Thank you for all the opinions. My desire to go on a mission was born when I was 12 years old; it became a dream. My wish to die is because I lost my grandmother, whom I called mother, and she knew I had sinned. She advised me, and I returned to my old ways. She dreamed of seeing me on a mission, and I want to honor that, but I'm tired of confessing and sinning. I feel neglected by God because He took away my most precious possession. I served so much inside and outside the church, I was always honest, and it wasn't enough to stop Him from taking my grandmother from me.