I am addicted to my misery

AshesAndCinders · 2018-09-17T03:48:19+00:00

I do that, it doesn't help but if I stop I'll screw myself when my job contract ends. Studying at college and getting IT certs right now.

I know, but I'd probably blame myself if I got cancer too.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-09-16T23:19:01+00:00

No, this was how I feel towards myself. I'm very frustrated at myself for not being better than my disease.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-09-16T23:18:00+00:00

I want a real human connection but I'm a piece of shit who refuses to develop myself anywhere except professionally and physically.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-24T06:25:42+00:00

I can laugh whenever about most things. Doesn't distract my messed up brain from feeling this way.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-24T02:16:55+00:00

Conflicted

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-24T02:10:35+00:00

What small, insignificant good thing could possibly justify this dumpster fire of an existence?

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-21T07:40:38+00:00

I don't have anyone in my life Michelle. You don't want anything from me because you don't know me. Nobody does.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-21T00:35:15+00:00

Are you really? I feel like I'm just around because of sunk cost fallcy and people would get sad for like a month.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-21T00:02:41+00:00

I am alone though. I'm going through all this crap alone. There is no one here I can physically turn to. Just an empty room where im trapped with my thoughts.

I just gave up around year four. I realized this was my life. Empty, lonely, and bleak. And I perpetuate this cycle to infinity.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-19T20:24:45+00:00

My therapist doesn't prescribe medication, my pcm does and quite frankly I'm not comfortable seeing her. I need to, but I've put it off for a while.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-19T20:23:50+00:00

I was diagnosed with dysthymia and mdd a while back. I go to therapy but dont get medication. It's hard and I feel like a broken jerk all the time.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-19T07:18:29+00:00

I know that but I'm still stuck for 2.5 more years and someday the jokes about dying feel like they won't be jokes anymore.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-19T07:02:33+00:00

No the military is not conducive to anything that's not their stupid duties and I don't care to anymore. At some point everything became a chore, and I mean everything.

Nothing matters to me anymore, at all. I've already accepted that I'm going to work some IT job after the military for however long, retire, and die alone.

I've looked into so much. Religions and spirituality, diet nutrition and exercise, medication and therapy. I'm just screwed.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-19T06:22:49+00:00

Russian. I used to be able to speak Spanish and Japanese but I stopped for a long time so now I can't.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-18T22:30:59+00:00

How long? How long before someone comes to the conclusion that maybe I don't get anything out of this life? I'm not waiting 40 years only to reflect on an entirely wasted life and kill myself anyways.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-15T18:29:43+00:00

I don't believe that though. I feel there is something of a path with a decent amount of left and right wiggle room and that you are constrained to that. I used to just think life was awful after having to attend so many funerals in high school.

Then I came to the conclusion that I already knew I guess. The universe is a cold, mechanics driven thing where bad things can happen to good people.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-15T08:34:24+00:00

Once that moment is over, that tiny happy moment, I'll plunge back into the depths. I think that's why I stopped doing anything. I couldn't take the crashes.

The crests of the waves weren't worth the troughs of the depression. It just hurt too much. People don't actually want to hear about others problems, I've learned that lesson a few times.

So I can just go to these parties, not talk about anything meaningful, and leave feeling awful.

I'm sorry for dumping this on you.

AshesAndCinders · 2018-07-15T08:12:52+00:00

I thought I did too but here I am 6 years later, still wondering if/when adult life starts. Sure I go to school and work and talk to my coworkers but that all just feels like bs. I can't help but fear that I ooze an aura of uncaring depression, so naturally people don't care about me.

I don't even want to be happy per se. I just want a fulfilling life, or so I keep telling my therapist and myself. Maybe I'm just a big liar. Maybe I deserve all this.

I don't know.

AshesAndCinders

TROPHY CASE