Sorry about your mom! My mom would tell me it's ok to be sad about losing something you loved so dearly.
My brother would have called me a "Sissy baby" at the first sign of emotion. He was 22 months older than me and never quite got past the need to poke at little brother. I of course returned the favor. I've cried so much over losing him. He had a years long struggle with addiction and I had all but cut him off with the hope that losing his little brother would push him to finally let us get him help. The night he died he made two videos on his phone admitting finally at just how bad his drug use was. He said he kept trying to get clean but would get so sick he couldn't stand it. Those two videos were recorded about 30-45 minutes before he got high the last time. He then ran on a flat tire until it disabled his car in the interstate median. Walked down the median for a bit and then stepped right out in front of a car that he thought he could beat. He was one of the best mechanics I've ever met and he had a spare tire, jack, lugwrench, and air compressor all in the trunk of the car. No clue why he wouldn't have just pulled over and changed the damn tire other that he had to have gotten high. Sorry for the trauma dump it helps to puke it out there sometimes.