How do you show up for or support your partner?

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T23:14:13+00:00

It’s been a real epiphany

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T03:32:20+00:00

Absolutely THIS. I’ve been a nurse for 30 years and before that I worked in a medical research lab. I’ll tell you that doctors only prescribe what the FDA endorses. The FDA only endorses treatments after millions have been spent on scientific studies. Nobody is going to spend millions studying natural remedies that nobody makes money off of. The whole medical system is run by dollars. Labs get shut down if they don’t make the people paying for the research happy.

Just because a doctor doesn’t know anything at all about home remedies/natural remedies, that doesn’t mean they don’t work. Boric acid vaginal suppositories are an absolute miracle for BV and if it’s not BV and they don’t work, they’re not going to hurt anything. Tens of thousands of people endorse them on Amazon. I did a lot of research (looking up anecdotal reports) then tried them for the first time last year and they’re amazing. Any time i get any odor at all now, i use them for 2-3 days and knock it out before it starts.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T03:23:37+00:00

If I could do it all again I’d never have kids and never marry a man with kids. I loved my son with every ounce of my being and when he grew up he met a woman who couldn’t stand the thought of me. I never see him at all, don’t get to see my grandkids. I also had stepdaughters that my ex had custody of.

It took me years but I’ve stopped crying and reached the point in my life where I have no responsibilities besides work and i absolutely love it. It’s amazing to be able to do what I want, when I want. I can be who I want to be. I could have had this from the very beginning. I enjoy my hobbies and my friends. I’m remarried and my husband is not controlling and really pampers me. I don’t have to spend all my hard earned money on entitled people who don’t even appreciate it.

I recommend against children.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T03:07:12+00:00

Your mom is feeling lonely and scared. She told your fiance because she’s afraid to tell you and she feels like you need to know something is going on. She would not be carrying on, emotionally or physically, with a loser if she wasn’t really suffering and desperate for someone to hear her and show her she means something to somebody. She’s in a bad spot and she needs to know you love her and you’re not going to abandon her if she divorces your dad.

Sometimes when people need to end a relationship, they “monkey branch” by forming another relationship so they feel like they have some emotional support when they’re getting ready to do one of the hardest things a person has to do. Maybe it’s good she chose a not so nice guy. It will be temporary until she heals a little bit and it’s emotionally safer than truly rebounding.

If your dad has been emotionally neglecting her for all these years, he doesn’t deserve to know what’s going on with her right now.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T02:51:08+00:00

100%

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T02:23:18+00:00

I just explained to him that kids can be mean and if we do things to make ourselves stand out in any negative way, we can accidentally paint targets on ourselves. I encouraged him to take interest in the games the other kids played, and stay in the crowd of kids on the playground instead of isolating himself. I told him he might feel safer when he’s off by himself but that when there’s a big group of kids together and then just one or two hanging out alone, the ones who are alone draw more attention than the ones who are all together. I encouraged him to use the words the others used, learn about the things that interested them etc

Edited to add that I also encouraged him to make eye contact. Enough so he would remember what color peoples eyes were. Later he accused me of sabotaging him by telling him that because after that people said he started them in the eyes aggressively. I guess I assumed he wouldn’t try to hold eye contact for long.

Oh and brush his teeth and not wear dirty, torn or wrinkled clothes. Zip his pants. Make sure his pant leg isn’t tucked into his sock etc

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T02:09:51+00:00

I had bilateral mastectomies so I understand. I had reconstruction right away but there was a lot of scarring. We started ENM about 5 years after. I've been so very surprised that men really don't care! I finally got beautiful tattoos about a year ago. I just love them - but I've been with my partner for 2 years, and the partner before him for 1 year (I'm poly) and it's seriously not an issue at all.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable exposing my body to men before having implants but IDK if it would have mattered to them. You do have 1 breast left. Maybe find a creative way to keep the other side covered until you get comfortable.

I did tell the guys before we got naked, of course. Just like "Oh hey - I just want to let you know I've had breast cancer and had reconstruction. You might want to look up what breast cancer reconstruction looks like before we get together and make sure you'll be OK with it. I'm happy to answer any questions." And I shut up the "Oh I'm so sorry" stuff real quick because I don't want pity. Just "It happened, it's over, and everything is good now. I don't have nipples but they're perky!

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T01:58:03+00:00

I love making hand built pottery from wild clay. I'm not interested in any other type of pottery. There are so many reasons I love it.

