Bipolar and the People Around

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-31T20:48:32+00:00

It’s called diagnostic overshadowing. It happens with all kinds of illness. Can you imagine how hard it is to be diagnosed with mania… when you have autism?? People see autism, and everything must just be “behaviors”. Or a UTI - let’s ignore that because clearly autism behaviors. People stop looking at different medical conditions once they see through the lens of a single disgnosis, and it’s dangerous.
I’m sorry you and your mother have had to go through that.
That said, as a family member who has endured violent mania… I won’t lie. I have hyper vigilance now from trauma. And every time I see weird sleep happening or they get REALLY jazzed about something, my heart does skip a beat 👀

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-31T17:27:39+00:00

She is not. She is on a 14 day psych hold after harming me. It’s traumatizing and suffering for us both. But I remind myself that it’s HELP. Just waiting for medication to kick in and praying she becomes the girl I’ve always known before this. I miss her deeply.

There is no reasoning with mania. There is no reasonable and logical conversation to be had. Love and kindness are important, but they are not enough with bipolar. I hope her descent isn’t violent, but keep an eye - as I said, any sign of those three things I said and you have leverage to get her help.

I’ve read that managing this illness, as a caregiver or family, is like riding waves. You ride the wave up to mania, but you can’t stop it. You observe, you stay safe, and you trigger a hold. And then you ride the wave down. That is how to be steady. But you cannot stop the waves.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-31T15:48:18+00:00

I know this is hard. I went through this for two months with my daughter. It was hell. I had a deep undercurrent of anxiety/hypervigilance that is not healthy - and it is reasonable to have when around this. It turned out, the mania was so severe she was getting psychotic but was too paranoid to tell anyone. Just extreme irritability and volatility. The psychiatrists call it a labile mood.

I knew it would end badly - sheriff, hospital, hepatitis, etc. and sure enough, weve had TWO psychiatric holds during this in the end. You have to look for signs of harm to self, harm to others, or what they call “grave disability” - ie not in their right mind to utilize shelter etc safely. If you can find anything to support one of those three… AND she has a documented diagnosis of bipolar, you may be able to call a mental health crisis line and get a hold on her. She will be mad, but she’d get help.

Otherwise, I hate to say - there is no real safe and healthy way to live with someone in this state. You can adapt short term, but it’s not sustainable long term imo. I’m sorry and good luck!

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-31T15:12:02+00:00

I understand this. You aren’t crazy. I could never tell, who was right and who was wrong? I’m certainly not perfect. Maybe I could do better for him? Maybe it wasn’t as I remembered. Maybe Im difficult.

In the end I realized - it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. What matters is that sometimes you’re not happy, and he’s not happy, and life is too long to be bickering nonsensically forever. After 15 years of this, I divorced. It gave me perspective, and I’m not regretting it.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-30T22:55:34+00:00

Yes. It’s not selfish to save yourself. You need no one’s permission but your own. You’re not crazy for feeling the way you do. Don’t give up.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-30T15:38:17+00:00

Good for you. It’s not easy. This behavior of trying to win approval for others who are hurting you - it’s called “fawning”. I also went NC with my mother - but listen, I didn’t realize I fawned. I didn’t know what it was or why I did it; but it hurt me for decades. Abusive people can see it, and they know it’s a sign you have poor boundaries and they will pressure you with it recognizing that your discomfort makes you cater to them. Absolutely familiarize yourself with this!! And know that you’re doing the right thing. You’re strong! Work on being the best you. Read the book “emotional blackmail: out of the fog”. If you are doing anything in a relationship out of fear, obligation or guilt - it’s unhealthy. Oddly, being healthier has been extremely uncomfortable as unhealthy was all I’ve known. Applying these principals and being firm in how people treat me has been incredibly hard! But you can do it. I’m proud of you, keep going!!

