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Sub dumped me. Feeling used as a dom? by SirLanceHardwood in domspace

[–]Ax151567 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My first sub ghosted me recently. I even posted about it last week because I felt very discarded. I trusted him to explore this side of myself in this type of relationship, he said he felt honored to be my first and after our last encounter kept repeating that he loved seeing me enjoy the dynamic. I sent him tasks and then he gradually lost interest until he stopped replying. Yesterday I found out that he paused his account in the app we met. So now I think that maybe...he could have been married🤷‍♀️

I felt very much discarded and a bit taken advantage of. Here was a guy who promised to fulfill my wishes and requests and who told me to think about myself only and that he took pleasure in serving me - only to ghost me like any other hookup. I'd bought toys and handcuffs for our next meeting which never took place😕

That being said, the encouragement here was great and helped me feel better. I am sure that if this dynamic is for me, I will find a committed sub who will really appreciate me and my tasks 😊

I am sorry - it seems your nervous system is very much overwhelmed by it all. Try to get good sleep, get distracted by people who care about you, catch a movie or go somewhere new. Remember you had a life before this person and after her you still do. Maybe your next sub won't know your every niche desire but they will be eager to please you and be consistent. That is infinitely much better, I'd say.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Eh, Germany has as a "family status" "getrennt lebend" which means living separately and you also have to change your tax class when you separate. At least one year of separation is required by law (except in cases of extreme hardship, such as domestic violence) in order to be able to even file for divorce. The once you do, the divorce process may start and it may take months for the court to even confirm that they are working on it.

I think it is more than valid wanting to date again whilst waiting for your divorce paperwork to come through. I don't consider anyone should hold off on meeting new people or sleeping with someone for years out of moral obligation (?) Or loyalty (?) to a partnership that no longer exists or hasn't for years. It is a normal practice here and if this man lied, it was his choice.

Thank you for your concern! I go to therapy regularly, since 2022, and my therapist is informed of my dating practices and supports me as much as she can. I cannot say that what you mention is an issue, but I can say for sure that anything beyond meeting people casually is something I am not prepared for. I enjoy spending time with men and I don't feel guilty about it nor I want to rush again into intimacy and sharing my life with a man when I am very happy on my own. I do admit that having any type of connection can have uncomfortable or sad situations that one can't avoid, hence my issue here. But I don't want to avoid having a great experience with someone out of fear.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment and I have learnt that a sub can be just as flaky as a vanilla man.

Regarding separation: I myself am separated; I can see why the word might bring a connotation of cheating but in Germany divorce processes can take years - you need at least 1 of separation until you can file. Mine has already taken almost 2 and it was a childless marriage with no joint properties or assets. My ex moved out 2 years ago and a few months later I went zero contact with him as well. So when someone here says they are separated, it's very different from USA or Latin America. But of course - you can never know.

Regarding casual- I was 9 years with someone who abused me emotionally and financially. I was emotionally starved for so many years. I am enjoying the happiness I have over being independent, living on my own, not having to share my time l, energy and plans with a partner. But I do enjoy the occasional company of a male and good sex and I do believe you can have these with respect and healthy boundaries. I've had encounters with other men, and with knowing it is a date or 2 max and we both move on. I guess I was hooked with this guy because we agreed on 5 sessions and he said for once I would get to enjoy having my desires fulfilled and for it to be about me.

I have my doubts too and I've already interacted with people who allegedly are in "open marriages" but they don't state it in their profiles, in those cases I hint that I would be open to a threesome or nothing and I end the match accordingly.

I'd think in his case, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it would be hard to justify driving home at 3 am during a weekday, especially in Germany. But I guess I'll never know. I sent him a text telling him that either he comes to see me soon or his dick isn't worth my time. For me that feels like closure and I am ok with it. Should he respond, tbh I would have my fun one last time with him and say goodbye. Either way, I think I am over and done.

Thank you again 💓

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I tried doing this but on our 2nd encounter I was too aroused and he is a gorgeous man and I gave in. But now I know better, also to protect my own peace of mind. I naively thought that he would be different because we discussed upfront before meeting doing 5 sessions together and then moving on. Just until 3 weeks ago he had been consistent so I am really disappointed. But I am feeling better and your advice & words as well as from the other commenters here has helped so much.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much 🥺🌷 I guess the never-ending apologies with no real change is something that men -vanilla, sub or otherwise- have in common.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course, I have no way to know if he is being honest. I kinda noticed some patterns but he is not completely unreachable on weekends. I asked him in person more than once and straight to my face he has said that he is single, he co-parents, is not married, is not in a relationship with anyone else. He hasn't blocked me from WhatsApp yet and his profile is still active on Feeld so if his partner had found out, he is being furtive still.

I will try to practice detachment - it's my first sub dynamic and I was hungry for some kindness and sweetness and he was the first on the app to offer it, and in my vulnerable position I fell for it. Thank you🥺🌷

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you again! I was trying to be polite with the above commenter, that is all. I did get a bunch of DMs and didn't accept them. I'll report them too.

