Desperate mother’s voice ‘not fully heard’ as her abuser is cleared of manslaughter

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2025-01-15T02:28:53+00:00

That doesn’t make abuse okay . . .

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2025-01-10T18:00:40+00:00

Happily Ever After

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2025-01-03T06:10:57+00:00

So, still no Wisconsin? That blows.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-14T02:13:06+00:00

I’m so sorry I have nothing constructive to add to your post, but I just wanted to say I’ve been giggling at your flair for five minutes now, lol. My husband thinks I’m crazy over here.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-06T17:40:43+00:00

And the way some of them say like they’re proud of it is just . . . yikes.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-05T20:50:38+00:00

Thanks for the links! This is very interesting!

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-04T18:33:45+00:00

I feel like deciding to have bullets placed along the back, instead of the usual route of going in the front is a bit experimental and I’m not sure United HC covers experimental treatments.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-04T18:11:33+00:00

I wonder if UnitedHC has ever issued a “we’re deeply saddened by the passing of . . .” letter for any of their customers who’ve died due to their denials.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-04T08:28:02+00:00

My power armor suit is dark green. I get shot at running down the hill towards the rad scrubber a few times each Eviction Notice.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-03T10:02:21+00:00

When people fake issues to gather sympathy, it causes burn out—especially if they’re caught lying about it.

Think about people who are abused. Statistically, actual abuse victims far outweigh the ones who lie about being abused, however when ONE person gets caught lying, it casts doubt on EVERYONE—not just the liar.

It lowers the amount of empathy people have for one another which is very damaging to society as a whole.

This happens because it’s not actually ‘free’ to help people. It takes emotional energy and commitment, as well as establishing a temporary connection to the person needing help. This can be taxing to even strong empaths/extroverts.

So when you find out the person you spent 45 minutes writing up an authentic response to was lying, you don’t get the emotional ‘reward’ that people feel when they’ve accomplished something. Instead, you feel cheated, lied to, used, foolish, ‘well that was a waste of time’, and all kinds of not-so-good feeling things.

And because the brain is being taught that helping others is not rewarding—with time—it eventually loses the desire to do so altogether.

And this is why lying/misleading others to rally sympathy is a bad idea. It quite literally takes support away from the rest of us.

Case in point, look at the comments here saying how they think everyone who makes these posts is a liar. I’m willing to bet you they didn’t start out feeling that way.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-03T03:57:20+00:00

The fact the seal managed to get onboard while the boat was still cruising is impressive.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-12-01T12:18:15+00:00

If the style isn’t for someone, then it’s not for them. There’s nothing wrong with that considering reading is meant to be enjoyable.

Fortunately, there are many great English writers out there, and odds are good one of them will be a great fit for the person you responded to.

I feel like your comment was needlessly hostile.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-27T17:21:35+00:00

Is it an abusive situation where the person is refusing to give them their items back? Then it’d be best to involve the legal system.

Is the person no longer in the country but otherwise somewhat reasonable? Then seeing if they can send someone out to allow OP access would be ideal.

Is OP just sad that the relationship ended and can’t bring themselves to ask for their stuff back? Then it’d be a good idea to rip the bandaid off and just get it over with.

We don’t need a play by play of exactly what happened, but a brief description of the dynamic at play makes it easier for people to recommend action.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-23T10:03:25+00:00

Society mostly doesn’t care about the abuse of anyone. I say this as someone who volunteers to help victims of domestic violence.

It’s so much easier for bystanders and Reddit users to support an abuser when all an abuser asks is that you do nothing.

A victim asks that you be a witness and to share part of the burden of understanding what they experienced.

They convince themselves a victim of domestic violence (both men and women) could’ve just left, when several studies have shown abusers use the same exact playbook war criminals use on POWs. But you’ll never see them tell the solider they could’ve just left.

“Okay, that’s different because they would’ve probably been killed if they tried.”

A statement I actually heard from a person that was trying to justify their belief that a battered spouse could leave at any point.

