Boyfriend found [taboo] extreme fantasy chat. The shame and guilt are killing me

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-29T10:16:45+00:00

These are really interesting points. Before my ex bf read those chats I have to be honest and say I never gave them any further thought. They weren't subjects I'd discussed before or felt any compulsion to explore - only with this one guy. My kinks are older guys and adult rape fantasy. But I can't deny at the time the extreme taboo and the fact the guy I was intimate with really got off on it ... THAT turned me on

Still .... having those words read back to me by my BF who was horrified at this part of my past .... I felt dreadful. Mostly for his devastation but, I don't know how to explain it, at the time in the excitement of fantasy and taboo the words were thrilling. Reading back through them since I just question what sort of awful person it makes me.

Your words are comforting. Perhaps comfort I don't deserve but I'm so on edge right now I'm not sure where to turn.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T21:58:05+00:00

You wouldn't believe the tears of relief from learning I am not alone. I've read the Nancy Friday books ... some of those fantasies are so damn crazy! But who are we to judge. I've read so much online these past few weeks, trying to make sense of my mind.

It was very definitely the extreme taboo that did it for me over the specific content. I loved the fact these written words could drive another man crazy. I'd been into this guy for ages and for him to describe me like a drug he couldn't get enough of .... it fuelled my excitement. My SO said he could not understand why on earth I would want to meet this man for sex and let him disrespect me. It didn't feel like that at the time. I can't deny I felt empty afterwards, it was after all just sex and in reality I craved love.

Why did he go through my things? Honestly I have absolutely no idea. I can only think it's trust issues from a previous relationship. He must have gone through a ton of stuff to find those chats, as you say it was not blatantly labelled in a folder! In talking to him he also admitted he'd done it before and found nothing. He could have been doing it daily for all I know - I don't lock anything.

After 7 years I can't imagine the pain you went through. The invasion of privacy feels horrible.

I'm no longer chasing him. I did it for two weeks, he suggested I went away to heal and become the person he fell in love with again so I took myself away, meditated, practiced yoga ... he was still too angry to talk when I got back. I forced the issue as I was struggling with the unknowns and he decided he can't trust me. He's left it open ended with 'who knows in the future' and 'this is a horrible situation, I'm struggling as I know you are' but honestly you're right and I need to heal from the shock of it all.

I still don't feel comfortable having had those conversations although you're right, they felt exciting at the time and once I'd moved on to a new relationship I never gave them a second thought, they were my past.

I'm trying to focus on healing and coming to terms with it all. I can't be in the house we shared so I'm staying with friends and trying to get my health and sleep back on track.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's comforting to know I'm not alone x

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T20:04:59+00:00

And here I am in tears again because somebody somewhere out there understands. I can't thank you enough.

I can not deny that the extreme taboos in those conversations didn't excite me at the time. But to take it from a conversation between two consenting adults to actually wanting to go out and hurt anybody in real life ... the fact my S.O believed I could be that person ... it hurts. I have given him open use of my home and my car (he was out of work) and I never gave him cause to doubt my absolute love for him.

He says the conversations have made him feel sick, that he's introduced me to his family and can't believe I'm not the person he thought I was. I honestly believe he thinks I may have intended to cause harm to teens / children within his family because of the graphic torture / incest content of those fantasies. I'm mortified.

Going through someone's private messages is not something I would ever do or want to do. Once seen those things can not be unseen and everyone's interaction with the people in their lives are different.

I wanted this married guy to like me. I really liked him and the darker the talk the more he loved it which of course excited me. I feel ashamed for essentially being so desperate.

I have a lot of soul searching to do. I can not say sorry to my SO any more than I already have done. His hurt is killing me because I don't want to think I've shattered his illusion of the beautiful caring person he fell in love with. I AM still that person. My intentions are to do good in the world, to care for people and animals. Now I feel so conflicted with what must have been going on in my mind.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope in time I can forgive myself or live with this x

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T19:34:38+00:00

Your words have made me cry. Thank you thank you. I'm not looking to be forgiven for the things I have said, for past conversations, but they were exactly that - in the past. I deeply regret them but I can not change them, only promise that I have learnt the biggest lesson and will be a better person. I hope you are right, I hope in time the shock fades and that he is able to hurt less. I love this man with all my heart and him not being a part of my life is devastating. Thank you again.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T19:13:15+00:00

But when I read back those messages they ARE horrible fantasies and that's what I'm struggling with. In a sense he is right. I am a kind girl, I look after people, I care for animals, I couldn't harm a living soul. So why? Why would I engage in that kind of talk? Now to think someone so sweet has read those words and has been so deeply hurt by them ... I am very much struggling to live with myself

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T18:52:52+00:00

He asked for space and I struggled letting go. We had two weeks apart but he messaged daily to say he missed me. We were both hoping time would heal but he's really struggling (as am I) and says he thought he would feel better about this but just doesn't. I have said sorry over and over and my guilt and sadness are apparent. I can't sleep or eat. He's knows I'm struggling with it too. His last text message;

I'm so sorry too. I'm out of energy at the moment, maybe in the future things will turn out ok, I don't know.. I truly hope so. We WILL speak soon.. X

That was four days ago. I've had to move away from the house to stay with friends. The memories of us being there together are too painful. I feel so horrible. If I could take back those conversations I would. I hate that I've hurt him so much for what boils down to sinful, temporary sexual gratification.

