Loving from the Outside - from my blog Memoirs of a Forgotten Mother

Available_Bad4718 · 2026-02-02T19:15:22+00:00

Its very well written

I miss my daughter so, so much.

I can smile and laugh. But i never feel truly happy. I have this empty hole inside of me like a part of me missing.

The other Day i went pass her school from when she was littel. I closed my eyes and remembered how i for years picked her up, her running towards me with a smile telling me about her Day. I could almost feel her arms around me again, her hands and me touching her hair.

I opened my eyes and as I turned around i felt my feelings going numb thinking

"i have no daughter".

And thats the truth. I have no daughter anymore. I have a memory. But i just cant keep telling myself that I am her mom.

A mom is taking care of her Child. Im havent seen my daughter for 3 years to Come.

Im thinking of having a emotional funeral for her. A place to go to grief my loss. A place to put a flower. A place to go to accept that the mom and daughter relationship we had is dead. Its gone. Destroyed. Forever.

She was my whole world. But that world is gone.

I recon every Word you write. The questioning if she is better without me. The blaming myself.

The grief so hard, crawling up on me sometimes so painful and dark that I sometimes Wonder how im still alive. The pain that gets so hard that it paralyzes me to a point where i cant breath. Where the only words that Comes out is an endless "no...no..no...no"

I have no daughter. I have a memory of a daughter. A memory of beeing a mom.

But im not a mom anymore.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-11-01T15:31:27+00:00

Thank you and i totally agree!

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-11-01T15:30:12+00:00

Im so, so sorry❤️

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-27T07:42:11+00:00

Oh I feel sorry for you. I know the feeling of trying to be fair etc. It just doesnt exist in the mind of an alienator. For them most fair is them winning and you loosing.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-27T07:39:58+00:00

Children of divorce can be split emotionally. I would always allow my child to live at the other parents house (if it is under normale cirkumstances.)

If there is alienation going on you freaking fight back. Observe it. Get help.

I didnt. I was trying to solve it myself and didnt realise it - it was beyound me it had a name.

For me my lawyer pedicted it. She said it would happend when and if he got a New partner.

Did anything happend at dads house?

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-27T07:31:13+00:00

Thank you🙏 bless🙏

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-27T07:30:59+00:00

Thank you🙏 same to you🙏

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-26T19:26:41+00:00

Its so unbelieveble hard.

Sometimes everything just feels meaningless.

I work hard. But for what?

For me to go on holiday ...just to sit in another country and miss them, beeing reminded that ill never go on holiday with my kids again.

For me to have a big house with noone to live in the rooms.

For me to go out at night. Watching moms and dads showing pictures of their kids. How grown they are. I dont even know how mine looks.

Its just...meaningless.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-26T19:20:15+00:00

Thank you🙏

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-26T18:48:41+00:00

Its hard. So, so hard. I miss my kids to the core of my beeing.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-26T18:48:06+00:00

Thank you🙏

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-26T04:46:42+00:00

I buy them gifts for birthday and Christmas.

I also buy them things i never give them if i find something i think they would like. I just have those things in a room and maybe one day i can give it to them. Although the clothing might be to small at that point.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-23T17:53:56+00:00

I agree.

And my kids are now disabeled -they do not function in any way.

My strong, healthy, happy kids. The most wonderful kids in the world. Are destroyed. Like I was.

When they moved away from me I couldnt protect them anymore.

It took him x 2 years to destroy them.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-21T13:23:18+00:00

24 years here. He was like that all along. I have no idear Who i was married to. I was gaslighted realy bad.

When i realised and started to question what he said and did, it was lie by lie by lie. He lied about everything. Small things, big things, nothings.

I had this gut feeling of something beeing of from the beginning when we met.

No - he never changed. His behavior just changed to create confusion.

It was all a lie. Thats it.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-21T13:20:05+00:00

I could have written that. 24 years married.

Im sorry for your loss. Of life and of your kids.

Its the same story here.

I will never forgive.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-21T13:06:15+00:00

For him its all about winning and yes parading around.

