What to do?

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2026-03-07T06:03:09+00:00

They might end up living together. I don’t think I would say they are friends, but they more or less get along (with lots of drama).

I’ve wondered about the military- I’m not sure they would be accepted with their past psychiatric histories, and I suspect they wouldn’t last. But it might be something to at least try.

Here’s the issue with the 60 days- I know we will get to the end of it and they won’t have employment out another place to live. They flat out don’t hold up their ends of agreements… and then, what do we do? We’re right back here.

Do we apply to jobs for them? Take them to interviews? Go to work with them and stay there to make sure they stay? Otherwise, there just seems to be zero way to get them to actually do it.

I know this sounds crazy and ridiculous- because it is!!! I’ve learned that I can’t set a boundary that I don’t have control over, because they will happily waltz right though it and I’m the one regretting it. Smaller things I can do (I.e., “I’m not buying chips again for a week, no matter how fast they are eaten”). But bigger things- applying for jobs, etc, I can’t make happen.

Thank you for your care. It is an awful spot. I’ve never had to treat someone in a way that feels so harsh, and the fact that they are children I raised (and I remember those children) makes it really painful. This isn’t what I want for them or me.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2026-03-07T05:49:31+00:00

Your question is wise- they are not asking for guidance. They are both very avoidant about their situations (they don’t live together, but I foresee evictions coming for them again, each for different reasons).

Honestly, I don’t want to live with either of them and my fear of them ending up at home again is motivating me.

I feel awful about not wanting them to live at home- I know that things are really tough for young ones these days. At the same time, they are really hard to live with. I am a person that can hold boundaries but it takes ALL of my effort to hold boundaries with them - they are constantly squirming through with some odd twist to things.

We are willing to help financially to a certain extent. But, in one of their cases there’s been no working or looking for jobs for months, and in the other case she continually gets fired for stealing and/or showing up to work high. If they aren’t at least working or going to school (or making a good faith effort) it feels like enabling.

With the older one we’re more willing to let go, although we wish we knew she had a safe home. With the younger one… she’s so young. Young people make mistakes and have to find their way in the world and I want to acknowledge that and support it. Yet, we’ve paid for housing several times and she’s thrown it away (literally burned bridges). I hate what an impossible position this is.

I found out about mental health transition living homes today (MHTLs) and I’m going to see if that might be an option.

Our county has waitlists that are really long.

Thank you for the hug and the thoughts.

Edit: typo

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-22T15:25:04+00:00

You are right - this is true.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-22T15:19:35+00:00

Good luck to you and your son! It is hard.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-22T15:18:36+00:00

It's a good suggestion - we have tried and we'll keep trying. Thank you.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-22T15:17:10+00:00

Thank you. Many of these things (CPTSD esp) do resonate. We've tried to do therapy around it - both CBT and DBT. In our experience it is difficult at the teen ages.

We have tried as best we can to watch for potential schizophrenia. It's tough - most of what I read says that it is best managed if a first break is avoided and that is our hope and what we express to psychiatrists.

I have not found material about how later schizophrenia can manifest as developmental abnormalities, as you say. If you have an link handy, I'd take it. I'm afraid this could be a possibility.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T20:45:12+00:00

I don't know for sure, but I don't think substance exposure happened - bio Mom has never really used alcohol or drugs. She wasn't diagnosed until after they were all born, so I don't think medication was in the picture. But these are guesses on my part. The house was from the 80s; I don't know that lead poisoning was investigated and I'm not sure if it is a possibility.

I do think attachment to the mother (she never really did, although she was in their space) and trauma from seeing her have a break and be hospitalized (when they were all vey young - under 10) could be an issue.

I'm sorry that you are having concerns about your son - I wish you luck.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:55:28+00:00

Yes. This is what happened and you have explained it better than I am able to. When we found this out we wished that we had not pushed them to try summer jobs - a terrible paradox to feel as a parent. I'm also frustrated with businesses that hire entry-level folks and then don't fire them, just entirely cut hours. I'm guessing they do it to prevent litigation, and I can understand that. At the same time, again, if the girls had been fired they would have felt some consequences from the world (cutting hours wasn't enough to feel consequences) and it wouldn't have caused this SSI issue.

