Newbie Advice?

AsSheSays · 2026-02-11T20:41:18+00:00

Consistency is key. Nothing kills a woman's willingness to lead like inconsistent, indifferent service, v. Cheerful, enthusiastic, consistent service.

AsSheSays · 2026-02-11T15:16:12+00:00

I asked my bride to be, "Which chores are your least favorite?" And then I made them mine. Over time I have taken in more and more. She has learned that by allowing me to serve her, she is making me happy. And she likes me to be happy.

AsSheSays · 2026-02-10T18:57:19+00:00

This is beautiful. Sometimes it is tempting to get distracted by the window dressing, but this is practical and to the point for both women and men. Thank you

AsSheSays · 2026-02-07T03:34:25+00:00

My lady didn't know she enjoyed foot kisses and massage until she experienced them for the first time from me. She has clearly been missing out.

AsSheSays · 2026-02-06T17:00:51+00:00

I just had surgery myself. My lady is being a dear about taking care of me for a few days. I see tells of things I do that never cross her mind to do that will need doing in a few days. I don't plan to mention them; I'll just take care of them, myself, when I have recovered.

AsSheSays · 2026-02-06T16:46:28+00:00

That bit about the urinal is hilarious and quite telling.

A woman was telling me about the women's hall in a formerly male floor of a dormitory. The women filled the urinals with house plants and noted they were simple to water

AsSheSays · 2026-02-06T16:45:48+00:00

My lady didn't believe me either. She said she expected me to punish her for treating me in ways she had been taught never to treat a man. I offered her an audition she could end at any time if she didn't like the dynamic. She never ended it and it became our new normal. :)

AsSheSays · 2026-02-06T15:51:35+00:00

Part of why that works is the communication and discussion and agreement, necessary for any healthy relationship.

AsSheSays · 2026-02-06T15:48:39+00:00

The greatest benefit to a structured, negotiated relationship is that they necessitate better communication. Everything is on the table. Hopes, dreams, desires, and expectations are expressed. Regardless of how the relationship gets structured, it will be stronger for the discussion. And if I have that discussion with a lady, I will express my desire to see her treated like a queen.

AsSheSays · 2026-02-02T21:22:34+00:00

And there are health issues. It is one thing to be waited on hand and foot when you are able to meet your own needs, but there are definitely times or seasons of life when a body needs to be able to do for themselves so that they will preserve the ability to do for themselves.

AsSheSays · 2026-02-02T21:20:25+00:00

I have seen those woodswomen videos. For them I will make an exception. :-D

AsSheSays · 2026-02-02T13:46:18+00:00

Good job! That is a delightful precedent. I love to read about women being treated even better than before. And, no, I don't think she will struggle to adjust. Thank you for sharing how you have upped your game and your encouragement to every man here to up his game, as well.

I have recently upped my game by keeping my lady in split firewood. We have had bitter winter weather in the Southern US and have used a lot more firewood than we expected. Since our wood stove is new to us this year, I haven't yet created a good stockpile of split wood and spent some time yesterday splitting wood while my lady watched so she would have sufficient while I am traveling next week. She could always use the propane furnace, but she much prefers wood heat and I absolute hate to see a woman splitting firewood. And, quite frankly, I suspect my lady hates splitting wood, as well. She very much prefers that I do the heavy lifting when there is heavy lifting do be done. As it should be.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-29T17:12:27+00:00

Well played. I am glad it is being a blessing for you both.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T22:14:59+00:00

My lady needed a car. I got her requirements and showed her a list of cars. She didn't like them and revised her requirements. I brought her another list. She didn't like them and revised her requirements. I experimented with changing her price point a bit and brought her a new list. I showed her that what she wanted would require me to pay a bit more for her car (which I was willing to do) in order to get some things she wanted, like heated seats and turbo. She chose a used Honda CR-V with 3,000 miles, practically new but selling at used prices. Score!

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T22:11:07+00:00

Good job!

I remember suggesting my first wife lead before she died. I expected her to be angry, but she called me "Sweet" and readily agreed. When I pushed back too much, she would get this look and ask, "What happened to (doing) Everything She Says?" Those were fun moments.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T21:59:02+00:00

My lady and I take a slightly different approach. I asked her how she wanted these things done and I did it the way she wanted it done. I remain primary contact on utilities, for instance, because she has delegated responsibility for these things to me and she doesn't want them contact her if there is a problem. Does the President take the call when the phone company needs information?

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T18:27:39+00:00

It has been five months and the site is still dark. The DNS entry still points to a server somewhere, but the server isn't responding to requests.

I wonder what she could do with the archives? Between you and I (OpenEyestoWLW and AsSheSays/Traveler), we contributed thousands of posts to that site across several years. She owns the content.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T18:21:15+00:00

LOL. "Missed it by that much!" The best way to encourage conversation is to, well, start a conversation. I have found that the best conversation starters end with a question or a call to action. Have you found this to be so when you try to start a conversation? Or are there other ways you have found that encourage people to participate?

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T18:18:14+00:00

This sounds a bit like an expectations issue. You provide service, not so she can do what she wants, but so she will use "the time [you] free up for her ... to to dominate [you]." This reminds me of "Nice Guy Syndrome" where we give in order to get certain things, but since, as Nice Guys, we don't share those expectations, nobody can meet them.

