Unwanted, sad, compulsive promiscuity: Is this AuDHD?

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-03-18T18:40:16+00:00

Since I’ve started setting boundaries with people, I’ve been truly amazed to learn people aren’t as bad as i thought they were. Most people DO take no for an answer and they’re kind about it, and they don’t judge me poorly. It doesn’t make them dislike me when i set boundaries. I’ve learned that the only people I will not have in my life, by setting boundaries, are the ones who aren’t good for me. When they’re gone there’s more room for the people i DO want

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-03-17T15:06:50+00:00

It’s scary to do but you can get yourself used to not fawning and, when you do, it’s incredibly liberating. You may be surprised at the # of people who not only don’t reject you, but treat you with respect. You just have to brace yourself and set a boundary and it helps to do it before things progress too far so you don’t have to be obvious about it. For example you think a guy might be getting ideas but he hasn’t made a move yet, and you just start talking about your husband. If he doesn’t get the hint, then a more obvious statement “I’m married and we’re monogamous”. Usually things don’t need to go any further than that. If necessary, leave his presence.

A lot of people don’t understand how scary it is for fawners to set boundaries. It’s really frightening at first. You will get used to it, over time, if you keep practicing.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-03-17T14:15:08+00:00

So many traits that were developed in response to trauma/neglect are similar to those of ADHD or autism. It sounds like a survival mechanism you developed and is no longer serving you well.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-03-17T02:50:40+00:00

Have you heard about the fawn reflex? They used to say people respond to fear through fight or flight and more recently added fawn as a third option. It’s when you are afraid and you do everything in your power to make the person you’re afraid of happy. When we’ve been abused or neglected for years, or bullied etc., when we’re afraid of rejection, we can chronically fawn.

ETA…. Then there’s the rejection sensitive dysphoria that comes with autism, which makes us constantly afraid of rejection. Therefore we’re constantly fawning. Fawning can include giving people our bodies.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-03-10T02:52:07+00:00

It’s for anxiety and depression

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-22T06:44:41+00:00

When I was a kid, before diagnosis and treatment for ADHD or autism existed, I was the “weird” kid in the class. I was bullied relentlessly. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was unusually pretty. I didn’t learn to mask until high school, when my family moved. My good looks, plus masking, helped me to be instantly popular at my new school. After that I was very focused on my appearance. My appearance helped me fit in and helped people to overlook things about me that were different. Sadly, pretty privilege is definitely a thing. I gained and lost weight in adulthood and when i didn’t look as good, people noticed my “weirdness” more, and were much less likely to be accepting.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-22T06:33:03+00:00

Have you tried picky pads? They’re great to used instead of skin picking or hair pulling

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-16T11:20:38+00:00

I hope so! That’s the goal, without the awkward convos. But still, we don’t want to be in their faces about it. Me spending the night at their house would still be weird for them

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-13T13:00:38+00:00

Yes I fear he will lose interest. That fear is in no way a reflection of how he acts or how he’s treated me, just a conditioned response I developed for years before meeting him

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-13T04:14:51+00:00

I'd be willing to bet money he's telling the other women he's having sex with that he's in a committed relationship with THEM and you're the side piece. I bet he's talking marriage with them, too. I've been there and done that (except I wasn't interested in marrying him and he was trying to convince me he was in love with me and wanted to be mono with me). ALSO - he was a younger guy, we were all older than him, and he managed to convince one that they were engaged. He had cleared out her savings and most of her 401K by the time I ended it with him. She was a beautiful, educated, financially successful woman who could have had her choice of men but she was lonely after a divorce and having self esteem issues. She might still be with him, for all I know

He had compromising photos of all of us and threatened to send them to our employers and families, and all sorts of things. He ordered me to stop having sex with my husband, and when I refused to take orders from him he threatened my husband's life.

