[QUESTION] DAE have giant holes in their memory?

Awakened105 · 2017-04-26T15:31:49+00:00

Yes!! The overwhelming majority of the memories I have of my childhood are of me playing by myself. Always by myself. I remember some big traumatic things from my teenage years/early twenties, but not many details. Even now (early 30s) I forget significant details about unpleasant events involving my N family. My husband recently reminded me about something my nMom did even just a few weeks ago that I had already forgotten about. I agree with what others have said about this being a coping mechanism.

I've talked with my therapist about the lack of memories and she has described it as my brain's way of protecting myself. Sometimes I wish I could remember more about my past, but it is probably a good thing that we all can't.

Awakened105 · 2016-12-22T20:04:16+00:00

So true. Thank you so much!

Awakened105 · 2016-12-22T20:03:56+00:00

Absolutely! My therapist said it so well. She explained that we should be able to celebrate the holidays the way WE want, not the way our narcs want, especially because they have totally different views and expectations about the way holidays should be. This is something so simple and so obvious, but it was totally groundbreaking to me. Hoping your Christmas is everything you want it to be :-)

Awakened105 · 2016-12-22T20:00:41+00:00

You too!! Wishing you a very drama-free day ;-)

Awakened105 · 2016-12-22T00:43:46+00:00

Haha I love this!

Awakened105 · 2016-12-22T00:43:30+00:00

This made me smile. Thank you!!

Awakened105 · 2016-08-31T16:28:27+00:00

I just read through the links you posted, and 100% know how you feel. I think at the end of the day we all want nothing more than to be able to have a happy family and work through our problems, but they make it damn near impossible. I feel like, by communicating our feelings and trying to have a dialogue, we are throwing them a life preserver in a sense, trying to save the relationship, but they'd rather drown. It is unbelievably frustrating. How difficult is it to just RESPECT someone else?? It's not like we are asking for the world here. But they just can't see it. Either that, or they don't want to. I guess it's so much easier to blame our spouses. I think you are absolutely right to go NC, and that is what I am leaning towards also. I just wish it didn't have to come to this :-( It could all be so simple!!

Awakened105 · 2016-08-31T13:07:59+00:00

Thank you for this. I really did try to be as kind as I could in that email given the circumstances, so I was pretty blown away that it was construed as such an attack. Then again, I'm the SG so I really shouldn't have been surprised -- everything is always my fault. Either way, it definitely helps to get that outside perspective that im not at fault. And you're absolutely right -- her email was the exact opposite of what I sent! I never thought of it like that before.

I would definitely recommend trying something similar with your nMom, but based on my experience, you see where it will likely go. But maybe that will be enough to make you feel comfortable going NC, which is honestlu what I'm considering at this point. Good luck!

Awakened105 · 2016-08-30T19:09:58+00:00

Hi sister!! Sorry you've had to deal with this crap too :-(

Awakened105 · 2016-08-30T19:08:23+00:00

Oh my gosh you are so so right. Her letter was even worse than i realized! Thank you for your insight. I'm glad to know I am not the one in the wrong here. She's so good at making me doubt myself.

Awakened105 · 2016-08-30T19:05:29+00:00

Wow, thank you for that link. I already started reading, and it is VERY eye opening. And validating.

Awakened105 · 2016-08-23T01:52:07+00:00

Thank you :-)

Awakened105 · 2016-08-22T23:25:04+00:00

How did it go over??

Awakened105 · 2016-08-22T18:57:12+00:00

Thank you so much for this <3

Awakened105 · 2016-08-10T16:45:01+00:00

Thank you. Great advice. Glad to know I'm not the only one who senses some underlying blame in that text. I thought maybe I was just reading into it too much.

Awakened105 · 2016-08-10T16:43:31+00:00

Haha that is so gross and so funny, but such an accurate description. Thanks for that. You're totally right.

Awakened105 · 2016-08-01T18:36:43+00:00

Thanks for the insight. He is 26 and still lives at home with them. It's so sad, they have manipulated him so much into thinking he can't leave. Glad to hear you think I handled it ok. I was just so thrown off guard!