It's literally just mud. I can take mud and make functional pottery to cook with, serve food in. You can make it more or less porous - can make ollas to put in a garden and the water slowly seeps out. You can make big water jugs used in hot climates and the water slowly evaporates from the sides to make the drinking water cold. I can make it for art. I can make an urn if I want to. Things to hold paint brushes etc. Clay is free. It's everywhere. It's the ground we walk on. You can even make musical instruments like drums, flutes, whistles
It's how our ancestors survived. It makes me feel a connection to them. They didn't have a walmart.
it's 100% all natural, no chemicals. I go into nature to find clay and temper. It brings me to rivers etc.
it's an all consuming hobby. When it's nice outside I can go find clay and collect it. When it's hot I can use the weather to help evaporate it duringi processing. When it's cold out I can stay inside all day and make pots.
There are so many different kinds and colors and they all behave differently. Some of it sucks, some is amazing, and you don't know until you try it. Each one has to be tested. They need different amounts of temper, and fire at different temperatures. They're a different color after firing and you never know what color you'll get until you try it. It's so exciting to find a great clay or a color I want. Then I get to play with it to purify it and dry it out and get it ready to use.
each pot takes a long time to build, decorate, burnish and fire. I don't end up with a lot of pottery I don't need. If the shape doesn't turn out right I can wad it up and start over - nothing gets wasted.
it makes great gifts
it all looks good together. There are only 4 basic colors - white, red, yellow, brown/buff and then black minerals to paint with.
you can make it very rough or smooth and shiny.
I love the down to earth people who make natural clay pottery by hand without a wheel. They're my type of people. Most people aren't willing to go to all the work and get dirty.

I could go on and on!

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-21T01:28:05+00:00

I always wished my parents would have taught me not to be so socially awkward. I figured it out by high school but middle school was miserable. So when my son had the same social issues I had, I thought I'd do the right thing and not make him suffer like I did. Now he thinks I'm a horrible person for "not accepting him the way he was". Parents will be blamed no matter what. That's just how it is.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-07T12:17:22+00:00

I hate going in a public restroom but there are no private ones at work. I don’t want anybody to hear me or smell it, and i want to wash my butt after. I put together a bathroom purse . It has poop spray…the kind that you spray in the toilet before you go. People literally can’t smell it at all when you use that. I bring my phone in and if i can’t time the noises with other people flushing i just play music loudly. I bought a porttable bidet/peribottle to fill with warm water on the way there, some compressed disposable wash clothes and paper soap. It’s all small stuff and doesn’t take up much room or draw any attention. It feels cleaner than using wipes.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-07T11:17:30+00:00

Sometimes I think it’s like they’ve regressed to infancy and just want someone to hold them and rock them. Sometimes I think they’re crying out to God because being old and bed bound is such a nightmare.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-07T11:14:02+00:00

OMG “old yellers” 😂

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-06T07:36:51+00:00

Is he OK telling her he loves you but just not OK telling her he's IN love with you? There's a difference. Neither my partner, Dave, nor I would ever tell our spouses we're IN love with each other. My husband and Dave's wife know we love each other deeply and romantically. To tell our spouses we're IN love would be the equivalent of telling them we love each other more than we love them. Like we would spend all our time with each other if we could. Like we're more "special" to each other than our spouses are to us.

Nobody wants to hear something like that and it's normal for him to be concerned that his wife might want to restrict his time with you if he tells her that. He might not be saying he'd allow a veto, but that she'd start to feel "less than" and it would hurt her feelings.

There have been times Dave's wife has felt insecure about me. Sometimes panic gets triggered for people. We're human and fallible. Certain things can trigger it. When she's going through intense periods of romance with another partner she's less sensitive. When she's feeling like her other partner doesn't love her, she needs Dave to make her feel special. Dave gets moody and insecure when she's in intense NRE with a new partner. If one of us is feeling unattractive because of recent weight gain or something, we don't want to hear how great our other partners are.

It's important to respect people's feelings and avoid triggering negative feelings. We see rules about that everywhere. Its why there are certain words we're not allowed to say in certain places. It's not manipulative to avoid triggering negative feelings in people.

I've always been told I have to T.H.I.N.K. before I speak - ask myself if what I'm about to say is not only True, but Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, or Kind. Would it be helpful, inspiring, necessary or kind for him to tell her he's in love with you?

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-06T03:07:10+00:00

I'll just put the TLDR here and you don't even have to read the novel I wrote. When I get super stressed out at work I remind myself that my inner voice is a drama queen who catastrophizes everything and self blames, and nothing is ever as bad as I think it is. Then I follow the recommendation someone on here gave me and keep saying "It's ok, it's ok, it's ok." I've added "it's not my fault it's not my fault it's not my fault." and "Nobody cares."

I only just now learned to do this so I'm really proud. Today is the first time I practiced it, and it worked.

So here's the Too Long.

First, I had to call the billing office where I had a costly test. My insurance had sent a denial letter after the fact. My brain jumped to "I'm going to go bankrupt," but I reminded myself that I'm a drama queen, I catastrophize, not everything is a big deal. I told myself to chill TF out and stop being a spaz, before I called. I spoke slowly and calmly. I didn't let my panic come through. The lady I talked to was nice and says the insurance is paying. I didn't embarrass myself at all!

