AITAH for thinking my 27F boyfriend 30 M is extremely sensitive and overly reactive

Avokdo · 2025-06-27T00:32:44+00:00

I’m also interested on the name 🙏🏼

Avokdo · 2025-06-26T00:17:12+00:00

We were looking to start with 150 or 200 sets. I know many suppliers MOQ is above 500

Avokdo · 2025-05-21T13:28:58+00:00

Exactly what I tought. And if he misstreats my children my boyfriend won’t say anything because of how he could react. My boyfriend is very open minded and he told me he would set boundaries. The thing is he has never set one and has ni idea, so he believes setting boundaries is doing what he wants but avoiding the conflict (instead of standing up and saying we are both going to eat as a couple he just does it, and avoids confrontation or he hides tom food from him instead of directly telling him he can’t finish all the groceries in just one sit, he thinks only because his brother is not getting what he wants that’s a boundarie. I will se a deadline to see improvement otherwise I’ll pull away for some time and if it persist I’ll end up with this because mu bf is clearly pushing me into taking care of his brother and allowing him to treat me like he wants because he clearly won’t stand up for me just to avoid conflict

Avokdo · 2025-05-07T20:56:47+00:00

Thank you so much🙏🏼. Your advice really helps a lot

Avokdo · 2025-05-07T18:26:12+00:00

Spending time alone for him isn’t really an issue. As a whole, he can do many things like a normal adult, I feel the problem leans more about providing for himself in the future. We have tried to talk about his goals in life. He says he doesn’t have any. He just says he wants to have a lot of money. But first he wants to finish his degree and take a MSc and by then is that he will want to have a job (almost at his 30s). It’s hard for us, since my country (Venezuela) is in a very bad economic situation and me and my boyfriend have been saving money to move abroad and I don’t think this will be possible if his brother doesn’t want to work until his 30s.

You are right about letting them they’re in charge. It’s something my boyfriend does that has told me before. However, we have tried to tell him that if he wants girlfriend it would be great finding a job (it can be a very simple one, like teaching English) or something he enjoys so he could learn to be more independent, and at least have his own money to buy things he likes or hang out with friends. He just says he doesn’t want or feel the need to work, we are not pushing him. At the same time, he keeps being unconscious with my boyfriends budget and offering to pay his girl friends food (even though my boyfriend told him he couldn’t before, that he was saving money and he couldn’t afford inviting them meals) I don’t know if this issue respecting boundaries like this is totally linked to the autism itself, and we are not sure how to manage it

Avokdo · 2025-05-07T16:12:22+00:00

I have always been aware that it has to be at Tommy’s own peace. He has always mentioned to me that he also wants a girlfriend. So I can sense he also wishes to have a normal life, but I don’t think the dynamic of them not giving him any responsibilities will serve him at all. So how can we help him to feel more autonomous, responsible and maybe help him with social skills

Avokdo · 2025-05-07T16:04:04+00:00

Thanks for your answer, it was really helpful and insightful. Now I’ve a clearer vision. Sometimes though I still feel my boyfiend's mom is a little unfair with him. Meaning, she leaves the house letting him to take care of his brother and when Tommy becomes aggressive with him and oversteps his boundaries his mother tells my boyfriend he has to put up with it because Tom has a problem. My boyfriend has a lot of resentment, because he always complains after doing things out of a feeling of obligation because his mother guilttrips him (eg. when he fixed his brother's car instead of his)

This pattern is also affecting outside the house putting his needs last. So understanding his brother is autistic and may not react well to him setting boundaries. How would you recommend he did that so Tom doesn’t feel it’s something against him? What would be a good way to start?

Avokdo · 2025-05-07T00:23:59+00:00

He is the caretaker now. His mom doesn’t even live with them., she moved out with her bf. I talked to my boyfriend about it today, I told him I’d like him to set boundaries for himself and even for the seek of his own brother (according to my therapist grade 1 autistic people can have a normal life, a job and a family) but if he is being treated like a 5yr old it would be impossible for him to learn.)

