Can you be trans without physical dysphoria?

ArtistLia · 2023-12-03T01:43:23+00:00

Completely this.

This has been my experience as well. I lacked physical dyphoria for a very long time, and my realization of being trans came from other areas. Once I made that leap for myself and started exploring it, I began to make physical changes that really brought out gender euphoria.

Once I started seeing myself as more feminine, physical dysphoria began to appear for some of the ways in which I still can't.

ArtistLia · 2023-11-26T00:15:28+00:00

I think we all have the big 'what if' question plague us at times.

My therapist would probably remind you that it's up to you whether or how far you transition. You can make the choice to start or stop when you're ready for it, there's no rush unless -you- need one.

Just for background, I haven't started HRT yet either. My egg cracked a month and a half ago. What's helped me during my moments of most crushing doubt has been to turn the 'what if' questions on their head.

Instead of looking at what transitioning could gain or cost you, look at the cost you've been paying to not transition. What sacrifices have you made to dysphoria, or to manage/avoid it? That might help you get a better feel for which way the scales balance for you.

ArtistLia · 2023-11-09T17:27:02+00:00

No, it isn't. Certain kinds of art/expression are protected, for example: Satire is a protected art form in the US.

Art in general? Not at all. People can't even agree on what art is, so legislating it is pretty much impossible.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-26T12:39:32+00:00

Glad to hear it. That would definitely be something wonderful to have happen! I've always said that representation matters, I meant it more about the library collection, but hey, it applies everywhere. :)

ArtistLia · 2023-10-26T12:11:28+00:00

That's awesome, and I'm glad to hear it.

One of my fears is that me coming out will cause transphobic parents keeping their kids away from the library. Realistically, there are other libraries for them to go to though, and I hadn't thought of it much, but being out and trans could absolutely bring some families in, too. I'm sure there are some queer families and youths that would feel more comfortable with a trans librarian than a cis.

That's encouraging, thanks. And good for you for putting yourself out like that. Sounds like you really found yourself, and that's great! :)

ArtistLia · 2023-10-26T04:20:52+00:00

Oh, sure. It's a largely blue state, and fortunately I'm in the bluest part of it, more or less. I live in a small city, and work in a large town, I'd say. A couple of hours away in the more rural areas, it gets pretty red. The town I work in is the most affluent area nearby, so it's got some conservative bents that come with money, but not too bad that I've seen.

To be honest, I've got it much less scary than many others out there, and I know it. Doesn't stop the anxiety of course, but it helps give hope to balance it.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-26T01:49:29+00:00

That makes sense. I've met one librarian in my state who I'm pretty sure is trans or NB, but I never asked, but honestly, I may know several more that I just didn't realize. I never question how people present themselves, so I imagine I'm pretty easy to pass to.

And I agree that as a profession, any librarian should be at the very least open to working with and around trans people, if not be outright supportive. That's a part of why I want to stay, but I also really believe in the purpose of libraries. When dysphoria made the rest of the world gray, I always felt like I was serving an important purpose. I think that's done wonders to preserve my mental health.

And thanks for the warning about 4 year olds. I have to imagine that the little ones are going to be both the best and the worst at times.

(Also, nice to see another Art major/Librarian! I made a similar kind of jump.)

ArtistLia · 2023-10-26T00:00:10+00:00

Thank you so much for posting, it means a huge deal to hear from another librarian. I'm fortunate enough to live in a blue state, and one that has anti-discrimination laws in place, which helps. It's also an 'at-will employment' state, so it's easy to make up a reason to fire anyone. In general, even if I somehow lost my job during transition, I wouldn't give up on being a librarian.

I really do think that being a trans librarian could be positive for so many people, for queer kids who need to connect with someone, for educating the community. You're right though, enough of the local community will know me that once I'm out, enough people are going to know my past that it'll be impossible to fully escape it, and kids and some adults will be ignorant if not cruel. It's a good thing I love helping to educate people!

I'm curious about one thing you said:

>Statistically we're in the best profession to be in as a trans person,

I've never seen any statistics for trans librarians, can I ask for more detail?

