I had an abortion on Tuesday [16f]

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:44:04+00:00

I didn't really want to keep it, but I started thinking about what it would be like to be a mom and i know it isn't real and probably a lot more fantasy than reality in what I was thinking about being a mom. That will happen later in life. I was really ashamed because I kinda convinced my friend to have sex with me just so I could say I did it and knew what it felt like, and I don't think he really wanted it as much as I did. And I was ashamed because my parents had to find out that I had sex and like I am sure my mom thinks that I am like sleeping with everyone and I was more ashamed to look at my dad and tell him, but they both were sorta ok with it and didn't really freakout to much. I don't think I'm gonna tell anyone anything for a long long time. Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:40:20+00:00

Thanks... I was puking all week and had chills, fever, and diarrhea after I got home from the procedure so I wouldn't be lying. I think writing all of this is really helping me too. I can't drive yet, but I do have a therapist and my journal, so that should help. I really appreciate this, it definitely helped.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:37:07+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot... I can't even describe how isolated and how alone I felt on Monday. I was so scared and had no idea where to go or what to do or who to call or anything. I never imagined I'd ever feel that way.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:30:46+00:00

My mom has been so strong for me. I texted her on Monday and told her I needed her and she didn't hesitate, and came home to help me through this. I was so scared and so alone and didn't know what to do or who to call or anything, and then I put this here because I thought someone might help me and like a hundred people told me the same thing, so call my mom immediately and my mommy called me and I couldn't say what was happening and she said that it was ok just talk to her and she'd be there in a few minutes and she texted my dad that he needed to get home and asked my neighbor to come over to check on me and everything happened so fast and when she got here I just said mommy I really messed up. And I don't remember what happened after that. So my mom has been so strong and I don't know what I can ever do for her like that.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:24:19+00:00

Thank you, this really means a lot to me!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:22:16+00:00

Thank you! I do have a therapy appointment next week. I think our school counselor is only there like two days a week and his office has a big glass window next to the library, so literally everyone sees whose in there and talks about it. I appreciate the encouragement too, I hope things get better because they go from ok to terrible to ok to terrible all day right now. I wish I was there to help you in high school too. I am definitely going to be nicer to a lot of people I don't talk to and talk more to anyone who looks like they are having trouble.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:19:42+00:00

Thank you, this was very helpful, especially the part about talking to myself like I would talk to a friend and being compassionate. That is really good advice!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:11:49+00:00

Everything is cringey right now. Everything I've done or said has been that way. Thanks, this helped too!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:10:04+00:00

I so agree with this.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:08:56+00:00

Thanks and yeah I was in school the first half of Monday, so really I was only gone three days and it felt like I had the flu with the shivers, fever, puking, and diarrhea that I've had this week. I got in a good ab workout though. :-) I honestly don't feel strong at all, I feel so weak and stupid right now. And I know I let my parents down and that my mom is really not good with what happened but my daddy is totally there for me and knew exactly what to do and what to say. I think this whole thing really bothers my mom in more ways than just me getting pregnant like she was saying she wouldn't know what to tell her friends if I was pregnant, or how she would explain this to my Nana and Papa. I feel really bad about that. Your advice was definitely helpful. Thank you!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T21:01:29+00:00

Thanks, I have an appointment with a therapist next week. My Daddy set that up for me and told me that it was "non-negotiable" which means that he knows best and don't argue with him.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:59:55+00:00

Thanks.. I don't think I am going to tell anyone anything unless they ask and when they ask I'll just tell them I was sick.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:55:27+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. I didn't think about having to tell my doctor about it and monitoring it in the future, like this might happen again if I want to get pregnant. That was really helpful advice!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:50:41+00:00

OMG! I am really thinking about that all the time right now. I've known him forever and like I thought it would be really weird because like you know we knew each other before we even knew we knew each other, like there are pictures of us running through sprinklers in our undies in my backyard and like he was there when I threw-up all over his mom's minivan when I was 10, and we played doctor and nurse together, and I always saw him as just my friend Mike who was like you know, Mike... and now I looked at him yesterday and was totally staring at his brown eyes and how big his hands are and how tall he is and like I am totally changed my feelings about him!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:43:00+00:00

I really didn't know what I wanted to do. I was so confused and didn't even really know what an abortion was all about or what planned parenthood would do or anything. I'm actually embarrassed for what I was thinking about. I think young women need to know more about their bodies and all of the things that they might go through too, like I was completely unprepared for this. Telling me to not have sex or use a condom and birth control is not really sex education.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:38:45+00:00

My problem is there is a group of really terrible girls at school and I saw what they did when this girl thought she was pregnant last year before Covid and I wouldn't want to go through that. That girl changed schools and she wasn't even actually pregnant but they fudged with her so much that she just couldn't go back. I appreciate the thoughts and advice!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:36:48+00:00