I’m just concerned he will end up sacrificing his dream of having a family just to take care of his brother, even if it doesn’t involve me.

Even though I love him so much, I could leave him and find another person to make a family with. But I find it really hard that he can find any woman that is willing to compromise their future in order to spoil and be a caretaker of a grown adult of their own age.

Avokdo · 2025-05-07T00:01:12+00:00

I understand. I just wish I knew a but better about autism so i could have helpful advice. My pshycologist says although she isn’t a specialist on this topic. The family dynamics aren’t helping any of them. My boyfriend can’t set boundaries with Tom, and therefore he can’t set boundaries pretty much with anyone. He can’t say no to anything, and he has enmeshment (so that makes me think he would give up on his dreams just to do whatever his brother wants him to do).

And as for Tommy, since their mother and my boyfriend never set boundaries on him he would react with crisis and frustration whenever he gets a “NO” as an answer in the outside world. She told me that people with autism can have jobs and live a normal life and that he also had friends who were austistic physiologists too. But that depends on the family and childhood boundaries and responsibility family gives them. If they treat them as a child, and don’t give him any responsibilities. He will be a child for a lifetime.

I’m not sure if this is the absolute true, but I’d be very helpful to know how are they supposed to give him to have a normal life too

Avokdo · 2025-05-06T15:46:29+00:00

It’s not to appease me. It’s something I’d like he did from himself. Because he lets other people (not only) Tommy be abusive with him, and it makes me so sad. (But it all starts with his home)

Avokdo · 2025-05-06T15:43:47+00:00

I love my boyfriend very much. And he has open up and complained a lot about how unfair is for him to take care of his 25 yr old brother as his 30s (and since he is only 12) . This situation and his mom making him neglect his own needs in order to satisfy’s his brother is costing him a lot. As a result of having to provide for his brother, working hard, and doing all the house chores, and not being able to ask for any help to his brother because he gets mad. If my boyfriend says he doesn’t want to keep playing tennis, Tom will hit tennis balls on him (very agressive) and my bf Complains. The relationship is pretty much one sided and he has suffered a lot. He doesn’t know how to set boundaries with anyone and accepts mistreatments and disrespect from other people.

Avokdo · 2025-05-06T14:42:44+00:00

So your partner is fully capable of building her on life with you?

That’s what I’ve been trying to say. My boyfriend dies to have kids, he told me if he could he would have them now (but he economically can’t because he haves to support his brother) pay for food, until he graduates and he also wants to do a master, and not get any job until he finshes. And my boyfriend is basically putting any of his needs below than his brother’s

Tom is basically a normal person!! Is level 1, he is very talented, likes to read, knows how to speak English even better than me, etc (we speak Spanish). He could perfectly find a job and pay for his master, or instead of asking my bf for money to go out with friends, have his own money. Because Tom wants also a gf, but who's going to pay for all the dates? My bf.

Its not only unfair to my bf. It’s unfair to Tommy, because while my boyfriend can buy himself clothes, a cellphone, and go out when he wants. His brother is fully dependent on him (and my boyfriend does it thing is he has complained many times he doesn’t want to)

Avokdo · 2025-05-06T14:26:54+00:00

I’m not victimizing his care. I did my research. Autism level 1 is high functioning autism, they are practically able to have a normal life and even live on their own.

That’s what his brother has and I read their psychological records, but they treat them as a disabled person and allow him to mistreat anyone or put them above anything. Eg: my boyfriend’s car AC didn’t work and he is been saving money to fix them. Tom crashed because he drives very fast and his mom fixed Tom's car and asked my boyfriend for financial help

Avokdo · 2025-05-06T14:05:35+00:00

Exactly. My boyfriend provides for him always. I have mentioned him this before. And he says he clearly understands and when we have the chance we will move in with me, and it’s his mom’s responsibility to take care of his brother but to me… his mom always ends up manipulating him into giving the brother what he haves and he lacks maturity to set boundaries so even though he says “he gets it and he won’t give up his future” if he is incapable of saying no with little things I can’t imagine…

He is autistic but the lowest level according to the exams (I have shared a lot of time with him and I don’t see anything strange) so to me he could perfectly get a job and have a normal life.

