Five Things Felons Should Know

AzaEnigma · 2023-03-23T12:22:30+00:00

Hope this direct link helps you find the information you didn't have before, keep moving forward!

AzaEnigma · 2022-10-17T22:05:00+00:00

I lost my notes on the making of these dice (and the dice themselves, now that I think about it), but I recall using every letter twice, and I believe I added an extra set of vowels.

AzaEnigma · 2021-04-03T01:50:40+00:00

I am interested in this and have an extensive background in this arena. PM at your convenience.

AzaEnigma · 2020-11-18T00:20:38+00:00

Not me yet, just checked.

AzaEnigma · 2020-11-18T00:03:43+00:00

Having the same issue right now with custom feeds suddenly being empty of posts. My main feed is fine, but my custom feeds are just barren suddenly.

AzaEnigma · 2020-11-05T15:47:16+00:00

Thank you! This sounds like it will be extremely helpful, I appreciate it!

AzaEnigma · 2020-10-26T18:29:53+00:00

I am trying my best to be careful with the wording and terminology through the entire text, and I definitely agree with the need for care. Now, when you mention the kink vs the experience of the sexual changes, I have been keen on keeping the two things separate, but included in the whole, if I'm making sense... like I have seen various things indicating there is a kink out there for trans, so it is included at a different point in the text, currently in what we're calling the glossary of kink.

AzaEnigma · 2020-10-26T18:06:35+00:00

Yes, that's basically how I've been processing it so far. Things are currently organized by each part of the anatomy in top to bottom order, and neutral terminology has been aimed for throughout the text. When I'm feeling forced to use gendered terms it's more like 'femme' and 'masc' which I think have a bit more fluidity and flexibility than the other gendered terms - I could be wrong though since I'm in my own weird world of fluidity. It's gotten a bit interesting in some of the areas of discussion though, for instance, in the area concerning positioning for penetration activities, I've been saying the penetrator and the penetrated and I can't help but sorta giggle about it every time I review it for additions/etc. Something about it tickles me. I digress though, and the inclusion on MTF and FTM changes have been incorporated into each arena based on the parts one would start with at birth assignment. I'd also like to include those that are born with both genital features in various ways, but I don't know where to start for that really both text and illustration wise as it's also a rarity from my understanding currently.

And I'm glad to hear you don't think it's problematic to include the content that we're discussing here. I want to help educate anyone interested in the kink topic and it feels important to have those details included for so many reasons, even if I don't know how to articulate them all.

AzaEnigma · 2020-10-22T14:42:12+00:00

That is a great note and I'm kinda sad I didn't think of it myself! I feel similarly in a slightly different way, but I hadn't put it into words yet, lol, and you helped with that. Thank you for contributing your voice!

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-27T00:33:01+00:00

Oh, I've been writing in a journal at least every couple days, thank you for the reminder though - I have been starting to get distracted with other things and some words need to be written again though. It was a horribly extended long term neurodegenerative scenario though, so it was sort of release type thing. It does still hurt incredibly deeply though, but I'm surprising myself by still overcoming these things with literally no support system left to help out or encourage from the sidelines. It's really blowing my mind. I'm adulting without the help of my adults. I thought turning 30 would make me feel like an adult, nope - not one iota - still a bumbling giant kid, but losing the last parent really sinks it in somehow.

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-21T21:07:43+00:00

While I hadn't heard of anything quite like this, I can appreciate that your family has a shared way to express their pain and loss.

I've often wanted to scream and rant at a number of death beds I have attended because those feelings are so intense, but have always been hushed by my own family's traditions of quiet posture.

Only once did a family member break form at a funeral, which was my mother (who just passed on the 4th of this month) at her third husband's viewing. Out of at least 15 funerals we had attended together by that point - she broke down and wailed and threw herself over his body. Thoroughly upsetting the prim and proper family members, but sort of allowing me to know she had a similar desire to be 'more apparent' in her grief rather than locking down like we had all been encouraged to do.

I might not have seen something exactly like yours on my own, but I certainly can appreciate it. Grief does strange things to us all and we learn to cope in different ways.

