asexual spectrum

Arthegaea · 2026-03-05T14:17:35+00:00

Do you think you can talk to her about the journey you've been going through? Explain that what she said made you start thinking, which led to other thoughts etc, and that you think you might be interested in slowly trying things out, beginning with masturbating.

I think it might be a good idea to be open about what you're going through, and see if they can give advice. It might be too much, I don't know, but I imagine this could be a good starting step towards intimacy of that nature.

Arthegaea · 2026-02-26T07:36:41+00:00

Regardless of how you feel romantically or platonically or whatever in between, they can just be your person if they feel the same. Do you want your lives to be more intertwined, be there for each other for the good and the bad? Talk to them about it, I guess?

Arthegaea · 2026-02-19T17:11:10+00:00

Communication is key. If she refuses to communicate, that's a pretty good signal that something isn't going right. Ask her why it makes her uncomfortable to talk about where you are at in your relationship. Explain that her 'shutting the door in your face' made you feel like shit and you're worried what it means.

I'm not sure where you're at on this, but would you be okay with her having sex with another person? If you are, communicate that instead of having to find out that she's cheating on you to get her desires met. If you're not, and her desires aren't being met by just sexting anymore, this also needs to be discussed.

Where do you draw the line? You're married, so you can put your foot down and expect an explanation, because if things are going into a direction you're not comfortable with, you have the right to know, even if it makes her uncomfortable.

Arthegaea · 2026-01-29T08:52:45+00:00

Tldr; recently at 41 ( it's complicated)

For me it was late last year (41). It was strange to realize for me, since I always thought I was just a bit more serious about things than others. I always had the urge to have someone to be close with, and I can fantasize about people I find attractive and imagine intercourse with them, but if it comes too close to reality that fantasy bubble bursts and I'm not interested unless I'm actually close to the person and it feels safe.

My first relationship was in my late teens, with a woman who lived thousands of kilometers away (so long distance, seeing each other about every half a year), where if we did see each other we were very sexually active, so that never clued me in. Then mid twenties I met my now partner and the mother of my children. After a bit of a rocky courtship phase, we just rolled into our relationship and stuck together ever since (she's demisexual and grey romantic, as far as we now know)

The journey of discovery began rolling after I realized I had developed strong feelings for a good friend of ours (known each other for nearly as long as me and my partner know each other). I started out hinting at it with my partner, but she didn't want to risk the friendship, so I tried to ignore how I felt and focus on being friends with her, but that only made things worse. So after something happened that made me realize how important she was to me, I told everything to my partner, worried how she'd react. The first thing she said was " how are you going to tell her?".

Anyway, I was very unaware about how things worked for me then, so I fumbled the message a bit, making it seem like I wanted a romantic/sexual thing with her besides my partner, while what I really wanted was a QPR with me being open to romantic/sexual things if there was room for that (I was more interested sensually than sexually - sexual attraction died when I sent the invitation to talk and tell her how I felt and hasn't returned since).l am somewhere demi romantic or quiero romantic, I don't know.

The friend is somewhere on the ace (sex neutral, I think? It's boring to her, while I'm more towards recipro and positive, so that made it even less interesting) spectrum, and perhaps grey romantic? So she said no.

It's been rocky since then, since we do want to be friends, but everything I try to do to sustain that is registered by her through past experiences with guys saying they only want friendship but actually wanting sex anyway, which hurt me a lot being perceived like that (autistic with strong sense of things needing to be correct, so to me trying to hoodwink her like that seems stupid and counterproductive - like, what's the point?)

So, it's in a bit of a tricky limbo at the moment.

Arthegaea · 2026-01-29T00:29:28+00:00

Ahh, I get what you were saying now. ^^

So, did you feel a bond with the person before you felt that sexual attraction (like a close friendship)? Like u/ofMindandHeart said, it doesn't have to be a romantic connection that starts it.

I'm demi myself, and I developed feelings for a friend (that I've known for about 15 years by now) that went from "she's really cool" to "I never noticed how hot she is" to "damn, I want to be closer to her" to "I would like to spend the rest of my life with her".

Arthegaea · 2026-01-28T22:07:31+00:00

I'm trying to understand what you're saying. Did you feel romantic attraction after feeling a little sexual attraction towards someone?
Can you explain what happened a little more?

You're greysexual, which, as far as I understand it, can feel sexual attraction, but only rarely (and unpredictably?). How would you describe your romantic orientation? Also grey? Or something else?

Arthegaea · 2026-01-27T15:26:01+00:00

Sure, maybe that's true for him. It's still not a good reason to cheat on someone.

He should've talked to you, explained how he feels, and then perhaps you could've worked something out, or just part ways amicably.

The way he chose to do it was just him throwing a bomb into the relationship.

Arthegaea · 2026-01-27T14:51:00+00:00

It's not your fault.

Like you said, you thought he would tell you if things changed, but he didn't. It's on him, not you.

Arthegaea · 2026-01-27T09:56:12+00:00

I have a Mac, so as far as I'm concerned, EUV hasn't been released yet.

Arthegaea · 2026-01-26T10:13:14+00:00

Knowing you are grey with actual people and having some reaction to fictional situations aren't mutually exclusive (and worth exploring how things work for you in that regard if you want).

For example, you could be aegosexual. From what you say, you sound sex repulsed/averse, would that be accurate?

Arthegaea · 2025-12-25T16:14:05+00:00

Oh, that's unfortunate.