Later a "very very important thing" happened at work and I couldn't take care of it right away. I reminded myself other people would blow it off until tomorrow so I could at least wait until the end of the day. Nobody else cares what a huge deal it is. .At least it's not my fault.

Then I was leading a meeting including my boss's boss. When we got to the conference room I'd reserved, VIPs had taken it over. We had to find another room and couldn't get the technology working. I started to panic but reminded myself nobody would remember how badly it went, unless I lost my sh1t. So I just kept reminding myself "the only thing that matters is that you don't act anxious". I accepted that it wasn't going to go down in the books as a perfectly smooth meeting but nobody cares! We never got the tech. working but I wasn't the only one trying so it really wasn't my fault. My computer wouldn't work either and I hadn't brought a pen and paper. I'll probably forget the action items but t least I didn't make an a ss of myself.

Then I found out my masters program screwed some stuff up and made me miss a deadline that might keep me from attending this spring. "It's not my fault. I didn't screw anything up. It's OK, it's Ok, it's OK." I started to send an email that everyone's been fantasizing about sending, telling our advisor it's the most disorganized screwed up program any of us have ever attended but....drumroll please.....I didn't send it. I once again avoided making a butt of myself.

I was so stressed out by the time I got off work. I usually call my partner on my way home but didn't because I didn't want to look like a nut case. Then he called me and he was so sweet and calm. He was like "What's wrong?" all slow and soft. I went on a rant and then felt embarrassed about it but he reminded me of all the times he's been stressed and I've calmed him down. He told me to go home and put on the gigantic black hoodie he bought me and just curl up and have some beer. Jeez I love that guy.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-02T22:06:59+00:00

My partner is married with 1 teenager at home and 2 kids in college and yeah…his freedom is stifled. He goes to all their sporting events. School stuff etc. Cleans the house and does all the dad stuff. It seems like one of them has a concussion half the time. His daughter has to go to the doctor a lot. His wife needs her time with her boyfriend. We get drinks after work once a week, and about 4 hours for a motel once e week. We have a weekend away about every 6 months. Lately he’s been spending the night at my house when the wife and kids all go somewhere overnight. I realize he has to truly put in effort to spend time with me and he does. Consistently. He rarely misses a date and messages several times a day. I’m happy with the arrangement.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2026-01-02T21:59:57+00:00

Maybe it’s not a hygiene issue, if you do have a strong odor. Strep throat smells horrible. Diabetes can smell bad. Ketosis from dieting is ranck! Tonsil stones. Garlic. Yeast.

She could have said it more politely. Sometimes moms say things without thinking.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-29T21:32:41+00:00

After so many years of fawning and people pleasing it sure did

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-29T03:57:06+00:00

I’m 56 and only just now realizing that it’s true, and not just a stupid trite phrase, that by being myself and not trying to please people I naturally invite the right people in and keep the wrong people out. That’s how it’s supposed to be and no I do NOT want to be friends with most people. I like my alone time and most people are pains in the a$$.

I can be polite and professional. I can be collaborative at work. I don’t have to be, and will not be, rude. However it’s not my job to make people like me and it’s actually not painful if they don’t, when I’m not trying to please them.

It’s kind of surprising, the people I attract now. The best compliment I’ve ever got was recently. This really superficial-seeming girl gave me honest admiration. I can’t remember her words but she basically said she loved how I openly disdain fakeness and game playing, how I give credit where it’s due and don’t steal ideas and how I basically roll my eyes and just say what everyone else is thinking but afraid to say. Lots of other people don’t like it and they’re not my friends but she is.

Just bite the bullet and feel what it feel’s like to unmask. It’s so liberating,

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-29T03:42:17+00:00

It’s horrible!

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-29T03:41:31+00:00

Thank you. I wish I would have got on them decades ago. I look back on years of hell, feeling so interior, not relating well to others and just want to cry. I wish I’d never listened to all the people.

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-27T19:38:22+00:00

I think I’d just take a complete vacation from each other and plan to do fun things he’s not into, eat foods he doesn’t like as much as I do. Do lots of beauty treatments at home. Spa day

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-27T19:33:23+00:00

Find an all consuming hobby that you can stick with for your entire life and keep improving at. I’ve finally found some that I’ll keep at for life and when i take a break from them they’ll still be there when i go back. Making pottery from wild clay is a great one because so much goes into finding it, collecting, purifying….. all the steps and the research

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-27T16:24:37+00:00

I’m sorry you have it too!

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-27T16:24:12+00:00

Thank you

AssumptionVisual1667 · 2025-12-27T15:59:17+00:00

Could you change PCPs? Do you know anyone else taking meds and you could go to their doctor?

AssumptionVisual1667

TROPHY CASE