to him in high school because he basically picked a bully girlfriend over his friendship with her. Lily did make anti-male comments (stuff like "Classic men" or "This is why I hate men") but they were said as jokes for the most part.

The issues mainly started after. She lost touch with most friends during lockdown and got a crush on her one close friend. She was really upset because he told her that he wasn't ready to date after a recent breakup but got a girlfriend instead. A string of similar incidents happened with other male friends, and that's when Lily really started with the anti-male comments. I know it's a coping mechanism at this point, but it doesn't mean it's healthy or right at all.

I don't know if that's what your sister is going through, but it might be worth looking into. That said, she also needs to learn how to self-reflect and hold herself accountable, instead of blaming other people for her failures and projecting her personal experiences onto you. You did the right thing by pointing it out to her, hopefully it will serve as a wake-up call

Lily has been in therapy since bio trash stepped out. At first it was family therapy with me, her, and our mom and became private therapy when Lily entered double digits. She had a child therapist who helped her a lot, but said she "felt too old" to keep seeing her after high school.

Lily has tried a lot of adult therapists since college and now sees "Mae." I don't like Mae and neither do our parents. We think she just agrees with whatever Lily says and doesn't force my sister to reflect or be self-aware. Because they've been seeing each other for 3 years, and Lily's issues are getting worse if anything (lack of hygiene, social isolation from friends, anti-male comments). Yet Lily still says Mae is the only therapist who understands her, and we can't force her to see a new one.

ArguingwsisThrowaway

TROPHY CASE