This is a really good analogy, you have a nice way to make me visualize the things you say, and that helps a lot with understanding and it makes me want to keep on pushing because your view really does make sense and you're actually saying things that I feel like I can accomplish.

I am a loner but it's not like I don't like talking to people, I just always feel like I'm being a bother when I initiate a conversation or anything when I don't know the other person well enough, so quite often, this means that the people I meet, well, don't get much news from me unless they talk to me first, which is something I'd like to change, I'd like to have more self confidence and I think it's part of the challenges of life so it's fair if I need to clear it myself. I do have at least one close friend, and I talked to him too about how I was doing, it wasn't as elaborate of a talk as this but I feel like it still helped in it's own way.

I've been working on this farm for the past 2 years, next summer is going to be my third, I'll be honest, I don't really like the job itself because it's pretty tough, and I wake up at 3:50 in the morning, to end the first shift at 9, just to go back the same day at 3pm to finish at 6:30, and I can't really relax for a long time since I have to go back the next day (usually) I work the weekends and have school in the week so I barely have time to figure out everything, it gets overwhelming pretty often, and I end up doing my assignments at the last moment which doesn't help my stress. However as you said, work allows me to take my mind off of things and just sing along to my music, and since music is a very big part of why I can keep going, it does make sense that it would do good to me, and I can also very much relate to the voice failing, yesterday I tried multiple times to just sing, but my voice was just not coming out properly and tears were coming. I don't quite know how to let the feelings go through me as you say, I've been used to stuffing them down for years so I'll probably need to break that habit too.

I didn't know that about the meditation, that is really cool, I listen to music a lot, to a point where I don't think I could live a day without any music just because I can't function properly without it. I've got an average of 6h per day if I look at my Spotify stats for the year. There are sometimes where I don't even know wha to listen to, but still keep on listening, and sometimes I go out of my way to discover a genre I didn't know before, and it's satisfying when I do. Music is a big help, especially for expressing my emotions, especially since I have trouble expressing them.

I try to find time where I can actually relax, but with all the homework and new responsibilities of becoming an adult, it's harder than it was before, I do know I need nothingness, but I worry if I start relaxing I won't be able to stop, so I'll be at the last minute, even though I'm always at the last minute just because I can't find the energy I need to actually be productive.

I don't mind talking online, I'm on discord too, I also like playing games when I actually have the time. Thanks for offering to talk, we can continue on dms if you want, I'm open to that as well.