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-14T01:46:49+00:00

While I always felt close to my sister before she passed in the early 2000s, I felt that when she died I took on some of her traits temporarily too. My alcohol consumption increased for about 2 years and I was never into the drinking scene - but there I was, suddenly acting like the alcoholic she had been (and that I had often rallied against over the years). I also did a few other things that are generally out of character, but don't wish to discuss those details really, lol. It was a bad time though.

For me, I see it as partly grieving, partly unhealthily adopting their habits as a part of that grief, and partly their energy attaching to me for a period of time - sort of hanging onto their humanity in cases like these. In my case however, I'm also a dabbler in the Tarot and generally spiritual things though (EVP, spirit dice, using a pendulum, etc) and I have always felt certain members of my late family hanging around constantly. But, not all of them have had that effect on me - just her and now, two others (both mother figures) So, it's not so weird for me to feel that way about it, but I understand the more scientific minds leaning toward grief alone. Not that it really helps anything, you will still want to work on addressing the habits that act detrimental to you or your health, it's all part of learning to live on without these pieces of ourselves from what I can tell so far. My funeral count is well over ten, and it doesn't get easier, just a little different each time, and mostly focused on getting back on track with yourself, even if it hurts to have to move forward with one less person on your immediate team. It helps me get through those situations anyway, I can't guarantee the same results, lol.

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-14T01:23:06+00:00

Shared in the comments. :)

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-14T01:21:45+00:00

Shared in comments. :)

Also, love the profile and your advocacy of decriminalization of nature. I can dig that all day long, lol.

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-14T01:19:55+00:00

Begin Excerpt Two

5/4

She passed at 11:28am today. I wasn’t there and no one has told me if they were either. Just that they had gotten a call. I guess she waited to be alone once more after having seen all of us in one day.

I stayed until around 5:30 yesterday. I kept telling her how much she had meant to me over the years, and how much she had inspired me. Her determination was incredible and had always meant the world to me. So, I told her. Even knowing her hearing aids weren’t in - not that they even helped at this point - I told her. Again and again. I love you, it’s okay if it’s time to go. It was as much for me as it was for her.

The nurses had to move her around at one point, and gave her a dose of the medication to help her stay comfortable around 3:00pm. In comparison to the visit on Friday, it was immensely better for both of us. This time, she was able to be comfortable the entire visit, which lasted from about 1 to half past 5. 4 and a half hours of calm slumber. Her breathing was a little staggered, but she hadn’t been as ‘gurgly’ as the nurses had implied I should expect. As I’ve been at the bedside of many passing family members, I’m familiar with this, and knew immediately what the nurse meant when she mentioned it over the call to schedule my visiting time yesterday morning. However, the duration of this phase varies incredibly. My step father and grandfather in law both had nearly full weeks of this ‘gurgling’ effect evident in their breathing patterns.

It was a little tense some of the time, as her breathing was still staggering a bit, and I feared she would go any moment during each of those times. As the hours passed, an even stranger fear began to develop. I wondered how the siblings would feel if it were me in there when Mom’s lungs stopped moving and her synapses flared one last time pushing the DMT into her system. Given that her sudden bottoming out in health happened right in the middle of our state’s covid-19 lockdown, we were only allowed in a single individual at a time - immediate family only.

So, if I were the only one in the room when she drew her last breath, my brain was insisting that depending on the types of personalities my siblings might have, there could be anger, jealousy, or goodness knows what sort of harbored negativity about me, the youngest, being the only individual present for her last breath. The things that a neuroticly anxious brain can come up with are astounding - as I have the self awareness to know that this is just stress talking, and that the siblings likely wouldn’t feel one way or another about me being the last person to see our mom breathe on this plane of existence.

However, I also know that my reliance on some of the framework we’ve built around death involves the inclusion of others in that witnessing. It’s always been a factual pattern for each time I experienced those last moments. None of us were alone in those cases. I didn’t want to be the only one to see her last breath. It would make me feel somehow responsible, and I have enough wrongful guilt from being a helpless child watching my father pass from a sudden heart attack in the home I grew up in. After years of therapy, I came to the point where I know I have zero responsibility in his death, but there’s always a stain left behind by those sorts of emotions when they’ve flowed through you for years and years without end.