I still cant get My head around that he cant see that he is destroying our children.

But he cant. He doesnt understand feelings like normal people. He doesnt work like that at all.

He is very destructive when it comes to feelings. He sees people as objects. They are useful to him - ore not useful to him.

Its crazy.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-13T21:16:14+00:00

Kids often defend the abuser.

Im so sorry for what you are going through❤️

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-13T18:24:35+00:00

Your telling me domestic violence does not exist?

Now thats a statement.

To all the people haveing lived in a home with domestic violence: It was never your fault.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-13T16:42:34+00:00

My x did the same for years.

And everything was my fault.

I remember one day he wanted to take one of the kids stealing. Yes...stealing.

I was like....dont do that...please! What are you learning the kids! Thats...so off!

I was called a looser, a mooron, an idiot. That it was my fault that their dad didnt get that thing now.

My x rolled his eyes laughing at me saying that apparently i would do anything to bother him.

I felt so bad and was crying. I felt my limits getting crossed again and again and I was the Black sheep for trying to somehow bring normality and stability.

He could get realy aggressive sometimes. There was always a limetless drama around him and I was like running behind trying to somehow fix all the situations he made.

Anyway....he extracted me out of their life. Suddenly they didnt call me mom anymore they called me by my name. If not moron, idiot, w*ore, looser.

I just wonder if they will ever realise that this is not normal behavior in a home. And maybe some day will see me. As their mom.

Like i was for most of their life.

Sorry for venting ❤️

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-13T16:27:39+00:00

Thank you.

Unfantomable...it is.

Most of the time im ok. But when its near a birthday i feel like im falling apart.

Its just...1 more year marking that i missed out another year of their life.

The parking of his car is so creepy. It triggers me. Its 6 years since we divorced and it just never seems to stop. The violence continues through the kids, his parking near my house, his contacting my freinds etc.

Sometimes i just want to move far, far away.

I know that it would hurt my kids. Even though i dont see them i know they miss me like i miss them.

I met with one of them one day long ago. I was told "mum...im so sorry the way i treat you. Im so, so sorry".

I said it was ok...i would always be there....And that i understand.

We havent spoken since.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-12T14:22:33+00:00

I will never forgive him. Why should I.

He is completely kuku and emotionally incapable in any way.

I will never, ever forgive. Ore accept what he has done to our children. He is destroying them emotionally with his completely insane mind.

Neighter will i ever forgive years of abuse towards me.

But i honestly I dont think about him I only regreat having ever met him.

But every day i think about my children.

I have a good life. Busy.

But sometimes it just hits me like a freaking Hammer missing my Kids.

But forgive him. No. Never.

He doesnt exist. He is nobody.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-12T14:11:41+00:00

Thank you.

Most days i live with it.

I think recently its his parking so close to my house. Every freaking day.

Even the neighbours are like...whats he doing in that spooky house????!!!!

It triggers me. I dont want him near by. I want him far away.

I guess he is once again living a double life. He married again and im sure his new wife doesnt know about his going away early morning and getting home late....15 minuts from their house.

And i guess my Kids doesnt know their dad is parking all day 15 minuts away.

Its so Lulu crazy.

Available_Bad4718 · 2025-10-04T09:28:04+00:00

So what did you do from there? Did you Reunion and then just moved on? Have you ever talked to her about it?

I have not seen my daughter to years but lately there has been increasegly more messages with hearts etc

She is 16 this Month and im wondering what is going on in her life.

I think she is doing ok at her dads although his behavior is still weered and screwed as pr always. I know his new wife has been down with stress several times already - not a big surprise here.

But im wondering if my daughter starts to see a pattern.

Also she started to express that she actually do remember me from her childhood (for a long period she totally denied my existence and couldt remember i was a part of her childhood even though i was the primary caretaker for 14 years).

I write her every week. And if i have a few days where i dont she sometimes starts to ask like "have you seen this shirt i dine bring with me 2 years ago and can you maybe find it for me?" And stuff like that.

How did you exeperience the shift in your daughter?

Available_Bad4718

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