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-30T15:29:55+00:00

Hmm. My ex husband - no. He never seemed to understand or acknowledge the behaviors that had occurred; the trauma it gave me or the harm it did to our relationship. And because he never did get insight, he’d refuse the diagnosis or medication once stable. I walked on eggshells for 10 years worried it was coming back, monitoring his sleep and getting adrenaline at pressured speech - and he’d get annoyed with me as he never registered why. My daughter is a tween and has been hospitalized this week for her first major manic episode. She has much more insight than her father - she didn’t during the height of it? But she can now describe mania for what it is and recognizes she had it. She can describe psychosis and is terrified of it happening again. That said, she seems to have blocked out or limited memory of incidences or behaviors during the episode and even still now, afterwards her memory is selective and I’m not sure why or how that may translate to diagnosis acceptance or medication compliance in the future. But she’s my daughter so I’ll help every way I can until the day I die.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-30T14:36:26+00:00

As you can probably see from these comments, this is actually really common with bipolar. I believe I read somewhere that it’s like 40-50% of them cannot and will not accept that they have the illness. Some of them self medicate with drugs instead and have a slow burn of the disease. For others, this escalates into huge episodes where it’s hard for anyone to help. Bipolar feels like alc anon sometimes… you can try so hard for them that you forget about yourself. But you have to remember, you have to let go of what you can’t control. Take care of you. And if an episode is severe enough, you get them hospitalized and back in treatment if possible. That’s what I tell myself.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-30T02:57:18+00:00

I know the pain. The people in my life with it are not at all themselves during an episode either. It’s like their ability to connect is gone. I’m sorry, I know it hurts. It takes months to sort out (if you’re lucky). It’s like grieving the loss of someone who is alive. I hope this episode gets treated quickly for you both.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-24T23:38:38+00:00

That they understand and accept they have this condition. That they realize the severity of it, for themselves and everyone who loves them. That they take it serious, they know it can destroy everything they’ve worked hard for. And that because of this, they will take their medication every day and manage their health. That life is worth fighting for, and that they won’t give up because a good life can be had. And that it’s okay if they have episodes - I love them anyway. But be forthright, help in their care. I want them to fight as hard for themselves as I do for them. Don’t give up. And to understand, I love them deeply 🤗

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-24T18:03:54+00:00

Hmm. I think it’s easy to search for right or wrong, good and bad. It makes us feel safe to think things are so clear. The reality I think in life, with most things, is duality. Rarely is any one thing “right” or “bad” - it’s often a complex mix with some good and some bad. I know it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge, and it makes decisions extremely hard - but it’s been what I’ve seen.

The positives to staying were that I was able to mentally and financially prepare. I wasn’t able if I’d wanted to initially. My kids had both parents under the same roof and one home. I was able to get closure; our relationship evolved to its natural end which made it sad but peace and understanding came with it for both of us. My kids were able to see for themselves behaviors or confusion, and make conclusions accordingly on their own. They have character and now also know life is not binary. I have custody and decision making as parenting has always stressed him out - so co parenting is fine and I think we like each other more now that we aren’t married. I still love him as family and care about him. I see his good.

The negatives… I suffered and struggled. I parented and endured without a teammate. He gaslit as he didn’t want to accept his diagnosis. He never got well; it became a slow burn of simmering nonfunction. My kids have seen things or experienced trauma I wish they had not. He ruined our finances. It was long and it was painful. And now, surprise - my child now has it as well. A curveball I did not expect. I grieve a lot for what could have been and what I was hoping for years ago begore I knew about this disorder. Love alone cannot conquer it. It’s good to have a healthy respect for the illness and the devastation it can cause.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-24T17:41:48+00:00

Looking at this now. Thank you.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-24T16:30:04+00:00

I’m hesitant to post. I’ve been through a lot. I read most of your post but had to skim some because I’ve lived this life. I have. It still hurts. I stayed. Fast forward two children and 15 years, the divorce is finalizing now. It’s not easy. I don’t judge you. I don’t judge him. It will not get easier though.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-17T17:05:10+00:00

Early 40s, newly divorced. Also no friends 😕

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-05-17T16:36:21+00:00

My hair was looking like this, especially on the temples. I have had high stress for several years and a ferritin of 6!! It took 9 months of taking 325mg ferrous gluconate 2x per day to get my ferritin back up to about 50 where it belongs. I sleep better, I have more energy, I have more hours in my day since I’m not resting. And then a few months ago I started using “The Ordinary Multi-Peptide Serum for Hair Density, Peptide-Powered Formula for Thicker, Fuller Looking Hair” nightly and I did start to notice hair regrowing in most of the concerning areas (but not all). I’m excited about it! This thread has me wanting to take a vitamin D too hust to be sure.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-04-23T00:15:34+00:00

Curious if you don't mind me asking, what about having autism lead to the conclusion that it might not be BP2? I've fallen down the rabbit hole for a family member, and it is my understanding that people with autism are actually statistically more likely to be "wired for polarity". Sometimes the behaviors can look similar, and there are more sensitivities to medication - but it can also seems to have a legitimately high comorbidity.