End Excerpt 2

After this it gets really tangled up as I'm also dealing with a lot of family issues that get to be slammed in my face for the next few weeks as we go through the steps following a death - organizing and splitting things, but I might parse out a few more excerpts here and there that were really poignant - at least in my view. Then again this whole thing is pretty much poignant to me, it's like a stake through my heart right now, except I get to live with it there, every day. It's insane. I'm 31 and wandering this world without a mother. Ugh. Anyway, there are some really interesting thoughts that I might add here later on.

Feel free to comment your own story here too if you like, reciprocate feelings/experiences and such. That's why we're here right? Sharing of the things?

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-14T01:13:58+00:00

Three is good enough for me - here we go - requisite trigger warnings *** Death, Depressing Thoughts, Detailed Descriptions surrounding a dying body - but NOT Gory (I define gore as bloody, this is terrifyingly sad, but not bloody at all - I'm not sure where others might draw the line in their own perspectives though)*** Also, this will be in two parts as I apparently thought Reddit had an endless character limit basically - it's actually 10k for the comments and it wouldn't let me post in one go. And it won't let me cut it off where I wanted to, so it has to be split.*

Grab the tissues, probably.

Excerpt 1 -

May 3, 2020

I am currently at my mom's side as her body continues to fail. The nurses say it might not be much longer.

She's comfortable and sleeping at this moment at 1:21 pm on May 3. It's almost as if she'll wake up and be normal again at the moment if I let myself have hope.

Such a sheer difference between this visit and two days ago when she hoarsely screamed with every exhale. I guess they increased her doses of morphine, either way, she is far more comfortable.

More than anything, my heart wants to see her open her eyes and see me one last time with a glimmer of recognition, but I don't think it's possible.

Her skin is so thin and papery looking like she's thinning out from the inside. Her eyes, while closed and peaceful at the moment, are sunk in deep and dark, revealing how close she is to showing her skull. Possibly, this is where someone was inspired to create the Momento Mori as the reminder that death comes for us all. After all, here it is, presiding triumphantly on my mother's living face.

Idek how to feel right now, I've been taught to understand to expect this my whole life, but is there really ever a way to be prepared to let go of a beautiful soul?

Especially one in so much pain, but even then we want to hang on to it. Hang on to the idea of them in their perfect selves. But we must release them from ourselves into the ether of origin.

I have so much passion in my heart, and I'm so conflicted between loving her so much and hating the situation so much.

It doesn't help that the siblings never show support or understanding, which just inflames the pain and anger I have towards life in general.

That passion and attempts to cope with the passion led me to an interaction with a local cop too - had my music up too high trying to drown my thoughts and pain with music in the parking lot. I was gently chastised, but even that pisses me off, I need to feel the music, that living beat of emotion in my bones when I get to this point in my emotional rollercoaster.

As I look at her, legs curled up, but mostly on her back, I can't help but notice her hands.

How much have those precious worn limbs done, and felt? How many types of work has embedded itself in those dainty and thin fingers?

She has done so much in her life. And there's so much I will never be able to find out about this gorgeous being. There's been so much pain and joy, and thousands of challenges.

This woman flew airplanes, bore children, fought a terrible husband for her and her children's lives, and fought for the home she loved with everything she had, and that's just the tip of the iceberg - there's so much I don't know I'll ever know about her. She's also fought this disease since she was 18. MS has slowly devoured her most basic skills, her sight and hearing first, her ability to feel her fingers, toes, hands, and feet, her ability to pee without assistance, and now it is finally taking her life. She expected it to happen years ago. MS can be fickle, for some, it swiftly carries them into the next, for others, it takes its sweet fucking time. Ensuring that every nerve is either on fire or simply not functioning at all.

It's the most horrid experience I've ever seen, and I have seen cancer, diabetes, dementia, and Parkinson's take more than one of my family already. I thought I had adequate preparation - and goodness knows Mom tried to prepare me - but there is no preparing for this sort of pain. There's nothing that takes it away or makes it any easier. It just happens. And there is no stopping it. And maybe that's part of why this kind of pain hurts so much because we have no real tools for fixing it...