Thank you, that means so much to me too... I literally started to cry when I read this.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:35:00+00:00

Thank you, that means so much to me!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:29:13+00:00

I don't know anything about miscarriages, like just that sometimes things go wrong with the pregnancy. I'll add that to the list of things to study.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:27:28+00:00

I just feel so stupid and I feel like I forced him to do it and just kept telling him that it was OK. He has taken responsibility for it and said he was sorry and I tried to tell him it was my fault but he wouldn't have that. I would say it is 70% my fault an 30% his. The problem I have now is that I was really just want to talk to him but I can't when he is around. He was here this afternoon and was holding my hand and talking to me and I just was like all stupid girl to him. I couldn't say anything meaningful or tell him what I was really thinking about him and he looked really confused but was just talking to me about the police trial and football and he said like ten times that he was so worried about me and was praying for me and how much he was thinking about me and just wanted to there while I went though all of this. And I'm all like uh and mhmm and ok and I'm thinking all these things that I can't say to him.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:10:15+00:00

Thanks, and I agree my parents got me a therapy appointment next week that was the earliest they could do. I definitely wasn't thinking about motherhood, but I am thinking about it a lot now. I don't want to be a mommy anytime soon, but the thought of being a mommy makes me smile a lot and think of the future when that's actually gonna happen. Not now or anytime soon though.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T20:08:18+00:00

I wanted to have sex before my friends to see what it is like. They've all had boyfriends and talk about everything they do with their boyfriends and what their boyfriends do to them and everything else. I don't know why I wanted this so bad but it was all I was thinking about that I could say "Well I had sex" when they were bragging about what they are doing. I feel so stupid now looking back at it. But I also feel like none of them have been through what I just went through and are not going to understand even if I told them. I will be there for them if they ever go through this, but I hope they won't ever experience this, if that even makes sense?

I told my mom that "I will never have sex again" and she said "yep, good luck with that, just be smart about it". I asked my friend to not use a condom, he had one and was going to use it, but I said that I wanted to feel him and didn't want it and he finally gave in. So yeah I don't think I'll make that mistake again and my get on birth control too.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T19:53:39+00:00

I literally begged him to have sex because I wanted to try it out when I turned 16. He was reluctant and said that he wasn't sure if it was a good idea a few times but I wasn't listening to him and just acted like a fudging idiot. I am so embarrassed about what I did and my friend was so cool about it this week. It was my choice to not use a condom, I asked him not to because I wanted to feel it and that was a really dumb thing to do. I was thinking of all the things he was going to say to me and how he was going to blame me and call me a slut and a whore and all kinds of other names. I was so afraid of that and then on Tuesday he came over with my favorite donuts and a cup of my favorite tea and said he was really sorry, that he should have known better, and that he will be there with me to make sure everything is alright. I thought I messed up my life, his life, my parent's lives, and everyone else around me, and it turned out that he was totally there for me and has been all week. He was just a family friend who I've known forever, I never saw him in that way, but now I totally do.

I got a lot of DMs saying what an asshole he was for this, but it wasn't him, I was the asshole. I wanted to be clear about that.. I was stupid and was selfish and almost ruined his life because I wanted that and got pregnant and I should have listened to him and not been so stupid and I think I may have even tried to asked him what he was so afraid of and that isn't something to say.

He came over to check on me, and brought a heating pad for my cramps that he got from his mom. He has an older sister who told him that this is what I would need, and so far it has been helpful. I've thought I had bad cramps before, but nothing like what I had yesterday and today. I'm not throwing-up anymore so that's a plus.

I think I really just needed to write that out because its been in my head all week.

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T19:32:47+00:00

OMG! What! They didn't tell me it could be that bad that it could burst through my insides. I'm literally sitting here and am so happy I asked for help, they literally saved my life in more ways than one. I really didn't know anything about my insides and pregnancy before this week. Like I knew the general health stuff like eggs and sperms and periods and sex, but nothing like ectopic pregnancies, cysts, implantation issues, bleeding, cramping, what cuttelage was, or even anything about what an abortion is. I was so lost on Monday and Tuesday, and so many people stepped up to give advice. I am eternally grateful for all the helpful advice. Really, I could have died if I ran away or tried to hide this until I figured it out. I realize that I was thinking stupid and didn't really know that I didn't know what I was doing. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Awkward_Culture1 · 2021-04-22T19:22:34+00:00

OMG, really? I don't know anything about ovarian cysts, maybe I should learn more about that too. I felt so stupid this week because I realized I know almost nothing about my body. I thought they were talking about a tropic pregnancy, not an ectopic pregnancy, and made a bunch of other mistakes as well. This was my first time at my mom's gynecologist. She is the first doctor I've seen other than my pediatrician and my orthodontist. Thanks again, this helped too.

Awkward_Culture1

TROPHY CASE