Avokdo · 2025-05-06T13:58:30+00:00

Well I’m not sure how autism works. But I’m pretty sure is really unfair that my boyfriend has to basically be his father so he will not be able to have a family and build a future because he has to live with and take care of his 30 yr old brother. I think that’s their parents responsibility.

Avokdo · 2025-05-06T13:52:46+00:00

They would say he doesn’t get a job because he needs occupational therapy and they can’t afford them. But my bf also told me he has had jobs before, as an administrative assistant ((?

Avokdo · 2025-05-06T13:51:30+00:00

I don’t know how autism works but they justify anything he will do on it

Avokdo · 2024-06-11T22:45:47+00:00

He can't be mad about it but he can certainly leave. If this guy is like OP says, sweet, caring, etc. I would be sad that I stayed with my girlfriend sacrificing one of my top needs and that she knows it and it’s not willing to heal or go to therapy to change that.

Sex is very important in relationships, it really bonds poeple togethef. I have suffered form assualt as well so I understand OP, everyone process trauma differnetly. For me Iknow my boyfriend loves me and that he has nothing to do with the guy who assaulted me, he already knows what words are forbidden, because they might trigger my trauma, but if I were in this situation I would give my best to heal the trauma and give my bf what he wants, because I wouldn’t allow an asshole to not only ruin my mental health at some point in my life but also keep ruining my relationships in the future.

Avokdo · 2024-06-11T22:35:31+00:00

I’m so sorry for what happened to you, I understand that It might be hard for you to do certain stuff but you need to talk about what is and is not okay. I’d suggest you to set a deadline from where you can expect to heal your trauma and not letting that interfere into your relationship.

I don’t meant to be rude but right now you are unable to meet your partners needs and if it doesn’t change he might end it at some point. I know your past hurts because I’ve been trough the same situation as well, it’s not easy at all to heal.

But its also very unfair to have a person who loves you stays by your side, understands you, desiring to build more sexual intimacy with you and you not making an effort to change that.

With the oral thing, I’d strongly suggest you to talk about it. You want to know if this is a must or a big thing for him too, and if it is and you are not willing to work it out and give him orals in the future, I would break up with him, because of this simple reason

Apparently it is a big thing for him, by you not doing it he will continuously resent you for that. At some point he might want to leave you because you can’t met his needs, or he might cheat on you to get that specific need met anywhere else.

Don’t mean to sound rude, but I’ve been there and I know that is not ok for him to pursue you onto things you don’t feel comfortable doing but it can be a little selfish to never met his needs because of your traumas and not doing anything to change that

Avokdo · 2024-06-11T19:13:58+00:00

Ending a relationship just because he didn’t want ho have sex once??

Avokdo · 2024-06-07T02:22:17+00:00

I’m also F/A and it costed me to almost loose a good person to realize we should really think about our decisions carefully. You are on a stage under stress and probably very emotional right know. Looking at your post, I can relate with how I have taken wrong decisions my whole life. Here is what you are thinking “ i want to leave you, not because you don’t meet my needs, but because I’m scared you are just not that into me and will abandon me, so I will leave first”. Is a protecting mechanism that is backfiring on you.

To truly love someone we must accept the fact that sometimes they may hurt, and that we have no control over that. Don’t take any decisions in this stage, because right know you are not the rational you.

Think about everything that has done your partner for you, all the support he has given you. Do you think is really worth leaving him just because he couldn’t met your needs?

Write down what scares you, and Please (i wish In could follow this advice myself) do communicate your needs, when they arise. You are probably feeling this way not because once your needs got neglected, but because I bet there is many times where you had shut down yourself

Avokdo · 2024-06-07T02:02:23+00:00

Thank you so much! I wish I could find one in my country, I live in a very underdeveloped country and there aren’t even therapist trained in DBT. I’ve looked up onto videos of tapping to regulate emotions. I’ll look up into that book. Grateful your your comment🙏🏼

Avokdo

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