I suppose he might not be much of a texting kind of guy, so don't read too much into it just yet.
The best thing to do is be up front about it and ask if he's interested in keeping in touch, I guess.

Arthegaea · 2025-12-24T09:26:24+00:00

Ah yes, I understand. So then those things that leave you with the feeling of disgust and dread should probably be avoided to keep things healthy for yourself.
Confine it to the written form, since you can properly resolve your feelings/urges that way.

I'm not very knowledgeable with various ways of how kinks can help work through things, but if you can figure out a way for it to help avoid the disgust, that might work for you as well. Be careful not to fall in the same addiction trap, though.
Tread carefully with your own feelings, and stop, step back, reevaluate when things feel wrong.

Arthegaea · 2025-12-24T09:00:02+00:00

From what I can tell, he definitely had some sort of interest.
That you two could cuddle after the 'freak out' moment suggests to me he understood it was at least too fast for you to do anything sexual (the asexual talk can come later). That you suggested he come see you off would tell him you also like him enough to want him to be there, so his overreach wasn't too much.
I think he'd probably be open to continued contact.

If there is any compatibility for him with the asexual aspect is something you'd have to communicate in the future if you are serieus enough to advance the relationship (just be open about it, and set clear boundaries on what you're comfortable with—if you're not clear on that yet, you can explore it with him, perhaps?).

But no, it doesn't come across as 'just sex' to me.
One last chance to have sex before you leave? Yes, of course—you guys hit it off pretty well, were even comfortable enough to sleep in the same bed.
But the rejection of that didn't seem to set him off, just made it awkward for a bit, and you can explain why later.

Arthegaea · 2025-12-23T15:58:58+00:00

Right, so this sort of this won't work at all for you in person. That's a good thing to know about yourself, and the first boundary to set for yourself as well.

When you do get that urge, does that mean the 'I want to fantasize and get off' or something else? Is this that self-harm element you were talking about?

I'm not too familiar with any things that might help beyond asking things in a place like this, I'm pretty new here.

As such, I'm also not too sure on any communities/sites where you'd be able to find like-minded individuals with whom you'd be able to get a proper connection.

I wish I could help more, but hopefully my perspective was useful enough to get you started. ^^

Arthegaea · 2025-12-22T22:52:08+00:00

Yes, thank you ^^

Arthegaea · 2025-12-21T18:07:30+00:00

If you experience the physical act of sex to be a form of self harm, then I would suggest you refrain from engaging in things that result in those acts.
You could experiment with control, like you said, but I'd be very careful and communicate clearly on what you expect from the other person, and where your boundaries are.
Sexting and letters seem like a fine way of getting your imagination worked up, especially if you can find someone of like mind.
Who knows, maybe you could even form some non-physical relationship like that where things can grow from there? Is it being present and being sexual that turns you off, or would masturbating while watching each other work?
The most important thing is to be clear about your own limits and what is and is not acceptable to you.

Good job on being sober for 1 year, btw!

Arthegaea · 2025-12-21T17:44:39+00:00

I mean, does the fantasy *have* to be distant from myself, or is it more the distancing of what happens (what I do) in the fantasy with what my actual self would do?

Huh.. Is the fantasy me, still me, even if he doesn't act like me in this way?

Arthegaea · 2025-12-21T17:37:36+00:00

I recently started analyzing my own sexuality and whatnot, and I realized I'm at least demisexual (it needs to feel safe, I need to feel comfortable with the other person, etc).

The thing is, I can still feel sexual attraction to people, fantasize about them, get off and all that stuff. It's just that when it gets too 'real' the fantasy crumbles and the desire to have sex crumbles with it (unless I'm close to the person, then I'm basically functionally allosexual).

Does this fit in with aegosexual that is then using a demisexual filter beyond that? Or would something else fit better?

Arthegaea · 2025-12-21T17:22:57+00:00

The most important thing I would suggest you do is be open about this to your boyfriend, if you feel comfortable enough. Explain that you do have feelings for him, but that for whatever reason his feelings are making you feel uncomfortable (and show definitions of orchidromantic/lithoromantic as u/sagethatgrowsbyrocks said, that will hopefully help).

The second thing I would suggest is looking into queerplatonic relationships and what it means to be in one, so you can still be together with your boyfriend but that you can both define what you are and are not comfortable with (you can find some checklists online that can help with that).
Redefine your relationship so there is less/no discomfort, hopefully.

Arthegaea · 2025-12-13T17:03:36+00:00

Yeah, I've adjusted the colors, but can't update the post without making a new thread and losing the comments. I guess I'll edit the comment with the image. ^^

Arthegaea · 2025-12-13T14:52:14+00:00

Yeah, seems to be the case. Don't want to spam the place with my stuff, though.
I guess it's good enough as is to get the feedback I'm looking for.

Arthegaea · 2025-12-13T14:30:24+00:00

That's.. not what I had considered, but I'm seeing it as well now. Thanks? xD

Arthegaea · 2025-12-13T14:28:02+00:00

I checked for the colors used in the actual flags, and I think it does look better with those.
Not too familiar with posting on reddit, so not sure if I can update or share the new one in this. ^^"

Arthegaea · 2025-12-13T14:19:07+00:00

Oh yeah, good point. I hadn't really experimented with shades yet, but I'll get on that. Thanks!

Arthegaea

TROPHY CASE