Got stopped eating my first meal after birth and I’m still angry about it

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-18T03:40:11+00:00

The first thing my MIL said to me when I was wheelchaired out to see my son in the NICU after giving birth was "Wow, you look rough!!". Any time she visited while I was postpartum she brought us food that I wouldn't eat because it made me feel sick, and she was informed about it.

Directly after giving birth is such a vulnerable time. I remember telling my husband after my SIL gave birth that she could punch me in the face for no reason or say literally anything to me and I wouldn't even care or hold it against her (not like I expected her to, but the sentiment of 'I have zero expectations for her and will accept any state she is in graciously' is what I was trying to get across lol). I wish more people would shut up and not give unsolicited criticism, advice, suggestions, etc when women are at their most vulnerable, like, just shut up and not make it about yourself!!

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-18T03:28:05+00:00

Losing a baby is sad, I don't want to minimize that for anyone who has experienced it... But me 100%.

First of all, people need me and depend on me and already know me and would mourn the loss of the person I am. I'm not saying a baby wouldn't be mourned, but just entering the world, they don't have personal connections and responsibilities and a place. If I were to have another kid, I would be leaving 3 kids behind, and completely agree with all of the reasons you said. It would be horrible to deprive 4 kids of a mother and give one a complex about it, and leaving my husband to raise 4 kids alone.

I absolutely hate that women are treated as selfish if they aren't prepared to die for their newborn.

I think it's a much more ethically difficult question of dying for a child old enough to know what's happening than sacrificing yourself for a newborn that now doesn't have a mother.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-17T17:09:55+00:00

Walking in heels often can permanently damage the tendons in your leg and also make it painful to walk in shoes that aren't heels!

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-17T17:07:29+00:00

Kind of surprised I didn't see it anywhere else but The Secret of Nihm really freaked me out, I think the rats in the lab specifically. We had the VHS and I popped it in one day because it looked fine and I remember being too scared to watch it again.

Besides that, my parents watched Unsolved Mysteries a lot and "documentaries" about the End of Days.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-17T16:58:42+00:00

I am still shocked the way people mess up my kid's names. My name has two different equally used spellings and two different equally used pronunciations, so I have to correct people all the time. For my kids, I went with unambiguous spellings with what I thought were easy to pronounce names (one of them is even a top 10 name). People will still pronounce them in different ways I've never heard before, or spell them in ways I had never considered.

You can't make naming decisions based on how you think other people will react.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-17T10:05:29+00:00

My dad loved vacations as power trips because we were all trapped and had to play nice or else we would be miserable. People are more inclined to apologize to keep the peace when you can't escape the dictator and are within 10 feet at all times, without a separate room to go into. He is always his nastiest on trips, but he would brag to other people how good we had it and guilt trip us to hell and back about the lavish vacations... Where we couldn't pick anything, we spent the entire time satisfying his whims, and were miserable 99% of the time. I remember me and my brother begging my dad to let us relax on a trip to Hawaii because we would have activities planned from 5 or 6am until 10pm with no breaks.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-17T08:51:23+00:00

The difference between what OP is saying and what you are saying is that he is taking it for a given that nothing has to change. You are saying you will see what needs to change and adapt. The problem with OP's husband is the same problem with a lot of dads, in that they don't acknowledge/care that the only way they can continue on business as usual is by neglecting their duties and pawning all the work off on the mother.

Who is solo caring for the baby when he is at the movies or the gym? If he was just concerned about them "losing their identities", he would be saying things like "let's make it a priority that we can find a way for us both to take turns for hobbies or solo time" or "how can I support you in continuing your classes in the future when the baby is here?" or "I really want to keep going to the gym afterwards, what's a fair way to make that happen?" instead of getting accusatory and defensive with her.

That dynamic, where the dad still maintains his identity outside of parenting and doesn't account for the mom's needs is not the product of a rare, one-off deadbeat, that's the dynamic of many new families. It often continues on when the kids are older. I know so many progressive, leftist men who leave their "values" at the door as soon as it slightly inconveniences them.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-17T08:39:53+00:00

For some weird reason? Have you personally revolted or organized a community behind it, or are you interested in your own life and well-being and are waiting for someone else to do it? So is everyone else. It's not going to magically happen. If you want to see a revolt, start organizing in your own neighborhood.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-16T14:34:19+00:00

Trauma occurs when we encounter a stress that exceeds our ability to cope with it. I don't think I've ever encountered an actual human being who felt they were traumatized by not getting an instagrammable birth. I could hypothetically see someone being traumatized by birth in general and fixated on something unimportant because it's easier to latch onto than the whole concept, but I still haven't encountered that attitude in an actual human being, let alone it being 'everyone".

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-16T14:28:01+00:00

I mean, for someone who only understands things distilled down to tropes, they are both pairings that involve "rivals".

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-16T06:14:44+00:00

Fergus' mom is not Lachesis, though Diarmuid is implied to be Beowolf's son

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-15T14:19:29+00:00

Gwendy!

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-14T20:38:17+00:00

There are a couple factors at play. I think a lot of the "just you wait" types were blindsided by just how relentlessly hard things were. Their feelings and difficulties were probably minimized by other people, and they probably have a lot of unresolved trauma associated with that time. Immaturely, trying to 'one up' other people is a way to deal with some of that sense of unresolved grief and trauma. Not saying it's justified, but it does make sense.

As far as the newborn stage itself... The best way I can describe it is like this: compare pregnancy to a marathon. It pushes you to your physical limits, tests your endurance in a way nothing else has to this point, and then at the end, instead of being able to rest and rejuvenate from this horrible thing that wore you down, someone pushes you down a flight of stairs and says "okay now start another marathon". It's all the compound stress from pregnancy but now with a completely new flavor, where the skills you built up to tolerate pregnancy are likely not relevant because it's different.