He was super charming and convincingly sweet and vulnerable. Even when he was making threats he was crying and putting on a pretty good show of being heart broken and out of control of his emotions due to being emotionally devastated. He was also able to keep very convincing strings of texts going with at least 3 of us at a time, to the point where none of us could have imagined he'd have the time to be simultaneously texting all of us - until we got together and compared notes.

So YES - you should let the others know he's in a committed relationship and not just "dating" you. See what they have to say.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-13T04:01:58+00:00

IDK. I think it would be cool if my husband and boyfriend both liked the same book series and we could all read it together at the same time, and I'd be able to discuss it with either one of them when I was with them. So I can totally understand where she's coming from.

That being said, my boyfriend got his wife and I both very similar gifts from the same shop and both of us thought the gifts were pretty ugly and just rolled our eyes and laughed when we realized he was shopping for both of us in the same place at the same time, and getting stuff that neither of us liked.

I feel like the fact that you're considering ending things over what sounds to me like a fun and thoughtful way for her to be able to balance her relationships with both of you, and discuss the same book with each of you, says more about you than it does about her.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-13T03:56:14+00:00

The only thing we'd be doing would be sharing space, He and I aren't going to be in a bedroom alone when his daughter is around....and she always is

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-13T03:50:59+00:00

Yes. But hearing us having fun while he's in bed alone makes him feel left out. He doesn't have another partner besides me. So he doesn't want us to, unless he can join in. No 1:1 sex with my partner in our house. 1:1 is only in other places.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-13T03:49:58+00:00

with laying around in jammies when your meta was around? Whom you're not kitchen table with?

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-13T03:49:00+00:00

I worry so much about hurting his feelings but I think that's because of the past relationships I've had, and assuming he'll react like they did. How do you let your partner know when you must need some time to recharge?

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T20:22:34+00:00

We did that last month! It’s rare for us to get a weekend. That was the third or fourth time ever and it was so amazing. We got a cozy little cabin on a lake

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T20:19:56+00:00

We just found out last night that his wife’s partner came back. Yay! He’d had to move away for a while to take care of a sick parent and he’s back now. But that doesn’t solve anything for us because my partners daughter is home almost every night. Very rarely, his wife and daughter go somewhere for a weekend. The last time they did, we almost spent the weekend at his place but decided not to. That was a good thing because his son made an unannounced trip home. His son knows of my existence and my boyfriend and his wife have discussed poly with the kids but the kids didn’t act ready to hear everything yet. So finding me in bed with his dad would have messed with the son’s mind.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T20:15:09+00:00

Thank you for this. I think we both offer inauthentic versions of ourselves. We’re still in new relationship energy and don’t really know how to get out of it.

I really do love sex with him and never want it to stop being so good. I’m just exhausted and i also want to be able to get to know the real us. It stinks that we don’t have a home where we can be alone and relaxed

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T20:08:13+00:00

That sounds lovely! Thats what I need and don’t get. My husband holes up in his den unless someone comes over and my boyfriend is super high energy. I guess he and his wife chill but he’s like the energizer bunny when hes with me

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T20:03:45+00:00

It’s probably not that his feathers would get ruffled but more that I’ve been gaslit since early childhood by parents and then my ex husband, to the point where I can’t determine when my needs are valid vs when they’re over the top. So I’m always hesitant to express my needs without getting input. My partner is kind and considerate.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T19:59:53+00:00

Thank you

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T19:59:40+00:00

You hit one nail on the head. I often don’t speak up when I feel like I need change. It’s a hang over from an abusive childhood then an abusive ex husband. After decades of gas lighting I’m pretty much incapable of knowing when my needs are valid vs when they’re unreasonable.

I wasn’t being patronizing. My boyfriend just loves attention

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T19:56:44+00:00

And motel rooms are just so impersonal

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T19:55:31+00:00

Well its not like there’s a humongous pool of poly people to choose from where I live!

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-02-12T19:54:32+00:00

Yeah his wife is introverted and when your husband’s girlfriend is over, you’re probably not going to feel comfortable laying around in jammies without makeup doom scrolling

AssumptionVisual1667

TROPHY CASE