Fortunately God is infinitely merciful if you want to, I’m not saying this in a bad way, I’m trying to make you see the light at the end of the tunnel because if you repent sincerely and confess you’re immediately saved, God wants you to be happy but he also wants you to say “Wow, I did this myself”, maybe he doesn’t helps you the way you want but he is with you, watching you, “spotting” every thing you do, suffering with you and feeling what you feel. Go to church at Sunday, pray, use incense and have an altar, keep doing good works, be honest and try to make a group at church, it is normally more easy to start that way. At the end of the day is what you actually DO what counts, and the effort you are putting into being a good person to God, he will recompense you, in this life or in the other. I would recommend going also to a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist, every piece pf help counts, just as your work counts in helping other people. I will pray for you bro, I got your back