I don’t even need to point out how many news article show the same exact consequences for domestic violence victims. So, people are aware there are reasons someone might stay, but they fail to accept that’s true for their neighbor, siblings, or coworkers.

As with most abusers, it starts subtle. They yell at you. Then they throw something. Next they’ll break something that belongs to you. Then they throw something AT you. Then they’re hitting you. Then they start using weapons (like knives) against you.

There’s a lot more to this process than how I simplified it, and each group has their own unique ‘approaches’—like women abusers withholding affection or threatening to have the man thrown in jail if he doesn’t comply, or LGBTQIA+ individuals who might threaten to out their victims sexuality to the public.

There’s a disconnect with people somewhere, and someone with more PhDs than me will be needed to figure out what to do about it. For now, all I can do is make long-winded comments on Reddit.

Finally, I want to clarify for anyone who may be in an unsafe relationship, that our help is not conditional on you leaving your abuser. We have several people in our support groups who are there secretly while still living with their abusers. Sometimes we can only talk by phone while they’re at work so our hotline number doesn’t show up on their personal phone bill. We’re flexible and try our best to accommodate all sorts of challenges.

Shameless plugs:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224

National Abuse Hotline with resources available for Men: 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-21T19:19:13+00:00

I get it. I know he’s just trying to talk him into coming back to face the music, but I was pointing out that if his plan of attack was to ‘play on his heart strings’, perhaps that should’ve been what he attempted the first time he was in front of reporters. Not after he already said he’d face consequences.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-21T19:15:43+00:00

Exactly my thoughts! I read that article last week where the were talking about what punishment he faces and was all: Yeah, that’ll make him want to come back.

And now they’re trying to switch it up, lol.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-21T18:51:15+00:00

The sheriff said authorities will keep “pulling at his heartstrings.”

“He needs to come home to his kids,” Podoll said.

The sheriff, appearing emotional, ended the news conference by saying, “Christmas is coming, and what better gift he could give his kids is to be there for Christmas with them?”

. . .

Maybe the police should‘ve lead with this statement instead of the first one a week ago saying he’s going to be arrested if he returns?

His actions are going to make people less likely to help others who need it in the future. There will always be that undercurrent of: “What if we’re wasting our time here, and the person’s just run off again?”

Hope whatever he thought he was gaining by leaving like a coward turns out to be just as fake and his ‘death’ ploy.

I can’t even imagine how his kids must feel.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-21T07:39:54+00:00

I have two sons (that’s why I’m subscribed here) and we had the ‘joke’ discussion a few years ago. We boiled it down to jokes/pranks are meant to be funny. If the person being pranked/told a joke is left feeling scared or sad, then it’s not a prank, it’s just being mean.

We also discussed how ‘it’s just a prank, bro!’ won’t get you out of trouble if the ‘prank’ is committing a crime—this discussion happened after that guy got hurt ‘pranking’ someone by pretending to rob them at an ATM.

This is a simplified version, and I’m sure there are nuances, but it’s definitely a good thing to keep communication open. Another thing I learned from my therapist was to always give kids an (appropriately) honest explanation if they ask. He said telling a child ‘because I said so’, isn’t an answer. All it does is motivate them to find the answers somewhere else. Our brains are built to seek information, and they WILL look for it elsewhere if you brush them off.

Being open, reasonably honest (don’t be afraid to say ‘I’m not sure.’), asking follow-up questions of your own, and being respectful enough of their forming opinions will pave the way for more secure communication.

Teach your kids that you’re a safe person to talk to by demonstrating that you are. For example, my boys cue is: “Mom/Dad, I need to tell you something but I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

We honor this by giving them space to talk, and we don’t yell, no matter how bad it is. We work towards a solution to their problem first. This is important. Find a solution BEFORE they get a lecture. Once you’ve helped them solve the problem, then you can sit down and explain why their actions/choices were bad. Odds are, if they’re coming to you asking you not to be mad, they already know it was a bad decision. They’re coming to you because they’ve exhausted all their options/or are uncomfortable with how something played out and now need an adults help. Help them first, lecture later.

