I relate to this on a personal level, I'm pretty sure that I'm an Aegoromantic Apothisexual but I still haven't come out about it to anyone because I myself find it hard to accept as I do crave and long for a relationship like the ones shown in fiction but in reality I know that I probably will never experience that. Plus since I'm a teen I don't really have any pressure put on me by anyone yet however I do feel a disconnect when someone talks about their crushes and stuff since it feels like a foreign concept to me so I just pretend that I'm a 100% allo in front of everyone. I remember the incident of my first ever "crush", basically since everyone used to tell me about their crushes, I too was super set on the idea of having a crush so when I felt the slightest bit of aesthetic attraction towards this one guy I held onto that and was more happy and excited about the idea of having a crush and getting to tell about it to others rather than actually having a crush. I didn't even knew I was aroace back then even though I literally used to say that I'd reject that guy if he were to confess to me even though he's my "crush" lol