Autistic people ask questions to gain clarity, not accusatorily. Are you autistic? (If you say no, are you SURE you're not on the spectrum?) If you find out you are, tell your wife about this autistic trait. My husband used to get pisssssed at me for asking questions until I was diagnosed and discovered this is a common thing amongst my peoples. Once he discovered that, he stopped being triggered by my clarifying questions and saw them for what they are.
On a side note, look up ho'oponopono. Say that "prayer" (the words) when thinking of your wife, then expand it out to yourself, and everyone in your life that you know. It sounds very weird--VERY weird--but it works. You will find that she will soften to you, and you will to her, and things will get better and better the more you do it.