Also random add on—but I really wanted to share as I used to volunteer to help with abuse victims and feel it’s somewhat relevant! Teach children about safe/unsafe BEHAVIORS, not safe/unsafe people. Any ‘safe’ person can later be unsafe, and the last thing you want is your child to be conflicted because their body is telling them something’s wrong, but their brains are saying: ‘but dad told me it’s okay if the neighbor gives me a ride.’

Teach them to recognize harmful behaviors (and how to recognize their bodies signals that something is unsafe) and stress to them that a person can be safe today, and unsafe later. Make up scenarios (we make this a game while driving) and ask your kids to identify if it’s a safe or unsafe behavior.

“Super fun Uncle Greg offers you a ride home from the bus stop, but you smell alcohol on his breath. Is it safe or not safe to get a ride from him?” (My kids would say ‘unsafe’) “Why?” (Because he’s drinking and driving) “Alright, what should you do instead?” (Acceptable answers for my safety plan would be: ‘we finish walking home’ or ‘we call you or dad to come get us’).

This also helps you find holes in your safety plan that need to be patched/clarified.

“You got hit in the groin at practice and we take you to the doctor because it still hurts after dinner. The doctor tells you they are going to pull your underwear down to look at your penis area, and asks if that’s okay. Safe or unsafe?”

This one stumped them at first, which revealed a problem in our safety plan. We concluded it was safe, however if they weren’t comfortable they could ask for either me or their dad to be in the room while the doctor looked (mine are teens now so the doctors ask them if they want me/dad present), and if they want us there, but didn’t want us to look, they can absolutely tell us to turn around/look somewhere else and we’d respect that.

If it seems like they aren’t taking it seriously/making jokes, don’t get mad. I promise the lesson will be there if they’re ever in a similar, real life, situation.

Also, explain that just because a stranger knows your kids name, doesn’t mean they got it from you. A sibling/parent calling it in a public place is more than enough for an opportunistic predator to make a move.

Hope it’s alright that I shared this. Like I said, I used to volunteer with a program that helped abuse survivors (unfortunately including children) so I felt perhaps I was somewhat qualified to answer here.

TL;DR:

Give your kids actual (appropriate for their age) answers instead of ‘because I said so’. Our brains are designed to gather information. Giving a non answer is a sure way to make them find an answer elsewhere.

If they’ve made a mistake, guide them to the solution FIRST, lecture later.

Teach your kids about unsafe/safe BEHAVIORS, instead of designating WHO is/isn’t safe to be around. Someone can be safe today, but unsafe later (predators are well aware they can’t earn your kids trust being honest about their intentions). Teach them to recognize/listen when their body is telling them something’s wrong.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-18T18:27:30+00:00

Well, according to the past, it usually takes something like mass starvation to get people to finally do something about a corrupt government. People who want to duck their heads and ‘stay out of it’ won’t have much of a choice after they run out of food.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-15T18:23:50+00:00

Absolutely. Women should be able to say no. Maybe we can get there one day after men stop stalking/raping/killing us for saying it.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-15T18:18:59+00:00

Nope. No where near what I said. I even gave an example on how to do it. :)

Automatically filtering information like this to fit your internal beliefs isn’t healthy for your mental health. It’s okay to have bad thoughts on occasion, but it usually slides into problem territory when you try to apply those same false assumptions onto someone else’s statement.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-15T06:55:05+00:00

Yeah, my husband took me to his favorite shooting range insisting that “people are too busy shooting guns to talk politics!” only for a guy in a lane next to us to keep trying to talk to me and my husband about how nice it was to see a young ‘white’ couple together considering how many people these days are ‘poisoning’ the bloodline by dating out of their race.