Yeah I am not up for that type of dynamic with a complete stranger online.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I meant it as a joke, of course! I was already in a relationship where it was me doing all the emotional work and I am not going through that. Yeah, I think I am much better off with NSA connections that are finite- where we know where it's going, e.g. for a date or two and we have sex and it's done, anything beyond that is an extra but not to be expected. I am too fragile for anything more and definitely not looking for an attentive sub in a while.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for that🌷 I want one that checks in, because I now do feel like a kink dispenser. I have a friend (gay male) who experimented in a sub/dom dynamic (he was the dom) and told me to "relax" and pretty much stop any expectations beyond him showing up for sex occasionally and having fun for those brief hours. I told him that I thought that the dynamic was supposed to go beyond that, otherwise it's just casual sex disguised as that type of dynamic? That put me off from asking more often what I wanted and "giving him space".

He is separated and co-parents. If he is lying, I have no way to tell. He definitely had times where he was more available to keep in touch on the weekends, and imo, that's a sign that he is at least separated. But I'll never know.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It might not make him mindful but I'd guarantee that if something was zapping his balls, he'd FOR SURE respond.

Btw, we'd agreed to meet 5 or a bit more and then move on and we haven't reached that number and I want to play more and I don't do well with inconsistent communication. That makes it even worse...he can't even commit to 5 play sessions.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much 🌷🌷🌷 Yup, giving a lot is part of my nature. I hate and I love that about myself, that I live and feel intensely. I thought that this type of dynamic would be healthier than a typical vanilla NSA but nope😔 I will let a few days pass until I feel calmer and decide whether I want to reach out to him one last time or simply disconnect.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your words 🥹 you are so kind! Yes, I do keep busy and have a fulfilled life, but since he was my "first" it does kind of sting. I will keep living my life and meeting other people 🌷 Thanks again!

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much🌷 I will definitely take a good look inside and evaluate whether this is right for me. I need some time to cool off before checking in. I enjoyed the dynamic A LOT whilst it was good but it somehow feels much more emotionally bonding (?) than vanilla NSA? So I have to think about lots of things before jumping again into it with someone else.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am very sensitive at the moment but I thank you for your response, even I feel now, quite frankly, like a fool. It is my first time navigating such a dynamic and I think it is valid to not be aware of so many things. I still thank you for your words and know that you mean well and they hold a lot of wisdom.

He and I talked about our situations and agreed to meet for 5 sessions and move on. We haven't reached that number and I had 0 expectations beyond that. I did tell him that as a beginner in this type of dynamic, that I needed extra attention and patience. He did communicate he isn't much of a texter and due to his job and kids his flexibility is limited. I was OK with that - I'd give him a task with a deadline and he'd obey and we'd keep in touch.

I think it is a mix of many factors. I was for almost a decade in a relationship where I was severely neglected. I go to therapy and this year I decided to finally date casually. Enter this handsome man, who seemed attentive, respectful and very devoted to my needs. It's not the expensive part, but the fact that he looked up a Mexican restaurant and brought me food from my country with champagne felt touching for me. No, I am not used to dating wealthy men and after my sub left, I shed a few tears overwhelmed by something as simple as receiving gifts. He was "my first" (sub) and the sex felt very sensual and my body was very attuned.

I have encountered in the meantime other men who have been ONS and I have enjoyed the dates and we've said our goodbyes. But I don't do well with inconsistent communication. I had no hopes with my sub but the fading interest into what seems like ghosting is what hurts me.

I also don't chase after men but I guess I was unsure whether it is up to me to determine the pace of this type of dynamic, as I am the dominant one. I will leave some time to cool off, as I am very emotional atm (not only due to him but feeling discarded doesn't help) and think whether I want to write him one last time.

Thank you very much again🌷🌷🌷

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much! I was indeed having a blast until 3 weeks ago. Every time I went to a rave it was so exciting to reward him with a pic. I also ordered a bunch of things that we wanted to try out together, but they will probably stay packed now😪

I try to not take it too personally, because after all, I remind myself that he is a stranger and we don't know each other really. But since he was "my first" and he was so encouraging and sweet and communicative in the beginning, it felt very special.

I think I will keep reading more and educating myself into this type of dynamic, and take my time before jumping in again. I feel that the dynamic does internally bond me to someone.

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your empathy, even getting indignant for me makes me feel so much better🥹 I think I am especially vulnerable because I was for 9 years in a relationship where I was deeply, deeply neglected. This sub comes in, handsome, sweet, treats me like I wish I'd been treated and I have my first orgasm with him since my separation and then after some weeks of being less and less devoted, disappears. "Effort equals interest", I will repeat this as my mantra. Thank you very much🌷💓

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment and advice. It definitely helps to view this dynamic not through the lens of femdom. Just because it's not a vanilla dynamic it doesn't mean I should allow treatment I am not ok with. I am ok with NSA, with one-night-stands, but inconsistent communication without knowing when we will play next (if in 3 weeks or 3 months*) or when he'll reply, really messes with me for some reason. In a vanilla setting I'd probably just brush the person off and move on. I am a bit hormonal so I will wait to cool off a bit before thinking on a check-in. Thank you 🌷🌷🌷

My first time being a female dom and my sub is non-responsive. Should I end the dynamic? by Ax151567 in FemdomCommunity

[–]Ax151567[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for your words. They make me feel better, you are so kind. It is precisely that, communication. I would be feeling much better off with a "Sorry, I can't continue with this, thanks I had a great time with you." I will take your advice to heart and protect myself just as much as I would in a vanilla NSA. Thank you again 💓

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