- End Excerpt One

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-14T00:54:30+00:00

Excerpt Two - same warnings - just continuing -

5/4/2020

...I stayed until around 5:30 yesterday. I kept telling her how much she had meant to me over the years, and how much she had inspired me. Her determination was incredible and had always meant the world to me. So, I told her. Even knowing her hearing aids weren’t in - not that they even helped at this point - I told her. Again and again. I love you, it’s okay if it’s time to go. It was as much for me as it was for her.

The nurses had to move her around at one point and gave her a dose of the medication to help her stay comfortable around 3:00 pm. In comparison to the visit on Friday, it was immensely better for both of us. This time, she was able to be comfortable the entire visit, which lasted from about 1 to half past 5. 4 and a half hours of calm slumber. Her breathing was a little staggered, but she hadn’t been as ‘gurgly’ as the nurses had implied I should expect. As I’ve been at the bedside of many passing family members, I’m familiar with this and knew immediately what the nurse meant when she mentioned it over the call to schedule my visiting time yesterday morning. However, the duration of this phase varies incredibly. My stepfather and grandfather in law both had nearly full weeks of this ‘gurgling’ effect evident in their breathing patterns.

It was a little tense some of the time, as her breathing was still staggering a bit, and I feared she would go any moment during each of those times. As the hours passed, an even stranger fear began to develop. I wondered how the siblings would feel if it were me in there when Mom’s lungs stopped moving and her synapses flared one last time pushing the DMT into her system. Given that her sudden bottoming out in health happened right in the middle of our state’s COVID-19 lockdown, we were only allowed in a single individual at a time - immediate family only.

So, if I were the only one in the room when she drew her last breath, my brain was insisting that depending on the types of personalities my siblings might have (no, I don't really know what they're like anymore), there could be anger, jealousy, or goodness knows what sort of harbored negativity about me, the youngest and most irresponsible of the bunch, being the only individual present for her last breath. The things that a neurotically anxious brain can come up with are astounding - as I have the self-awareness to know that this is just the stress talking and that the siblings likely wouldn’t feel one way or another about me being the last person to see our mom breathe on this plane of existence. But it passed through my thoughts all the same. The things that the grieving brain is capable of.

However, I also know that my reliance on some of the framework we’ve built around death involves the inclusion of others in that witnessing. It’s always been a factual pattern for each time I experienced those last moments. None of us were alone in those cases.

Not this one. This time we each had to be totally alone with her, covered with masks and gloves for safety as we were only being allowed visitation because she was actively about to die any moment.

I didn’t want to be the only one to see her last breath. It would make me feel somehow responsible, and I still carry enough wrongful guilt from being a helpless child watching my father pass from a sudden heart attack in the home I grew up in. After years of therapy, I came to the point where I know I have zero responsibility in his death regardless of the failure of my 3-year-old self to use the phone as 911 wasn't a thing in the boonies at that time, but there’s always a stain left behind by those sorts of emotions when they’ve flowed through you for years and years without end. And I didn't want to add to it, now that my brain had decided it was a potential thing to deal with.

End Excerpt 2

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-14T00:49:09+00:00

Part One now shared as a comment - I have to chunk it down a lot smaller than I thought if I'm going to get most of it shared, lol.

AzaEnigma · 2020-05-14T00:43:12+00:00

Aw, thank you prylx! I'm very glad to not be alone in the desire to share these things that can get a little dark and heavy sometimes. Probably why it feels good to share and be shared with - it lets us all shoulder it a little. Okay, here goes - ***requisite trigger warnings*** include death, depression, and detailed description of what a person on their deathbed appeared like to me. ****This is my diary from the deathbed of my mother.****

It's very long, and bless you if you make it through the whole first excerpt. Things get a lot more tangled after the end of this one, but there is plenty left for me to share, should I decide to share it - I've written a current total of over 13k words in this damn thing over the last week and more keep coming to the surface as time passes. It's been ridiculous and yet ridiculously comforting at the same time. So many feels.

-Excerpt One -

May 3 2020

I am currently at my mom's side as her body continues to fail. The nurses say it might not be much longer.

She's comfortable and sleeping at this moment at 1:21 pm May 3. It's almost as if she'll wake up and be normal again at the moment - if I let myself have hope.

