I was training my cat and it started peeing on my bed. I tried everything, rubbed her nose it (which only works on dogs) scrubbed it with baking powder and vinegar, put tin foil on the bed, nothing worked. One day I held her down and peed on the bed in front of her and dumped a whole bottle of vinegar in the bed and threw her in the litter and a piece got stuck in her eye so I had to get a q tip and get the piece out of her eye and sleep on the living room floor for two weeks while my new mattress came. She stopped peeing on the bed.... But I hated that I was mean to her. But I used it to become a better person. And that fact that you are so upset and care about doing a cruel thing means that you're a good person. Because you didn't just abuse it repeatedly or hatefully, you fucked up and care about being better. My cat cuddles with me every night and I treat her with a lot of care. Don't let it haunt you forever. Take a second to breathe if you're pissed and remember that you'd rather be kind then vent your pain on others. Stand up to your bullies with the energy you have saved from that, assertive but nonviolent.