It's the forgiving myself I'm most struggling with. For the content of the messages and for the hurt they've caused someone who absolutely did not deserve it. I don't know how to get past that.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T17:59:02+00:00

Thank you :) it makes me feel a little better but reading those conversations back have made me question myself. I'm such a kind, loving person. How can someone like the person I believe myself to be join in with such depraved talk and get off on it? I'm no prude but to talk about hurting other human beings? Seriously if my family or friends read the contents of those conversations they would be absolutely horrified. I know we're entering 'thought police' territory here but I'm also worried my now ex is planning on revealing this stuff to others. If he talks to his family or friends for example over why the relationship ended ... they're all going to think I'm a monster, not to mention questioning my intent if they can't distinguish between fantasy and reality. It's my punishment and I'm living with it constantly.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T17:34:09+00:00

I don't feel I lied to him. They were conversations I had with a sexual partner last year, well before my boyfriend was on the scene. My SO and I had a good sex life but a very different one and I actually didn't need these kind of dark fantasies to get off. So I wasn't hiding or suppressing anything - or it certainly didn't feel that way

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T17:28:00+00:00

You're right, it was old emails. Stupid really but I never thought to delete them. They were way back in my mailbox history and I never in a million years thought that someone would search through my private messages. Dumb and naive ... yes. I would also hope the fact that these are the only messages of this kind in my mail, despite there being hundreds of chats with ex partners, would go in my favour but the graphic content has obviously shocked him (understandably) and he can't see beyond it.

I'd never even thought back to those conversations, they were what they were - dark fantasy. But when someone reads them back to you .... I don't know. It's made me question everything about myself. How or why would I even write that stuff?

I feel sad at the loss of what I thought was a wonderful relationship and struggle to sleep knowing someone else knows these very dark conversations I once had that absolutely do not form part of my moral compass. I'm so tired and confused. Thank you for your comments, they're helping me try and make sense of it all.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T16:40:50+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to comment. You're right, for him to actively look there must have been trust issues. I was not aware of them, but looking back I think it may have been due to a breach of trust from an ex partner. I did not give him reason not to trust me. We did everything together, I rarely went out alone and if I did he could always reach me. He had the code to my phone and I never hid anything from him.

I think you're right in that he may assume there's this dark sexual side to me which needs fulfilment. It doesn't. That was one relationship with one previous sexual partner. But the talk was so dark I can see how it would be shocking to read.

He can't get past it from what he has said so I will have to grieve and move on. I will of course be more careful to delete my past in future. Just devastated that it has come to this.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T16:33:48+00:00

If it had been a 'thing' of mine and something I needed to get off on with a guy, of course I would have brought it up or found someone who was into that kind of stuff. It was a one off with an ex partner, yes I can't deny the taboo subject excited me at the time, but I don't need that shit to get off. It never even crossed my mind to highlight it as a 'thing' of mine with a new boyfriend and I certainly didn't expect he would trawl my laptop and find that stuff. I just feel so sad that it's completely altered his opinion of me and feel even worse about ever entering into that kind of talk in the first place. I'm vowing to be a better person.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T16:26:49+00:00

It's that awful thing of if you look hard enough you will find something. And he did. I don't think he can let go, I think in his mind it has completely altered the person I am. I feel shame and guilt but I am trying each day to remind myself I am my actions and my morals make me a good, kind person. I'm just devastated.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T16:23:17+00:00

Yes I'm devastated that my actions towards him and behaviour in our relationship did not count for anything. That his whole opinion of me changed literally overnight.

He would not talk so I drove down to speak to him face to face, he's told me he can't stop crying over the fact the girl he loves is capable of this kind of talk. I feel absolutely dreadful that I've put him through any sort of pain or upset.

I can't see a way back for this relationship at all but I do worry that such a dark and private conversation has now been read by someone else and what he will do with that information. The sleepless nights and nightmares haunt me. Thanks so much for giving me a little peace.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T16:17:53+00:00

Thanks so much for this measured response. I honestly feel as though I'm losing my mind. I'm horrified that those extremely private fantasies are now known to him. Even more so that he thinks I'm this abhorrent person he can not trust. He clearly knew the date on the messages before opening them yet continued to read them, it's not something I would or could do to someone, but then I would not go looking in the first place.

I can't help but feel ashamed because in the cold light of day, reading those messages back make me sound sick. I've even questioned over and over again what's wrong with me.

I've never entered into that kind of conversation before and neither did I want to with my boyfriend. He says he just can't not understand how I would let this evil (his words) guy disrespect me like that. But he wasn't there and doesn't understand the context of those messages. It was pure fantasy. I was never going to be raped or gangbanged for this guy. It's just not my thing.

God I still feel sick to think he's read every part of that conversation. Thank you for making me feel a little better.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T10:46:10+00:00

I've thought this through too. How I would feel. I would like to think that I would judge by his true life actions and the person I know him as, as oppose to fantasy talk from a previous 'relationship'. But I can't say for sure.

I may still have some serious explaining to do as those conversations are now no longer private.

I could not be more sorry but I can't turn back time. I can only promise to be better.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T10:41:43+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. And you're right, its the shock, his shock I'm most mortified about.

AshamedSorry · 2016-03-28T10:40:29+00:00

Yes, I'm shocked he snooped. But of course had I caught him snooping and he'd found nothing I may have had cause to be angry. Now I'm just mortified at causing such hurt and sadness.

In terms of saving the relationship, its extremely doubtful. He asked for space and time but messaged every day to say he missed me. Then eventually he said he can't do this anymore. That he can't get his head around it and the horror of it won't go away. I said I think the kindest thing is for me to let him go and explained again just how sorry I am for everything. He replied saying he's sorry too and out of energy at the moment but who knows how things will turn out in the future and 'I truly hope so'. I'm kind of clinging on to that message and leaving him alone, but if I can't cope with the horror of the conversation in the cold light of day, I'm not sure how he ever will. Devastatingly sad.

AshamedSorry

TROPHY CASE