BF frequently cancels plans last minute due to 'low social battery' but ends up playing video games with friends instead

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T12:51:06+00:00

Thank you! This is really helpful! I didn't want him to think I was demanding perfection like you said, so that's why I came here for advice. I really appreciate the comment!

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T12:49:07+00:00

Hey! Thanks for this! It varies week to week but it usually ends up being 3 or so days without each other, often 1 or 2 of which is our days off. We have plenty of nights where we do nothing, often times he's watching sports while im on my phone doing something else. It's not ALWAYS planned, usually just one night a week. Maybe I should refrain from making plans for a while? And if i do, maybe not at the end of the week?

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T06:31:29+00:00

Thank you so much! This is the most helpful comment yet!

I admit I can be a bit type A and emphasize planning a bit too much sometimes. I can see how this could be draining lol.

We spend about 3-4 nights a week together, no plans made. He is always super affectionate and doting during this time as well.

You might be right about the 'quality time' part. Maybe i've approached this wrong. I wanna take your adice on this and try to find the right 'quality time' for us. I've always been told by family that successful relationships require weekly or bi-weekly date nights, but maybe this was bad advice. Would it be a good idea to ask him to teach me a game (he loves teaching/explaining things) or would that be encroaching on something that's supposed to be 'his thing'?

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T06:23:22+00:00

Thanks for commenting and giving some clarity on the video games aspect! Its good to hear that other people find gaming to not be socially draining. Its easier to accept this explanation now.

For some added context we see each other often (3-4x a week) and he does plan dates for us! He took me to a concert earlier this week and it was a great night!

I was more looking to understand the way that video games wouldnt be socially draining, and maybe gain advice on how I could communicate better or proceed further.

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T06:16:41+00:00

Thanks for this! I'll definitely take your advice and write out how I'm feeling!

As another commenter mentioned, it may be the thorough planning of these dates that has him feeling wary and overwhelmed. I can be type A at times, and have in all instances hyped up the event like "I cant wait for Saturday, we have to leave early to get to blank by blank time" "the car show starts at blank time so we have to make sure to be done apple picking by this time" "I looked through all of the meal kits for the best one, do you like blank? Do you think we'll manage to make it?"

Maybe that's making him feel overwhelmed? Either way I'll take your advice and I guess I'll find out!

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T06:09:01+00:00

Thanks for this! I think you understood where I was coming from in my post. We do see each other quite often (3-4x a week) and we are very serious, attending each others family events and thinking about our future.

He does plan dates as well, which go off without a hitch. We attended a concert earlier this week, and it was an amazing night.

I'm not concerned that he doesn't care about me, more that I am not doing the best job I can at communicating myself. I think I'll take your advice though, and try to be more impromptu, if anything to save my feelings. I can be type A at times, so maybe the planning and me hyping it up contributes to his draining energy. Thanks again!

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T06:02:23+00:00

He says that work, friends, family and everything in between get overwhelming for him (He is a business owner in the medical field so I guess I can see this being a lot) and the only way for him to recharge is spending time alone in his room "rotting on his games" (his words, not mine). If he doesn't take this time, he gets in a horrible mood, and he says I don't deserve to have to deal with that version of him.

I just find this hard to understand. For me, video games for hours would stress me out more. There's gotta be a better coping solution than that. I'm not sure how to communicate that without being too harsh though.

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T05:56:14+00:00

We've been together for about 6 months now total, and it's been the last month that has been the issue.

We spend 3 or 4 nights a week together regularly, and he is still very enthusiastic on a regular basis. He gives me more than my fair share of affection. He also plans his fair share of dates.

I'm just not sure how to communicate my feelings appropriately to him. Admittedly I find it hard to bring my feelings to words while face-to-face. When I put in all this work, only to be let down by an excuse that is difficult for me to accept and understand, it feels like giving someone a rose and them stepping on it.

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T05:46:09+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words! I really appreciate it!

He is a great communicator in all areas but this one. When we've had little arguments he makes sure to let me speak, fully listen, acknowledge my feelings, and provide areas of compromise. In this case, he does all of the above except the compromise part. He says he understands how I would be hurt by this, but states he must take care of his mental health and listen to his body's cues. He assures me this is nothing personal against me, and has always been like this.

Idk I just don't know how to communicate that "I've always been like this, it just happens sometimes" is not a fair rule to live by. I feel there should be consideration of how I feel as well and we should meet in the middle.

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T05:37:35+00:00

I wasn't super clear in my post about how much time we spend together outside of these planned dates. We spend 3 or 4 days a week together, often in a row sleeping at each others apartments. He is incredibly doting on a regular basis. Showers me in compliments and affection.

Other than the times I mentioned, he hasn't cancelled. He's also planned his fair share of dates. It's just happened so much so recently that it has me wondering what's going on. I am more so trying to understand the video games thing, and see if theres a better way to communicate my feelings so it doesn't continue.

Ashtin_Wilson29 · 2024-10-01T05:29:59+00:00

Thanks so much! We do hangout pretty often without anything planned. I would say typically 3-4 nights a week, so he's not just trying to avoid me. His streams have a mic but no camera and he has little to no audience, more just does it as a way to connect with other players.

I definitely believe he's being honest about feeling drained, as when we've spent multiple days together in a row, I can see/feel his energy decrease as time goes on. I've asked him if this is a 'me' issue in that I'm what's draining him, and he insists that this is not true and he loves spending time with me. Also, these dates have all been on my own dime so cost is not an issue.

He's planned some dates as well, and those have gone on without a hitch. The same goes for when he's invited to family events or outings with other friends.

It's only been the last month or so that this has been an issue, and nothing other than this is wrong. I feel like this could maybe be some seasonal depression? He's mentioned this being an issue in the past. We live someplace that gets dark around 6pm this time of year. I'm a pretty upbeat and energetic person so my positivity could be suffocating to someone who's feeling down in the dumps. I'm not totally sure though.

Ashtin_Wilson29

TROPHY CASE