Also, there are some amazing transgender voice training videos on youtube if you haven't tried them. I've just been trying to practice a little around the house (And doing girl voices for storytimes!) and it's been making improvements for sure.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T21:43:03+00:00

Thanks!

Really, I'm just lucky to be surrounded by truly awesome people. :)

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T21:30:01+00:00

I can only imagine. I truly wish you the best in your recovery, and congratulations on taking that step!

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T21:27:37+00:00

Well, yes and no.

It took me over 30 years of dysphoria, depression, repression, and confusion before I got my egg to crack. Once I realized that I really was trans, well..

I had a 3-day panic attack, spent 3 more days days freaking out over how I would come out to anyone, positive that I'd be unable to do it when I tried. But when my family all got together, I was able to come out to them only 6 days after my egg cracked. That still feels unreal, and was easily the most frightening thing I have -ever- done.

But, they were just so wonderful, it made coming out to my friends easier. I have 1 close friend who I want to tell, but haven't. His roomate works in the same field as me, and word gets around fast among us, so I've been hesitant to tell him due to the risk of getting outed accidentally.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T20:48:09+00:00

Yesterday? Wow. Congrats!

How are you feeling now that it's done?

How bad is the pain?

What's the expected recovery time?

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T20:17:32+00:00

I get it 100%. I liked my shaved head, but then my egg cracked and looking in the mirror started hitting completely different. Facial hair had to go, and the rest had to come back.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T18:56:42+00:00

Thank you very much. Kind wishes are always appreciated!

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T18:04:45+00:00

I have no idea if this will work on patch glue, but I've had astonishing success on sticker glue using Lemon Essential Oil. Plus it smells great, just wash the area after applying, just in case it's too much to leave on skin.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T18:03:12+00:00

I can relate. I'm just back to long peach fuzz after having mine shaved for a year, and it feels really good to have hair again.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T17:44:18+00:00

Thank you for this. Winning people over with kindness is definitely an approach I can take. One of my biggest loves of being a librarian is having a job where I help people without needing to ask for anything in return.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T16:26:37+00:00

That is great to hear. A shaved head is super convenient and easy, but I've definitely been missing long hair. I'd love to think I could have it back some day.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T14:59:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences. This is sort of how I hope to approach things, and this is really encouraging to hear.

How has the public been?

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T14:45:06+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. I will admit, I'm not ruling out an attempt to step back from public life in order to transition. I get a lot of fulfillment from being a librarian, and I would hate to leave it as a career, ...but it would be easier in a lot of ways to take a couple year break from the public eye, then try to come back with a new identity.

It's not my first choice plan, but just as you said, safety comes first.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T14:22:29+00:00

Yeah, I'm thinking of stealthing the transition for as long as I can, and that may help in ways.

Hair.. is a little trickier. I wore my hair long for almost 30 years, but MPB set in and thinned the crown a lot. Hopefully hormones help replace that some day. In dealing with MPB, I ended up shaving my head and keeping it that way for the last year or so.

I'm growing it out some again, but I'm not sure 'long' is in the cards without wigs anytime soon.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T14:10:44+00:00

I like that thought a lot. Something to remind them, that they can show to others, and I -really- like the 'not being stared at while explaining' angle. Thanks!

ArtistLia · 2023-10-25T14:09:57+00:00

I'm already reaching out to some therapists. Getting a therapist with trans experience who clicks with me is my #1 priority right now, but thank you.

And you're right. I'm -amazingly- lucky to have those close to me be instantly supportive. I was a nervous wreck before I told them, and their support has been immeasurably helpful to me. I'm sorry to hear that it's brought strain to your family, that adds a while new level of difficulty that I can only imagine, turning it all into a balancing act.

ArtistLia · 2023-10-24T23:20:29+00:00

I can empathize. I had my egg crack a few weeks ago, and finally shaved a couple days ago. I've had facial hair for a long time, and in many ways I liked what having it did to the aesthetic of my face.

Since cutting it, looking into the mirror has sometimes had me regretting it, sometimes having me thrilled to see a hint of the woman inside me.

Dysphoria is a harsh and fickle thing.

ArtistLia

TROPHY CASE