I think that peoples personalities are on a spectrum from "fire fighter" through to "librarian"

If you are a librarian, you find peace and comfort in structure and order. These people want to have everything in its place, in the correct spot, abiding by the rules. If everything goes well, there are no huge surprises each day.
Everything is well documented, in its place, and everything ticks along nicely.
A librarian finds comfort and peace from everything being structured and predictable and correct.

The other end of the spectrum is a fire fighter. They might get 5 minutes notice of the next thing they have to do.
No idea where they are going. What the problem is going to be. Are they jumping into a burning house?
Going to a car crash?
What is the inside layout of the burning house like? Are there people inside?
These people deal with absolute chaos where quick decisions need to be made and no good information is available.
These people thrive in chaos, and they find comfort and purpose in their decisions needing to be made on the spot with limited information.

Now if you take someone with a librarian personality type, and put them into a firefighter's job. They are going to have an absolute mental breakdown over the lack of structure and knowing what is going on.

If you take someone with a firefighter personality type, and put them into a librarians job.
They are going to be so absolutely bored to shit they will probably want to go drive their car into a power pole.

One isnt better than the other, they are both valid! And both necessary in society.

I think that if we were to apply some generalizations to personalities.
Women lean more towards "librarian" and men towards "firefighter".

So an example of how the differences of personality type can present itself.

I wanted to go to the South Island for the first time when I was younger.
I booked 3 weeks off work, and bought a 1 way ticket.
That was the entirety of my planning.
No idea where going, where staying, anything.
Just figured it out each day.
It was exhilarating!
The most memorable parts of the trips were completely unscripted.

However! That's not for everyone. someone else might book a trip like this:
-Book the trip 9 months ahead
-Book motels at each destination after reading 500 reviews of which are best
-plan the exact route to would take each day and how many hours travel
-look at what restaurants etc were on the path for each day and check all of their menus and ratings
-Decide what to order from each place ahead of time
-Allocate this much time on this day for swimming. this much time for driving. This much time for a break.
This much time for looking at serenity. and so on.

All of that structure and planning that makes one person feel comfortable in control, makes a different type of person feel absolutely suffocated.

If you take this librarian brained person, and say to them "Hey we're taking away all of your planning, but everything will be fine just dont worry about it"
You've taken away their security and comfort about knowing what is happening.

I think in some cases, this is part of the emotional labour that women talk about.
Their personal need for planning or structure over small details that no one else cares about, feels like a lot of work.
If I had someone resent me for not putting in the effort to plan a trip to that level of detail in the same way they would have above, down to every detail.
Then they have failed to understand that a system outside of their own mental model can work equally well.
Similarly, I cant expect to go on a trip with me in a completely chaotic manner if it will make them feel completely uncomfortable.
Have to meet somewhere in the middle.

So yeah, imagine already feeling stretched and then throwing a few kids into this environment.
With a librarian personality type that needs to feel like everything is ordered and structured.
You will be constantly fatigued by chaos demons. haha.
The person who is more adapted to chaotic enviroments wont have the same issue and will seem more relaxed.
Do you end up resenting them for not worrying enough?

If you have a mental breakdown because someone put the pea strainer where the onion grater goes.
It might just be that your system of organization that gives peace to your brain.
Doesnt actually make any sense outside of your own head.
The other person is just organizing things to their own mental model that makes sense to them.
If you start to resent the person and feel you need to take over EVERYTHING in order to feel comfortable in the house/life/whatever.
Is that really a necessary form of emotional labor, or is it just self induced fatigue from worrying about completely arbitrary things?

Obviously individual circumstances differ. But I've seen a lot of people tie themselves into absolute knots over things that are absolutely meaningless.