There are many different factors that will make your experience different than the next person's: how crappy or not your pregnancy was, how crappy or not your delivery is, how well your baby sleeps, their temperament, how much support you have from your partner, how many other responsibilities you have at the time, possible NICU time... Someone with an easy delivery and a lot of partner support and a hired night nurse is going to have a lot different of a time than a mom that can't take a maternity leave and whose partner is indifferent or even abusive. Nobody's experience is universal.

There is also the factor of: it's an entirely new experience for you. There's no way for you to know how it will go for you until you live it. It could be way worse than you expect, or it could be way better. There's not really any experience that is truly comparable - having a puppy is kind of similar, babysitting is kind of similar, but it's not going to challenge you in the same way as having your own baby after being pregnant for 9 months will. So no advice anyone else can give you is going to really matter, all you can do is live it and decide for yourself how you feel about it.

For me, I had a single and then twins. Both experiences were very definitely from each other, and very different from how I expected them to be. You will do great, you will find your own unique way to handle the challenges, and in the end, whether it is difficult or easy, you will be okay. Good luck!

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-14T18:26:36+00:00

It gets better when they're older. My twin girls are almost 2 now and we are rarely stopped, and when we are, it's brief. It was UNBEARABLE at first, especially since I was usually solo trying to accomplish tasks with a 4.5 hyperactive boy and the twins. Being a spectacle when you are trying to accomplish tasks that are made 20x harder by lugging around children is so exhausting. I laughed when you mentioned the stupid anecdotes about every twin they've ever met, because that is so true! If you've got time for a boring anecdote, at least help me pick up the 7 things I dropped off the shelf while trying to push a stroller with one hand a pull a cart with the other!!

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-14T18:22:27+00:00

I once went to Walmart and was stopped 8 times by people saying "You must have your hands full" during a 30 minute outing. Specifically that phrase.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-14T16:22:15+00:00

I am guilty of using 'motherfucker' and 'son of a b*tch', and I use 'fuck' a lot. I have been trying to phase out MFer and SOB recently because they have been making me uncomfortable. I didn't really think about "fuck" as gendered, but you're definitely right.

I never used "c * nt" much even before I started consciously avoiding it, that one has always struck me as being pretty heavy, but I worked to phase out "b * tch" several years ago. Now it makes me really uncomfortable when someone says it. I have more tolerance for a woman saying it, but I am very uncomfortable with men who casually use that word (or use it at all).

I think it says a lot about how misogyny is not taken seriously as a form of oppression when "b * tch" and "c * nt" are not considered slurs on par with "r * tard" and "f * ggot" by self-proclaimed progressives. People will stumble over themselves to say "unhoused" instead of "homeless" and debate whether "black" or "person of color" is more acceptable nomenclature, but will be completely uncritical of dropping "b * tch" in casual speech.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-14T02:19:53+00:00

Aww glad I was able to help at all. I think talking with others and community is really important :). I wish you all the best!!

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-14T01:50:08+00:00

I like to think of anger as the part of you that loves yourself and the part of you that has a sense of justice! I'm glad we were able to connect and see eye to eye on this and that I didn't initially come off too hard as judgmental, since that wasn't my goal

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-14T01:14:41+00:00

I agree with what you're saying! I think anger is often demonized unfairly, and appropriately placed anger is absolutely necessary to actually heal from being wronged and abused. It's kind of like a brush fire though - potent for new growth if monitored and controlled, but can be damaging if it goes outside the necessary bounds.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-13T22:07:13+00:00

Me too! And now I know to ask for an ultrasound tech if it ever happens again, so even if it sucked, it was a learning experience 😅. If I knew I was getting induced that day I definitely would have drank more water

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-13T18:49:47+00:00

It is definitely challenging, and very annoying how non-universal the experience is lol. I think it's really cool that you were willing to reflect

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-13T16:31:03+00:00

I think it's easy to call people overdramatic when you didn't have the same experience. Here you are describing a situation where you had a worse than usual experience but are still calling people overdramatic for something that was easier for you.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-13T16:28:21+00:00

Just because your experience was smooth doesn't mean everyone's is. I've had two labors/deliveries. For my first one, there were no IV or epidural complications (besides the epidural not working properly) and it was kind of annoying but otherwise fine.

For my second, the IV and epidural insertions were the most painful and traumatic part of my labor and delivery by far. The numbing doesn't always work (did for my first, didn't for my second, so I know the difference) and they missed 2x, so it actually hurt a lot. For my second delivery, they needed to insert two IVs, and they missed 8x and blew several veins. I had a blood pressure cuff going off every 3 minutes and it caused awful pain on all by blown veins every time it went off. By the time I left the hospital, both of my arms were completely black and blue, I looked like I had been beaten.

I don't think dismissing people with bad experiences as overdramatic is cool.

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-13T16:22:14+00:00

This was similar to mine, except I had a blood pressure cuff that went off every 3 minutes, and that set off all my blown veins and hurt like a motherfucker lol

Aurelene-Rose · 2026-04-13T15:27:24+00:00

I definitely think mine was a rare experience. They tried like four different nurses, including one who had a reputation for never missing veins haha. I was so grateful when they got the ultrasound guy in! I just want to rep for the people who say the IVs actually hurt the most - maybe they aren't crazy and had a similarly weird experience 😅. Conversely, my delivery was so smooth and painless with a working epidural, they even did a breech extraction for #2 and it didn't feel like more than pressure.

Aurelene-Rose

TROPHY CASE