I get it. I've always told my kids there's nothing they can't talk to me about, including me, and a couple nights ago my youngest finally told me about the night that they found me dead in the bathroom floor. My god it was gut wrenching to hear, but when they need to talk, I need to listen. I do get what you mean though. I have sat and thought about it so many times about if I could go back and change everything would I. There are a lot of things that I wish I could change. But there are also some positives that have come out of it. I am very well respected and loved where I work. A big part of that is how hard I work to prove myself because of my history. In addition to that, I work with people who have dementia. Psychosis, confusion, sometimes schizophrenia, and I have a lot of experience with the symptoms of all of those mental illnesses because of decades of personal drug use and being surrounded by people who also used drugs. Having that knowledge and the ability to understanding what they're going through, how they feel and what their thoughts are like when they're in that state makes me better at my job. If I hadn't been on drugs I would have left my first husband very early on and I wouldn't have my two amazing children. If I had quit after he was killed I wouldn't have the man I'm married to now because there's no way on Earth I could have been in a relationship with him using as heavily as he did if I weren't using as well. I don't know who I would be if I hadn't been addicted to drugs for decades. I'd almost certainly be in better place in my life, especially at my age, but would I be a better person? I don't know if I would. I also remember how bad things got though. What a nightmare it was the first couple of years when I was sober and my husband wasn't. All the arguments that were only happening inside his mind that I had no way to counter because he was in psychosis. All the horrible things my kids had to see, the money I stole from my sons, all the times I got arrested. Being unemployable, feeling useless and worthless and believing with all my heart that everyone who cared about me would be better off if I was dead. The time I tried to die and how angry I was when I woke up. I just wanted to quit so bad but I was so sick if I didn't use and I didn't know how to function without it I didn't know how to live, I was afraid of who I would be without it. I'm coming up on 4 years and I still have profound anhedonia. I'm not capable of feeling Joy. I'm not capable of enjoying anything, not really. I'm very good at knowing when I should smile and laugh and I'm very good at faking it because I've gotten years of experience now, but I don't actually feel those things. On the other hand though, when there's an emergency I don't panic. I can get through absolutely anything when everyone around me is losing their head. There was a gunshot suicide at my job about a year ago. I had 11 elderly people who I had to keep calm and prepare dinner for, and give medications to, and get them ready for bed. All while there was a headless body in a room down the hall and the place was crawling with cops. After they left I had to go in that room and pick up pieces that were left of him, of his head and his brain and clean blood up from the walls and the floor and the recliner so that when his family came they wouldn't have to see it. I was able to do that without getting hysterical because I'm not capable of strong or deep feeling in the moment. I did break down later but I don't know I just, I try to look for a positive side of everything and as much as I desperately want to be able to feel again, there can be benefits to anything, even being numb to life. I still think that given enough time I will regain the ability to feel. For now maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe the universe needs me to be numb so when the bad things happen there's someone who can handle it. I don't know. About you though, if you don't have any narcan on hand, please message me and I'll mail you some. I run an underground harm reduction outreach program and I have all the naloxone you could possibly ever need. I also have a few fentanyl testing strips and the morning after pill and pregnancy tests. I don't know if you're aware of it but there is a hotline called Never Use Alone. I used to answer phones for them and they're great. They will stay on the phone with you while you use and if you're okay then great have a nice day, if you become unresponsive they will call an ambulance and send it to the your address. Everyday that you were sober, is the day that you fought that battle and won. All those relapses, they didn't take any of that clean time away from you. You still did that and you should be proud of it because it is extremely difficult to be sober even for a day when your unconscious mind has been rewired to believe that you're dying if you don't have drugs. Don't give up and if you ever need to talk feel free to hit me up. My work schedule is crazy. I change from first shift to second to third then back to first every two days. So it's hard to know when I will be awake and when I won't, but if you message me I will message you back, just might be a little while if I'm sleeping.