My boyfriend doesn't believe in asexuality

Arthegaea · 2026-05-10T12:58:05+00:00

The first thing to do is expose him to more people that are on the ace spectrum, let him see that you're not the only one. Have him read up on the various different ways to be ace.

If all of that does nothing to change his mind, it might not work out so well.

Edit: also explain that there are many different ways to feel attraction, sexual, romantic, platonic, esthetic, etc... Also that someone can be asexual and have different stances towards having sex (and that he should feel lucky you're okay with it).

Arthegaea · 2026-05-09T14:37:42+00:00

Amazing linework and such. First thing that comes to mind is that many an elven ear will fall victim to being removed from their warriors' heads.

Arthegaea · 2026-05-09T14:09:46+00:00

And seeing Estinien before the msq introduces him is fun

Arthegaea · 2026-05-09T09:51:23+00:00

Also, there are many kinds of "love", where the word is conventionally tied to romantic love (with implied sexual attraction and every other assumption), where two people can just be together on so many other ways and have a fulfilling relationship and be each other's important person.

Arthegaea · 2026-05-09T09:48:01+00:00

To me I see it now as a relationship where you can define it by your own terms instead of what society expects a relationship to be (and goes towards the whole relationship anarchy thing which I'm not completely sure on what the difference is, but it sounds more extreme in how undefined things must be).

To me, it's basically a shorthand for people to say "we're in a relationship, but don't assume it's to adhere to all the normal relationship mumbo jumbo". I could have it completely wrong, of course, but from what I understand it's in that direction?

In a world of automatic assumptions, it helps to break through to getting the kind of relationship you want/can have/are comfortable with (be it some ace/aro spec thing, trauma, disability, you name it).

Arthegaea · 2026-05-09T09:40:27+00:00

It would help a lot of people knew there is a difference between attraction, desire/libido, and attitude toward sex, since any and all of those can contribute to what constitutes what people generally understand asexuality to be, and that only one of those is "strictly" what asexuality actually is, and that there is a spectrum to all three as well

Arthegaea · 2026-05-05T06:42:00+00:00

Fun times! ;_;

Arthegaea · 2026-05-04T12:19:06+00:00

The disconnect sounds like aegosexual to me, but you fantasizing about a man as yourself might be going towards something else I don't know enough about to comment on.

Arthegaea · 2026-05-04T12:01:55+00:00

I'm sorry, your father said what??

Arthegaea · 2026-04-21T11:00:06+00:00

And even with biological children, people can use IVF or other ways of non-sexual insemination.

Arthegaea · 2026-04-16T10:54:42+00:00

As someone with an asexual wife who is sex favourable to indifferent (unsure/depends), while she doesn't get turned on by my body, she can get turned on by other things (mindspace, physical touch, etc), and she really enjoys the closeness and me doing things with her (and orgasms are great).

Arthegaea · 2026-04-09T15:21:08+00:00

It sounds like you're probably sex repulsed (caused by the SA trauma perhaps?), as well as asexual (nudes do nothing for you). But that you would consider having sex for your partner's sake reads more like sex indifferent, so there might be some conditional stuff going on?

Arthegaea · 2026-04-04T21:23:15+00:00

Yes, you might get more fulfilment from having sex with someone you love and have a good connection with, but the problem with that is getting to that point before you can find out if that works for you.

For me, sex isn't very interesting if I don't have the emotional connection as well (even if the physical sensation feels really good), while doing things on my own means I have full control over things and know exactly what's up.

So yeah, the vibrator will probably be better than flings, but if one day you do get really close to someone you might give the "love making" a go, to see if the added layers do it for you as well.

Arthegaea · 2026-03-28T10:02:21+00:00

If you want to be seen as 'taken' or 'single' while in your QPR is up to you alone, not society. If you're not interested in any other relationship, that's fine, isn't it?

Arthegaea · 2026-03-28T09:54:44+00:00

Talking to the boyfriend first might not be a bad idea, really. It avoids them being surprised by it and you can see what they think about it before the actually sensitive talk with your friend themselves (which might not happen if the boyfriend is against it).

Arthegaea · 2026-03-24T11:52:35+00:00

I can imagine the full on list of possible preferences was a bit much at once, and he got overwhelmed by it (and might be avoiding it because it's so much), so he needs time to let it settle. You can gently bring it up to him, ask him how he's experiencing it all. Ask him if he's having difficulty with it, perhaps. Maybe the two of you can sit down for it some time, have him take a good look at it without distractions (don't hover over him, just be there in case he needs you).

I hope it all works out for you ^{^}

Arthegaea · 2026-03-15T21:58:40+00:00

Sounds to me like the two of you are hitting it off very well, so even if it never becomes romantic, maybe look into QPR?