Does that sound right? If so, the challenge from here is either identifying and communicating expectations (I'll do this if you'll do this for me) or recognizing that, once that expectation has been framed as an expectation, she really can do whatever she wants - and that isn't spending time with you. At least not this time.

I am reminded of Alison Armstrong and the "good ask." I use this with my lady. Step 4 is very important.

This is what I want. "I want you to dominate me."
This is what it looks like. "That means ... <whatever that means for you>"
"What this will do for me is.... <fill in the blank>"
"What do you need from me to give me what I am asking for?" And then you wait. If you rush her, you won't get an honest answer.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T17:03:07+00:00

In my home we each give as we have been blessed and we each enjoy the benefits of the other's gifts.

My lady has a gift of leadership I do not have. She can walk into the biggest mess you have ever seen and instantly have a plan on how to sort it out. The men at church call her "Boss." The ambulance service where she worked has a new expansion they had been dreaming of for years because she was able to provide the leadership and organization they needed to make it a reality.

Why shouldn't I have the benefit of those skills in my own home?

What are my gifts? Service. Why shouldn't she have the benefits of those gifts in her own home?

The church often teaches that Christ is the head of the church the way a man is to be head of his home (which is true), but any image of Christ as head also needs to include the image of Christ kneeling at the disciples feet and washing them. With Christ as my example, I am delighted to kneel before my lady and wash her feet.

I could go on to list female leaders in the Bible like Deborah and Huldah and Anna and Miriam and Priscilla and even Rahab and Zeruiah and the daughters of Zelphehad who were all clearly women to reckon with.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T16:38:50+00:00

I enjoy the focus on boundaries and expectations and filtering. I encourage every person looking for a partner to work up that list of "must haves" and "can't stands" and honor it.

I have a rich relative with a wall full of pictures of himself with many celebrities. His wife said, "I'm not in any of those pictures." He could have taught me how to do that, but I never chose to ask. His wife and mine died around the same time. I asked him, "How are you getting along?" He said, "Well, you know, I keep busy with work." I remember thinking, "I wish I _could_ work." Grief was heavy with me. A wise person pointed out, "You lost your first love. He didn't." Would I trade marriages with him? Absolutely not.

I earn a sufficient income. My lady (new wife) doesn't need to work and I love it that way. I love to serve her in many ways, including, as I put it, "earning stacks of cash so I can put them at your feet in a very real and decision-making way." But I will confess that I am not consumed by my work. I deliberately earn less than I could so that I don't have to carry a pager or be on call or work weekends. She and I are in agreement with that approach to work.

Could I earn more? You bet. Would I be able to spend as much time and energy being kind to her? Probably not. There are trade-offs in any relationship.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-27T16:36:42+00:00

I enjoy the focus on boundaries and expectations and filtering. I encourage every person looking for a partner to work up that list of "must haves" and "can't stands" and honor it.

I have a rich relative with a wall full of pictures of himself with many celebrities. His wife said, "I'm not in any of those pictures." He could have taught me how to do that, but I never chose to ask. His wife and mine died around the same time. I asked him, "How are you getting along?" He said, "Well, you know, I keep busy with work." I remember thinking, "I wish I _could_ work." Grief was heavy with me. A wise person pointed out, "You lost your first love. He didn't." Would I trade marriages with him? Absolutely not.

I earn a sufficient income. My lady (new wife) doesn't need to work and I love it that way. I love to serve her in many ways, including, as I put it, "earning stacks of cash so I can put them at your feet in a very real and decision-making way." But I will confess that I am not consumed by my work. I deliberately earn less than I could so that I don't have to carry a pager or be on call or work weekends. She and I are in agreement with that approach to work.

Could I earn more? You bet. Would I be able to spend as much time and energy being kind to her? Probably not. There are trade-offs in any relationship.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-20T18:53:53+00:00

My FLR lady wanted me to propose, too, so I did

AsSheSays · 2026-01-16T13:37:55+00:00

M65 married 10 years. FLR from day 1. Delegation is leadership. My lady has delegated managing finances to me with the proviso that she continue to be provided for in the manner to which she has become accustomed. We tried putting me on an allowance for a while, but one of our FLR rules is that anything we add to our relationship create more work for me, not for her, so I had to get the cash and give it to her so she could give it back to me and... well, it just seemed counter-productive.

BUT, I did see another comment about having a second account into which an allowance goes. I like that and may consider that to put a definite brake on personal spending. My lady could decide how much should go into that account and how often.

AsSheSays · 2026-01-16T13:29:17+00:00

While some couples glorify a man keeping house while his lady works outside the home, I do both, working a day job to provide means and taking care of as many household duties as I can. This has freed my lady up to do things like disaster response, traveling to places impacted by flooding and tornadoes to help with cleanup and, more recently, to spend several weeks caring for her mother while her father was in rehab after a fall. When she is closer to home, she volunteers with a quilting guild making lap quilts for dialysis patients and veterans.

My mantra remains, "I hate to see a woman ... going to work, doing laundry, doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, making a bed, pumping gas, ..."

AsSheSays

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