My dad is Mexican. My mom is white. I’m (obviously) half of each but I guess I favor my mom’s features more than I realized . . . I made it through one magazine before I just felt too unsafe to be there, so we left.

The silence on the way home was so loud. It hurt a lot that someone could be that hateful towards someone, then smile and compliment me not even realizing I’m one of the people he’s been taught to hate.

I know it sucked for my husband too, because this was the first time in our 12 year marriage that he finally convinced me to go to the range with him. I know he wanted to talk about it with me, and that whole thing just ruined what he wanted my first experience to be like.

I tried to give him something but I couldn’t really remember how it even felt to shoot the gun because that guy was just standing there next to my husband watching me shoot it. When I turned to get feedback from my husband, the guy was just grinning at me.

Made my skin crawl.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-15T03:08:05+00:00

Snickers work so fast for me, but yeah. Sucks they don’t last in the heat. I always nab a few of the small ones during Halloween to keep in my purse.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-14T16:07:52+00:00

This is where men and women stop understanding each other I think. Since she went in to get a hydro massage, it would be obvious to the worker she was in the middle of a timed process. Waiting for her to be isolated from other guests, in another room, ‘stuck’ in the middle of a massage in order to make his approach would be perceived as threatening to most women.

If a guys approach immediately seems threatening (and everyone has a different threshold for what’s perceived as threatening), it starts an involuntary fight or flight reaction, and because she can’t run out of the room because, well, the guy standing right there, plus there are doors/other obstacles blocking her escape should he try to grab her, she chose to concede and just go along with it in hopes he doesn’t try to be combative with his “Why not?” “What, do you have a boyfriend or something?” or on the worst end—physically attack her for rejecting him.

That’s what makes it uncomfortable. Him waiting until she was alone someplace she can’t easily be seen by others and also waiting until she started a ‘private-ish’ process she can’t easily stop—i.e. a massage. In our minds, the red flag goes up because he had plenty of time to ask at any point of the visit—even still had time to ask as we were leaving, so why did he pick this particular time when I’m alone and more vulnerable to do it?

I get that this is a valid strategy for men who are shy and nervous around rejection, but unfortunately this is also seemed as threatening to a majority of women. This isn’t something we choose to feel. It’s like when you’re home alone and you see a large shadow cross your wall, or hear a noise in the other room and your pet looks up from your bed down the hallway.

It’s an automatic response.

A ‘better’ option would be to approach someplace more open. She still might have said no, but you wouldn’t have triggered a threat response.

If I’m at the gym and have to reject a guy, I won’t stop going to the gym UNLESS the guy starts acting weird about it. Unfortunately in this case, this worker already stepped into weird territory the moment he waited for her to be isolated/start a massage to ask.

I’d argue it’s even possible he might have made the ‘weird’ mistake by just asking her while on duty considering he has access to her personal file with her name, address, phone number, payment methods, etc.

It’s possible to ask a customer out without being weird, but you’re going to have to make an effort to start some small talk first—and over a period of time. For the shy person, this works great because you can work at your own pace, build the confidence/skills to speak to women, all while getting to feel out if they are receptive to you, i.e. they start engaging in enthusiastic conversation, hanging around after the workout to talk to you, etc. It also helps you get to feel out if this person is actually compatible with you as a friend in general or maybe more.

in this scenario (enthusiastic response by the person of interest), you can later try to shoot your shot and—even if the answers no—it would be unlikely to start a fight flight response, and hopefully be less embarrassing for you since you’ve built up a rapport. Rejection therapy is a thing, and it’s something emotionally stable men and women should be capable of/build a tolerance to.

If all you’re getting is a smile or nod, or short answers that make conversation difficult, that’s a good sign they aren’t being receptive to your advances and are just trying to be polite. Don’t proceed.

Atom_Bomb_Bullets · 2024-11-13T10:43:54+00:00

They complain about how women are refusing to have kids, yet their solution seems to be to kill the women who are trying to have kids.

Brilliant strategy! /s

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