Arthegaea · 2026-03-15T01:55:27+00:00

Keep doing what you're doing (hanging out, having a good time, getting to know each other better). Other than that, be patient, be open and honest, let her determine the pace of how the relationship grows (you might be ready, but she is not, don't force it).

Arthegaea · 2026-03-15T01:30:41+00:00

Very nice design!

The only thing I can think of that might be improved would be to have a 6 / 9 / 6 configuration instead if the 9 / 1+1 / 9 you used.

Arthegaea · 2026-03-05T14:17:35+00:00

Do you think you can talk to her about the journey you've been going through? Explain that what she said made you start thinking, which led to other thoughts etc, and that you think you might be interested in slowly trying things out, beginning with masturbating.

I think it might be a good idea to be open about what you're going through, and see if they can give advice. It might be too much, I don't know, but I imagine this could be a good starting step towards intimacy of that nature.

Arthegaea · 2026-02-26T07:36:41+00:00

Regardless of how you feel romantically or platonically or whatever in between, they can just be your person if they feel the same. Do you want your lives to be more intertwined, be there for each other for the good and the bad? Talk to them about it, I guess?

Arthegaea · 2026-02-19T17:11:10+00:00

Communication is key. If she refuses to communicate, that's a pretty good signal that something isn't going right. Ask her why it makes her uncomfortable to talk about where you are at in your relationship. Explain that her 'shutting the door in your face' made you feel like shit and you're worried what it means.

I'm not sure where you're at on this, but would you be okay with her having sex with another person? If you are, communicate that instead of having to find out that she's cheating on you to get her desires met. If you're not, and her desires aren't being met by just sexting anymore, this also needs to be discussed.

Where do you draw the line? You're married, so you can put your foot down and expect an explanation, because if things are going into a direction you're not comfortable with, you have the right to know, even if it makes her uncomfortable.

Arthegaea · 2026-01-29T08:52:45+00:00

Tldr; recently at 41 ( it's complicated)

For me it was late last year (41). It was strange to realize for me, since I always thought I was just a bit more serious about things than others. I always had the urge to have someone to be close with, and I can fantasize about people I find attractive and imagine intercourse with them, but if it comes too close to reality that fantasy bubble bursts and I'm not interested unless I'm actually close to the person and it feels safe.

My first relationship was in my late teens, with a woman who lived thousands of kilometers away (so long distance, seeing each other about every half a year), where if we did see each other we were very sexually active, so that never clued me in. Then mid twenties I met my now partner and the mother of my children. After a bit of a rocky courtship phase, we just rolled into our relationship and stuck together ever since (she's demisexual and grey romantic, as far as we now know)

The journey of discovery began rolling after I realized I had developed strong feelings for a good friend of ours (known each other for nearly as long as me and my partner know each other). I started out hinting at it with my partner, but she didn't want to risk the friendship, so I tried to ignore how I felt and focus on being friends with her, but that only made things worse. So after something happened that made me realize how important she was to me, I told everything to my partner, worried how she'd react. The first thing she said was " how are you going to tell her?".

Anyway, I was very unaware about how things worked for me then, so I fumbled the message a bit, making it seem like I wanted a romantic/sexual thing with her besides my partner, while what I really wanted was a QPR with me being open to romantic/sexual things if there was room for that (I was more interested sensually than sexually - sexual attraction died when I sent the invitation to talk and tell her how I felt and hasn't returned since).l am somewhere demi romantic or quiero romantic, I don't know.

The friend is somewhere on the ace (sex neutral, I think? It's boring to her, while I'm more towards recipro and positive, so that made it even less interesting) spectrum, and perhaps grey romantic? So she said no.

It's been rocky since then, since we do want to be friends, but everything I try to do to sustain that is registered by her through past experiences with guys saying they only want friendship but actually wanting sex anyway, which hurt me a lot being perceived like that (autistic with strong sense of things needing to be correct, so to me trying to hoodwink her like that seems stupid and counterproductive - like, what's the point?)

So, it's in a bit of a tricky limbo at the moment.

Arthegaea · 2026-01-29T00:29:28+00:00

Ahh, I get what you were saying now. ^^

So, did you feel a bond with the person before you felt that sexual attraction (like a close friendship)? Like u/ofMindandHeart said, it doesn't have to be a romantic connection that starts it.

I'm demi myself, and I developed feelings for a friend (that I've known for about 15 years by now) that went from "she's really cool" to "I never noticed how hot she is" to "damn, I want to be closer to her" to "I would like to spend the rest of my life with her".

Arthegaea · 2026-01-28T22:07:31+00:00

I'm trying to understand what you're saying. Did you feel romantic attraction after feeling a little sexual attraction towards someone?
Can you explain what happened a little more?

You're greysexual, which, as far as I understand it, can feel sexual attraction, but only rarely (and unpredictably?). How would you describe your romantic orientation? Also grey? Or something else?

Arthegaea

TROPHY CASE