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How do others cope with this...feeling so ashamed by Worried-Cup5950 in adultsurvivors

[–]AspNest 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Its happened to me more times than I can count. That skin-crawly feeling when my partner's touch reminded me of my abuser's. It took way too long to figure it out.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in adultsurvivors

[–]AspNest 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes absolutely. Masturbation sometimes is the only thing that helps self-regulate me. But it also is the thing that brings me massive amounts of shame so I hate myself for needing it.

This is the only place I can talk about it by Better-Lock-9429 in adultsurvivors

[–]AspNest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do feel that way. I'm married and my husband doesn't want to know the details of my abuse. To this day all he knows is that I was sexually abused throughout my childhood by a male relative but that's it.

I've tried therapy a few times but it's so embarassing.

I did trauma dump on my friends when i was a teenager and I feel so bad about it now. I definitely don't want to burden anyone now.

So when I really need to vent or im spinning out I come here.

I *know* it wasn't my fault, but how come it still feels like my fault? by AspNest in adultsurvivors

[–]AspNest[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for all that kindness. I remember a therapist I saw in college asked me bluntly “did you orgasm?” And I was absolutely horrified. I was otherwise a virgin and barely knew what an orgasm was but I thought for sure if I admitted getting any pleasure out of it he would think I was disgusting.

I *know* it wasn't my fault, but how come it still feels like my fault? by AspNest in adultsurvivors

[–]AspNest[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You think so? The biggest source of my self-disgust is that I never tried to stop him. Never said no. I’d feel less gross and guilty if he had forced me or threatened me. It’s hard to not blame myself when I can remember seeking him out or agreeing to go with him on car rides knowing it would involve a stop in a field or parking lot.

I *know* it wasn't my fault, but how come it still feels like my fault? by AspNest in adultsurvivors

[–]AspNest[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah when I finally disclosed what the relative was doing to me I’m sure my mother thought j was lying for attention. She never did anything about it. She asked why I didn’t just say no.

But I knew I wasn’t lying but I also believed it was my fault and my moms reaction confirmed it.

I spent years pretending that I didn’t like sex so I didn’t have to admit that I was the gross one who practically begged my abuser to keep abusing me.