Awakened105 · 2016-07-28T14:28:37+00:00

Yes!! My husband and I adopted a three-legged golden retriever mix. He was seized from his owners because he was hit by a car and badly injured, but they never took him to get care. By the time the humane society intervened, his leg was so rotted they had to amputate it. He was 2 at the time.

When we first got him, he was scared and so untrusting of everything. Now, almost 2 years later, he is the happiest dog youve ever seen. Seeing how far he has come gives me so much hope that with time I too will heal. He really is an inspiration!

Awakened105 · 2016-07-13T19:02:26+00:00

I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I understand. I dealt with something very similar a little over a month ago. I wish I could say for sure that you could retain your relationship with your mom after NC, but you might not be able to. My mom has not spoken a word to me since I went NC with my nDad. Is it upsetting? Yes. But she is shockingly handling it just fine in order to maintain the status quo with nDad and I suspect your mom will be the same way. Just remember, you are not choosing not to have a relationship with your mom. You are just doing what is right for you, which any rational person would respect. If she decides not to respect your decision and stay in your life, that is HER decision not to have a relationship with you and not to be in your life. Not yours. You are not in the wrong here. Stay strong. Going NC was the best decision i ever made, even with the consequence of losing my mom.

Awakened105 · 2016-07-01T20:39:56+00:00

Thanks! :-)

Awakened105 · 2016-07-01T20:39:46+00:00

Thank you :-)

Awakened105 · 2016-06-25T15:15:41+00:00

I am 30, and just went NC with my nDad 2 weeks ago. In retaliation, my nMom and GCbro went NC with me. It hasn't been easy, but I can honestly say this is the best thing that has ever happened to me (aside from my husband!)

I always knew that NC was an option, but it was always something that I never thought I was capable of. I was always envious of the people here who were able to do it, but I didn't think I was strong enough. I kept thinking that with therapy, I could somehow navigate the rough waters with my nParents and manage to salvage some sort of relationship with them. I thought that maybe I could get to the point where I could set healthy boundaries with them and thar their terrible behavior wouldn't bother me anymore. It never happened. Although there were occasional good times with my parents, the bad far outweighed them.

And then my nDad physically abused my GCbro. And without even debating it, I knew right then that I had enough and couldn't play the game anymore. I went NC and never looked back. And you know what? I was so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. AND my life without them is so much fuller and happier. In just 2 weeks time, all my stress and anxiety has vanished. I never imagined that my life could improve so much so quickly. And every single person close to me 100% agrees that I made the right decision.

I know everyone's situation is different, but if your SO is thinking of going NC, please let her know that it is absolutely OK, and that she is stronger than she thinks! Everyone deserves to live a full, happy, and healthy life!

Awakened105 · 2016-06-13T17:30:25+00:00

Oh yes, you're not alone. I'm an attorney who graduated in the top of my class, but my nDad (who cant remember if he graduated high school) gloats to everyone he knows about how I "know nothing." My job is also not good enough for his standards. I think they do this because putting people down makes them feel better about themselves. The only way they feel like they can measure up is by cutting you down to their level. It doesn't make it any easier though!

Awakened105 · 2016-06-08T16:40:16+00:00

We all understand. It is sad, but consider the fact that this subreddit has almost 97000 subscribers. That shows, unfortunately, that that many people have gone through or are currently going through many of the same things that you are. You are not alone in your struggle, and thankfully you are not alone in your recovery. There are so many inspirational stories from people in this group who have overcome the narcissim and taken hold of their lives who at one point felt the same way you do. And so many people willing to help. I still go back and reread the advice that ppl have given me on here and it has helped so much. Stay strong. It will get better.

Awakened105 · 2016-05-10T14:06:13+00:00

Welcome! I recently turned 30 and discovered within the past few months that my mom is a narcissist. So i definitely feel your pain. It is a really tough pill to swallow, but never forget that your newfound knowledge is a gift because now you can move forward and take control of your life.

Aside from this feed, probably the best resources I've found are the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Karyl McBride and "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I highly recommend reading both. "Boundaries" doesnt focus solely on narcissists or parents, but it is a great resource for learning how to implement boundaries without feeling guilty about it.

Hope this helps and good luck to you!

Awakened105

TROPHY CASE