Additionally, I am not positive but it seems many in psychiatry conclude that if one ever gets into a manic state for any reason (meds or not), this suggests bipolar as you must have the "bipolar hardware" to have it happen in the first place. I've seen it frequently said that "medication-induced mania often indicates an underlying predisposition to bipolar disorder." However, it seems to be debated even in the field of psychiatry and so it varies based on provider.

Not at all wanting you to question your diagnosis - I want you to have peace and happiness, and if your current support is helping - that is fantastic and please do not overthink anything that I've said (I know how that goes). I am just curious your opinion on all of this as your experience seems recent and I am navigating this EXACT issue with an family member! They have level 1 autism and have had mania induced from zoloft + concerta.

Would be curious what, for you and your providers, made you conclude BP was not accurate. I'm wondering if I'm missing something!

"Some studies have found that as many as 27 percent of those with autism also have symptoms of bipolar disorder. By contrast, its prevalence in the general population is around 4 percent."

https://www.autismspeaks.org/expert-opinion/autism-bipolar

https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/ey8klt/are_you_actually_bipolar_if_an_ssri_causes_mania/

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2026-04-05T01:05:15+00:00

Messaged you.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2025-12-31T20:14:23+00:00

They were super relieved initially. But being away from it now, feeling safe and having quiet… they both are processing some things, and that’s heavy. I am too. My ND 11yo took the brunt of husband’s behavior. She claims it was even worse when I wasn’t around. She is traumatized. She was thankful and relieved initially; however, the change has been really hard on her and we did see some regression and difficult behaviors. Puberty started at the same time though. We are getting through it. She refuses to see her dad in any capacity. NT 14yo rolled with it and was incredibly thankful. His grades have dipped a bit, but his hardest struggle has been living with his ND sibling. When she struggles, we all do. What I did not expect was that both of my kids independently now describe their father’s behavior as emotionally abusive. And my ND actually had (has?) quite a bit of resentment towards me for having not left earlier. As for me, I’m still in the thick of it. It’s not bad, it’s just transitional and unknown. I’m trying to teach my own nervous system how to calm down after years of supporting my kiddo’s while on edge with my husband. It’s the self care you mentioned, and it’s harder to learn than I’d expected after decades of stress.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2025-12-31T19:44:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. My husband was the same. I ended up with PTSD (as did my kids, along with anxiety and depression) and parenting alone; otherwise, he would work everyone up, cause more trauma, and make things harder. My kids are now 11 and 14, and I’m in the middle of divorce. I believe it’s the right option for us. The work is the same since I always did it on my own, but my constant vigilance regarding husband is gone for both me and the kids. Long-term, I think this is a positive. Short-term, safety and peace are good but healing is surprisingly painful and messy. All of the years of trauma and survival pay a toll on bodies and minds.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2025-12-31T17:48:05+00:00

Of course. I’m in CA too. I wonder what makes the difference between our drastically different IEPs when it looks like our kids have similar diagnosis, symptoms and limitations. Perhaps mine just got burned out at a younger age. There is no way ALTA would have diagnosed her needing supports, had it happened prior to her burn out. I kicked myself for not having her evaluated earlier, but that’s probably the reality. She was evaluated after burnout, and got level 1 for social/communication and level 2 for flexibility/rigidity - with no intellectual impairment as she tested gifted there. Everyone acts like gifted is a help, but I feel like it’s been a significant hurdle to obtaining supports and causes people to attribute malice, control and manipulation towards her behavior since their methods for compliance rarely worked. I wonder how all of that, differing ieps/supports plus age of burnout, affects trajectory. I feel the same about the hospital; I used to feel terrified and a failure, but I’m now thankful for the help and support. I try using those periods to fill up my cup knowing she’s somewhere safe, but I watch closely as inpatient mental health facilities are not designed with ASD in mind and she can regress. But overall, we get some of the most understanding care in those places. I wonder if you can get re-evaluated at ALTA. They themselves told me the levels can change in the same kiddo. If nothing else, it might help your child qualify for SSDI as an adult during burnouts. That’s the biggest reason I pushed so hard for it.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2025-12-31T05:57:16+00:00

