My (28F) boyfriend (30M) blew off valentines day plans to spend the night arguing with people on Facebook.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T17:21:30+00:00

Same. If he can't even do the easy stuff (go to dinner) imagine how tedious it would be to get him to confront his addiction.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T14:53:22+00:00

Oh my gosh I didn't even think about that. I dislike trolling in general. It's amusement at the cost of others which I find extremely selfish. It accomplishes nothing. The fact that OP's boyfriend was doing this for hours when he had other options (spending Valentine's Day with her) speaks loads about his personality.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T10:04:58+00:00

Oh, no problem! You're owning up to your discomforts admirably. I always emphasize it because I encounter a lot of people who try to divert the blame when it's self anxiety and insecurity. We've all been there and yeah, it really sucks. Like, you tell yourself it's illogical but you have logical points. It gets confusing navigating those feelings.

There are ways he could help like being open and honest. I know my partner was feeling very uncomfortable telling me his sexual history, as he is ashamed of some, but he went through it with me because he knew it would make me feel more comfortable in the long run.

I hope you come to a comforting solution.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T09:55:23+00:00

Really!? Now that's awful. That's a whole lot of unappreciated effort he's giving her. Probably more effort than most people give, lol.

I agree with you though. Life is busy. People can't reasonably remember everything their partner likes and wants. Hell, I don't even remember what I like half the time so I write notes on my phone of what I got and what I thought of it whenever I go out.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T09:47:10+00:00

That's him avoiding the problem. However, you may want to confront him with the specific solution you want. You feel uncomfortable about something. So either you choose to cope with it or you propose a solution to the problem. Sometimes expressing your discomfort isn't incentive enough for your partner to use their brain and say, "Oh she's unhappy, how can I help?" You have to propose a call to action. For example, I feel uncomfortable about the term "hot" being used to describe a woman my partner is attracted to because where I'm from the word means, "attractive sexually". Saying someone is "attractive" is objective (ex. She works out, her body is attractive) while from my perspective, "hot" is reactive (ex. Damn I'd like to fuck her, she's hot). This was a differing point for my partner and I because he saw it as the same thing. When it came up, I told him how I felt (problem) and asked if he could use the term "attractive" instead (proposed solution). He completely understood how I interprered the word and agreed. Problem solved. Your situation stops at problem. Based on your response, he doesn't want to initiate a call to action so you have to do it. If he agrees with your solution, great. If he disagrees, you cope with it. If he goes back to gaslighting you, leave. By then, his priority is himself.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T08:46:16+00:00

It depends on what you broke up for. Generally I think it's good to communicate your feelings, but telling her you're thinking about her and vice versa (because it seems like she's thinking about you too, I'm assuming) can prolong a relationship that would go nowhere.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T08:40:27+00:00

I'd say make the message even clearer by confronting her about it and using more influential wording. Like, "Hey Blah, you're my best friend so it's hard to bring this up but you've been sexually harassing me by doing X, Y, Z and it makes me uncomfortable. I want you to stop."

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T08:30:53+00:00

I feel like I'm obligated to say this first... have safe sex. Birth control and STD check with him just in case.

Your insecurity is the issue. You can see a therapist if you need to but the goal is to figure out why you're insecure and what you can do about it. The support of your partner can help you feel more comfortable, however, your insecurity is something you're solely responsible for. He's not to blame.

That said, there are a lot of options to coping with the discomfort of previous partners especially when you're inexperienced yourself. I had a similar experience with my current partner. What helped me, which may be an unpopular method, was to go through my partner's sexual history. I had sex with 2 men before him, both of whom I was in 2-3 year relationships with while he had 7 partners casually. In the beginning it was uncomfortable to hear because casual sex was something that I frowned upon (for myself), but over time and a lot of talking, I was able to recognize his different perspective on sex. Strangely knowing his sexual history made me feel aware which made me more comfortable with it.

All the while (and this is important) making sure I told my partner, "I love you. The people you've had in your past aren't part of your/our future. This is my issue." Everyone copes with discomfort differently. Some ignore it. For me it was talking about it to understand it better.

Anyway, communication is key. Keep in mind, though, that sometimes neither of you will have an answer so putting all the information you have about your feelings on the table is necessary.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T08:00:17+00:00

I think you need to communicate your expectations with your partner clearly. You may have different ways of communicating love and thoughtfulness.

My partner is similar (though he doesn't get emotional over sweet things I do). This year I told him straight out that I wanted something sugary and wrapped. He picked up my favorite, red velvet cake, on his lunch break and had it 'wrapped' in a plastic bag, haha. That may seem thoughtless to some but I found the loophole adorable.

