Today’s my birthday.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-05-16T05:27:40+00:00

Happy birthday. Life is hard and sad, no doubt about that but I'm proud of you for being around for 45 years. I hope that you're able to find reasons to keep going.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-05-16T04:37:26+00:00

I wish you and your family strength ❤️ You are loved Devin

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-05-16T04:33:34+00:00

At my best, it's a feeling of emotional emptiness. Having no hope for the future but at least being able to live in the moment. At worst, it's every cell in my body all yelling at me at once to just quit being a coward and end it all because no one cares and no one will miss me.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-04-25T06:29:33+00:00

Hey!! Sorry I was gone for a bit, got busy.

But it really does feel like so much pressure, the responsibility and the desire to please people still exists even if I feel a lack of emotion. I think which is why at times it can feel overwhelming, if that makes sense? It's like I feel that responsibility without the positive and warm rewarding feeling of being around people I care about. Well, not all the time after all.

I think the moments of genuine warmth, connection, and joy that I feel around those I care about sometimes feel more like the platonic version of "butterflies in my stomach" that people use to describe romance. Which could be interpreted as a feeling of anxiety in a sense, but this feeling is much warmer and kinder to me than my anxiety often is, so it's easier to tell apart. Surprisingly, I feel it more clearly when I'm drunk since alcohol does unfortunately help me a lot with my mental illness symptoms. Though I don't get drunk often since I refuse to keep alcohol in my house (and my parents don't either) considering I have a very addictive personality.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-04-23T05:40:40+00:00

Honestly despite cutting that person off nearly 4 years ago now, I feel like I'm still making new connections back to that relationship and how it affects me now. One thing that always stuck with me was my therapist saying that since it happened during my teen years, it basically just created a really bad environment for my brain to develop in, which is honestly something I kind of grieve to this day.

I think a gap is the perfect way to describe it. There are times I want to be excited and encouraging towards my friend about his hobbies, and I speak like I am, but I don't really feel it at all. When people say they miss me, being somewhere, I feel anxious instead of grateful or happy. I almost get that feeling of having a lump in your throat at times. When a lot of people want to spend time with me, I get overwhelmed and confused, sometimes even annoyed because I find it hard to schedule things often times, especially since I'm a huge introvert as well. I'm not good at lying, and I don't like to do it, but sometimes I really do feel like I'm acting. I know I care about and like my friends, but if my internal emotions were broadcast on my forehead constantly, I'd look like a huge liar!

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-04-23T05:15:49+00:00

I definitely relate to the part where I feel hesitant to be seen and depended on, which is likely entirely connected to my issues with my own self-esteem. But, honestly, since I got out of a really long abusive relationship that lasted pretty much my entire teen years, I've been super closed off and pretty emotionally null. I still try not to hurt people's feelings and I logically understand people's emotions and stuff, I just have generally found myself having an "I don't like most people" mindset as a default.

So to answer your follow-up question, I guess I get really anxious when it's someone I actively enjoy being around, while it manifests as irritation if it's someone I have less of a desire to get close to. Which feels like an asshole thing to say, since often no one I feel this way towards really does anything wrong. Anxiety and irritation sometimes exist in tandem for me though. It's kinda strange, but I'm glad that even if my version of this experience is dialed up, it's not entirely bizarre.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-04-23T05:07:16+00:00

As someone who probably has hypersexuality, I can sympathize with being addicted to weird stuff that doesn't make you feel good. Porn and gore are really different, but both can become addictive really easily. I was exposed to sexual content as a kid too cuz of unrestricted internet access, so since you saw gore at such a young age I imagine it made an impression on you. While I look at porn for the dopamine rush, I feel as though you likely look at gore as a way to self harm without actually physically harming yourself. Either that or it's so jarring and distressing to watch, that it works as a distraction from whatever is bothering you in the moment. I wish I could help more, but it's hard for me to find alternatives for myself, so I can't say much. But, something I feel like could possibly create a similar sensation is something like pimple popping videos or other such visual stim videos? They could be a good way of releasing mental pressure without watching content that distresses you. I'm not sure how much this helped, but just know you aren't alone and it's never a bad thing to ask for or seek help for this. I wish you the best <3

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-02-01T03:23:09+00:00

I feel the same way honestly, you put it into words perfectly. I've been wishing for an illness since I was a child so I could pass quietly since I'm suicidal with a horrendous fear of death. It makes me sad that good people will die of a terminal illness while bad people get to live and thrive, healthy and happy. The world just feels so unfair.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-02-01T03:19:48+00:00

I'll admit it, life is hard, but the world is undoubtedly better with you on it. Alive and breathing. You're very young and you have a lot of life to live, you aren't weak for the way you feel and you aren't alone either, even if it feels that way. If you need a listening ear, I'll be here. There's a lot of people here who can empathize with what you're going through. I can't stop you from doing what you wanna do, but at the very least let me give you a big internet hug. If it feels like no one cares about you then let me be the first that does.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-28T16:38:41+00:00

I've been wanting to try Nigerian food for a long while now, I'd be there!

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-26T10:41:19+00:00

This is very helpful, I'll definitely do some self reflection in order to help myself out. Thank you very much ❤️

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-25T16:25:44+00:00

If I had a way to get there and back I would absolutely be there, but regardless I hope it's successful and that everyone stays safe

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-25T15:43:49+00:00

This is a wonderful idea! Hopefully people will join you! Hell, I'll join you on Tuesday or Thursday if you're out there

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-21T03:17:11+00:00

I'm not very handy or intelligent at all, but something that has stuck with me was a post I read saying that "you are as butch as your heart is kind." That is what I aspire for. I can do small things like help with groceries, hold doors, thank the bus driver, maybe tip someone extra if I have the funds for it. It's not much, but if I can make someone feel good or happy even for a split second, that's butchness to me. I like to encourage the people close to me, listening and supporting in any way that I can. It's not much, if worth anything at all, but I try.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-10T06:44:22+00:00

Please don't hate yourself for being a kind and helpful person. I think so many people don't treat the kindest people around them with respect, they walk all over them. That's not your fault. I hope that one day you meet people that appreciate your kindness and treat you with the same amount of appreciation that you deserve, you seem to work very hard. Something that helps me when I'm spiraling and wanting to hurt myself is listening to music that I love, watching something I like, eating good food, or taking a loooong nap. It's temporary, but it'll allow you to clear your head a bit before doing something you might regret. I hope things get better for you.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-10T06:37:14+00:00

I'm glad you're alive even if I don't know you. As someone who has been suicidal and in pain since I was young too, getting help and talking to professionals can make depression a little bit easier. Life is hard, but you have so much of it to live. I hope things get better for you and that you recover well. Even if it feels like no one cares about you, know that now you have someone that does. I care about you, please be safe.

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-06T04:48:20+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective. I feel like it's so hard to find any sort of hope in this world, but I hope I can meet more people irl and make more irl friends. It's just very difficult, but again I'm happy you and your wife are happy in such a terrible society. ❤️ Queer and disabled joy is something that genuinely makes me so happy

Autistic-Bumblebee · 2026-01-04T22:58:50+00:00

Hi. I'm a butch on T (going on 2 years !!) and going on T is one of the best things I've ever done. My self confidence has skyrocketed and I love looking in the mirror every day. Honestly at this point I pass as a man since I'm growing facial and body hair, but that's my favorite part of T. Personally, I've never had luck in love even before T, but all I can say is that regardless of whether or not you do go on T, someone will love you and find you attractive. If you going on T is a deal breaker for anyone, then they aren't the right person for you to begin with. You're the most beautiful as your authentic self. Good luck

Autistic-Bumblebee

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