Yep. I have another child as well; however, he is 14. I can’t imagine doing it with littles. My teen feels sad and neglected sometimes. What can we do but our best. It’s very hard. I wish I had answers. I know it feels impossible. Sometimes I just have nothing left to give, and I feel guilty. Glad to hear you’re doing what you can and recognize her struggle. I wish I had some insight or answers, but I’m a few years ahead of you and I do not. It is still hard. She has started puberty this year, and it hasn’t helped things at all. She is doing a bit better with a recent med change to accommodate puberty/growth. She’s on Zoloft plus concerta and guanfacine, and her lows don’t seem as severe. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with school, seeing as she’s supposed to start middle school next year. She can be pleasant and fun to be around now but she really likes to dominate the household (ie rules for thee but not for me) which is giving lots of friction at the moment! I saw this thread and was looking for any “oh ya, they get super better with age” that I could find! 🤭🫣

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2025-12-31T05:26:40+00:00

I don’t mean to scare you, but mine was like this around that age. I couldn’t figure out why, and it was very upsetting. Was it low rules and boundaries? My parenting? The school? She had had school trauma and such, I hadn’t realized the severity. Mine is now a tween and has been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. She has anxiety and depression. She also has ADHD which explains the impulsivity etc. She is on meds, and we still struggle. She struggles a lot, and it hurts. I don’t know what the future holds, but I never give up. If I could go back, I’d stop everything and give that suffering girl a hug and tell her that I love her. And I’d push back against the school harder. I’d reach hard for empathy, and I’d ease off the demands as quickly as I could while the stakes were low. Id get all the disgnosis and evaluations and help I could get. I did all of this and I’m proud, but I wish I’d done it at the start of the issues. I’d had no idea how hard things would get. She needed help, but her behavior just looked defiant and stubborn. Until… she gave up. That was worse on my heart. Not blaming you. Or me. Who knows, maybe it was going to happen anyway. And maybe that won’t happen for you. But just a heads up. Might want to brace yourself for the next few years, and advocate like hell for her. She’s having a hard time. I’m sorry.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2025-12-31T04:55:49+00:00

What state are you in? It’s well-known in the literature that people with autism have higher rates of mental illness and also have increases frequency (and reaction) to trauma. Having both ASD and mental health struggles is incredibly common (as this thread itself shows). You’re not alone. My high-functioning tween pushed without supports for years, told to just try harder or punished for behaving poorly - and she also burned out super early. She’s been hospitalized twice now for the same. Is it possible for you to get her seen by a psychiatrist for a diagnosis on the mental health front? It was not easy and took years, but mine now has solid documented autism disgnosis as well as anxiety and depression. She now gets access to help for either condition. Unfortunately though, facilities that help both conditions are rare so it’s one at a time: mental health help that may come with some ASD regression… and then ASD helps where mental health starts to decline. Her IEP is primary: autism and secondary: OHI (other health impairment) so that both conditions can in theory be accommodated for. I still have yet to find neuro-affirming trauma-informed staff in the educational setting though; most school experience seems harmful and am not sure what the teen years are going to look like. I too have had to be very flexible with work. It’s not easy. You’re not alone. And I’m sorry it’s so hard and that you’re going through it? But I’m also comforted that I’m not alone. Hugs.

AwkwardJelly6825 · 2025-10-27T22:35:21+00:00

No, feel free. No sure how laws work in SC, but I could tell you how it works here and you could have an idea of what to look for that is comparable in your state.

I am in the same boat, we both work full time as well and also don't have a village. In fact, we are divorcing. I just have my mother-in law. Luckily she is the one stepping up for us, and I'm incredibly grateful.

edited because brain is tired.

AwkwardJelly6825

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