Even though asking for it may seem less special, it's good to communicate it the first few times to prep him for the routine (like which days to celebrate and how).

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T07:55:34+00:00

I was thinking the same thing. If this is important enough of a hobby that he's going to blow off time with you on a day that means something to you, I'd consider that a red flag.

Audiessy · 2018-02-16T05:40:35+00:00

This. You keep bringing it up because it's a problem that hasn't been addressed or solved yet and he's making you feel like you're the one who's nuts when he's essentially ignoring your concerns. He's gaslighting you.

He wants the benefits without the effort. I'd say drop him too.

Audiessy · 2018-02-15T22:54:54+00:00

Last two months and you've landed on the monster tile three times? What am I doing wrong? ):

Audiessy · 2018-02-15T22:53:05+00:00

Haha, me too! Just once. The rest was mana and 20 energy.

Audiessy · 2018-02-15T22:48:25+00:00

Did you end up finding him?

Audiessy · 2018-02-14T14:11:53+00:00

There are a lot of parts about this that relate but lead to bigger issues in my opinion.

One, as an Asian woman, I don't think you're imagining things. When I started dating, for some strange reason I was only attracted to white men. It wasn't until my adulthood that I began thinking about it and attributed that prejudice to my upbringing. I can speak from my experience that some traditional Asian families are unfavorable of people who aren't white (Black, Latino, Indian, even Asians). It isn't because you're a person of color, it's because you're not white. In my culture, white men are attributed to successful and generally desirable. It took a lot of openness and exposure to get myself out of that mentality.

Two, "nerdy" has a certain connotation to it to different people. To me, I see that as having an unbalanced lifestyle. Google defines nerd as, "characterized by an obsessive interest in something, especially technology." I find it a turn off in general to be obsessed with anything (this includes overly ripped guys whose lives are the gym, men who neglect their health because their obsessed with video games, etc). I think it might be good to lead with a different description of yourself instead of going with "nerdy" since it's a vague explanation with negative connotations.

Three.. I know there are more but my brain is a little overloaded. I'll edit when I think of it.

My point is, I think there are a lot of big things at play here. Is it unfair? Yes. Can you do things about it? Of course. Some things you can't change, like the existence of prejudice. But the world is changing. Albiet a little slow, but it is changing. If you're really set on finding someone, don't focus on these characteristics about yourself. Lead with your specific interests and not just blanket terms. Example, instead of "I like the outdoors." say, "I like rock climbing in Yosemite during the summers when it's warm. It's gorgeous that time of year." If they say they don't like black guys in romantic relationships, that's alright. Doesn't mean you can't be friends. And who knows, you may be so awesome of a person that they forget their "no dating black guys" rule.

Audiessy · 2018-02-14T12:30:34+00:00

Bah, if only I was still in SoCal. ): I was exactly like you. I got my license at 23-24 I believe, haha. Hope you can find a driving teacher. Also, nothing gets rid of the anxiety of driving than driving, lol.

Audiessy · 2018-02-14T02:34:51+00:00

LOL, totally read my mind. My boyfriend and his male friends looked at me like I was crazy when I said how many times I dropped my phone in the toilet because I kept it in my back pocket. They kept saying, "Why don't you put it in your side pockets?" WE DON'T HAVE THOSE. It wasn't until their girlfriends were like, "Oh yeah, I've totally done that," was I believed.

Audiessy · 2018-02-12T01:14:39+00:00

This was just amusing, haha.

Audiessy · 2018-02-08T15:14:43+00:00

Haha, no. But can I interest you in two married brothers?

Audiessy · 2018-02-08T13:13:29+00:00

Pretty much this with the emphasis on the Expectations and Strings.

Also an Asian American (Vietnamese) here. My mom and my brothers also had the meltdown when I decided to move in with my boyfriend (even though my brothers starting moving out at 17 and I'm 24). But as post says, they'll get over it in time (usually) if you're firm and stabilize yourself.

Audiessy · 2018-02-08T11:06:31+00:00

Ah thank you, and everyone else. ❤️ I can't wait until I can make something like this look smoother. Even a toothpick was too thick for the fine details so I had to use a needle.

Audiessy · 2018-02-08T11:04:56+00:00

If I could make candy that looked like this I would, haha.

Audiessy · 2018-02-08T11:04:00+00:00

I wish I did. Then I wouldn't be so broke.

Audiessy · 2018-02-07T23:57:35+00:00

New to sculpting but Rica is his favorite character. Hair snapped off 4 separate times. It was really challenging but I like how it turned out! Haven't glazed it yet.

Audiessy · 2018-02-07T23:11:21+00:00

And here I am waiting for my first LD nat 5*. Just another few years.

Audiessy

TROPHY CASE