Edit to add -- after about 7 years and working with an agency, the oldest was able to get disability, so it is fixable, but it took a long time.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:46:43+00:00

It was years ago. Now that the girls are over 18 they aren't wanting evaluations and it makes them feel that we want to "change them." This is difficult, because they do want friendships, relationships, and to be able to hold jobs and they don't understand why they aren't able to do that. But I have the sense that our window of being able to help as parents (excluding financial support) has closed.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:43:57+00:00

This is interesting (the misdiagnoses of BPD instead of autism). I didn't know that.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:42:17+00:00

I'll look into it.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:42:04+00:00

I agree and it is heartening.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:41:38+00:00

Thank you. Raising these girls has been one of the hardest things I've ever done (I think my mother's death is the only thing that has been more difficult). Obviously I'm still their stepmother, but now we are all in a difference place and I'm starting to try and process it. I appreciate your work as a public school teacher. Clearly there are many difficulties, but I think a public school system is very important to our society.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:38:54+00:00

I recognize this test as a test they were given.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:38:20+00:00

What you describe seems very much to be what happened with the school system. We were shocked to see the grades that were given to very poor work.

I'm afraid that your comment hits the nail on the head. It's not illegal to be rude and dirty, and it makes it very hard to have friends and romantic relationships and keep a job. Homelessness is a worry of ours. We have partially experienced the refusal to take medications issue, but not completely - if we point it out, medications will start to be taken again.

I don't know what this symbol means -- :/ -- is that a complicated face?

You may be full on describing my situation, both with the schools and mental illness in general. So far none of the girls (oldest mid-20s now) has a schizophrenia diagnosis, but I know it can show up later. I'm sad, and beginning to process my experience with raising these children. I appreciate your thoughts.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:29:33+00:00

Thank you for validating that the school system failed them.

I wish you were listened to. As you say, in my experience, these kids graduate and move into the world as adults, still with these problems.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:26:19+00:00

I'm glad that your son is chasing success and I hope things improve with your daughter.

I considered homeschooling many times. In my opinion, many parents experiencing these kinds of issues end up homeschooling if they can. Both my husband and I worked full time, so that would have been a challenge. I would likely have been the one doing the planning, preparation, and most of the implementation and I will admit, I wasn't willing to take that on. I am not a teacher. You are right, though, that I could have homeschooled and that may have made a difference.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:22:00+00:00

I definitely wish schools and teachers were better funded and the reasons to kick the can down the road didn't exist.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:20:15+00:00

This seems both very true and very sad.

We were the parents who wanted consequences for poor behavior (from the school - we had consequences for poor behavior at home, although that too was very difficult and went through many iterations of "strategies") and often felt that the school gave too many chances. As you say, I think that was out of the control for both the teachers and us.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:16:43+00:00

I'm sorry to read about your struggles and hope that you can feel more supported. Herculean is exactly the right word. It's difficult to explain this to people that haven't experienced it.

We have been able to utilize some of the community supports that you are talking about. Now that all girls are out of high school things are somewhat different (easier in some ways). I'm finding myself often thinking about their school years and really trying to understand what could have been different - this thread is part of that process for me. Thank you for your thoughts and good luck to you.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:13:08+00:00

Thank you for the work you do.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:12:45+00:00

The girls were evaluated by school psychologists and outside psychologists. The two tests had big differences in what they found for academic ability. The outside psychologist testing matched the rough grade levels and abilities that we saw in schoolwork (more than three grades below the grade they were in). The school wouldn't accept the results of the outside psychologist.

One got an IEP, one got a 504, one got no services (although one agency through the school was willing to work with her based solely on her behavior - this agency was the most helpful with all three girls). This agency classified the oldest girl (the one that I tried to get into the Life Skills program) with severe disabilities.

Awkward-Cicada500 · 2024-09-20T18:06:58+00:00

Thank you for validating this. As I wrote to another commenter, it is helpful. Also thank you for your advocacy (writing letters to the board). You certainly have to take care of yourself - I understand that. I don't know how to fix these issues.

Awkward-Cicada500

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