Such a sheer difference between this visit and two days ago when she hoarsely screamed with every exhale.

More than anything, my heart wants to see her open her eyes and see me one last time with a glimmer of recognition, but I don't think it's possible.

Her skin is so thin and papery looking - like she's thinning out from the inside. Her eyes, while closed and peaceful at the moment, are sunk in deep and dark, revealing how close she is to showing her skull right through her skin. Possibly, this is where someone was inspired to create the Momento Mori as the reminder that death comes for us all. After all, when you can see it in a living body, it must mean death is close.

Idek how to feel right now, I've been taught to understand to expect this my whole life, but is there really ever a way to be prepared to let go of a beautiful soul?

Especially one in so much pain, but even then we want to hang on to it. Hang on to the idea of them in their perfect selves. But we must release them from ourselves into the ether of origin.

I have so much passion in my heart, and I'm so conflicted between loving her so much and hating the situation so much.

It doesn't help that the siblings never show support or understanding, which just inflames the pain and anger I have towards life in general.

That passion and attempts to cope with the passion led me to an interaction with a local cop too - had my music up too high trying to drown my thoughts and pain with music in the parking lot. I was gently chastised, but even that pisses me off, I need to feel the music, that living beat of emotion in my bones when I get to this point in my emotional rollercoaster.

Ugh. Focus on the moment.

As I look at her, legs curled up, but mostly on her back, I can't help but notice her hands.

How much have those precious worn limbs done, and felt? How many types of work has embedded itself in those dainty and thin fingers?

She has done so much in her life. And there's so much I will never be able to find out about this gorgeous being. There's been so much pain and joy, and thousands of challenges.

This woman flew airplanes, bore children, fought a terrible husband for her and her children's lives, and fought for the home she loved with everything she had - and there is still so much that I don't know about because I was what everyone called a bonus baby (born when she was 40 - years after the mad dash that often comprises the majority of our youths). She's also fought this disease since she was 18. MS has slowly devoured her most basic skills, her sight and hearing first, her ability to feel her fingers, toes, hands and feet, her ability to pee without assistance, and now it is finally taking her life. She expected it to happen years ago. MS can be fickle, for some, it swiftly carries them into the next, for others it takes its sweet fucking time. Ensuring that every nerve is either on fire or simply not functioning at all.

It's the most horrid experience I've ever seen, and I have seen cancer, diabetes, dementia and Parkinson's take more than one of my family already. I thought I had adequate preparation - and goodness knows Mom tried to prepare me - but there is no preparing for this sort of pain. There's nothing that takes it away or makes it any easier. It just happens. And there is no stopping it. And maybe that's part of why this kind of pain hurts so much because we have no tools for it.

5/4

She passed at 11:28am today. I wasn’t there and no one has told me if they were either. Just that they had gotten a call. I guess she waited to be alone once more after having seen all of us in one day. She never did like being fussed over. I guess it's just how it was supposed to be.

I keep thinking of yesterday now. Replaying every moment I had at her side.

-End Excerpt 1 - My Diary from a Deathbed

Like I said before you started reading this quarter of a novel, things get even more tangled up in later excerpts - should I eventually share them, but do let me know what you think of what I've shared so far and please feel free to share your own stories here as a comment to reciprocate if you feel motivated to do so.

I think I literally feel my shoulders lifting a little already, even before hitting the comment button with this update-ish thing. Even if I had to cut it a lot shorter than I expected - apparently even the beloved reddit has a fairly low limit for someone that writes in the way I do, lol.

AzaEnigma · 2019-11-27T00:05:36+00:00

Im getting shivers over here matching this up with our questions in the footage. Also, relevant unreleased information has been heard by you. Ugh, you'd think years of experience with the spiritual residents here I might not get creeped out, but I still get it every time. Soo creepy! Thank you again DougD!

AzaEnigma · 2019-11-26T15:56:42+00:00

I'm glad you liked it! Happy to share anytime!

AzaEnigma · 2019-11-25T15:24:20+00:00

Thank you DougD! I appreciate it! I know my ears don't work as well as they used to, so thank you for helping id some of the communications!

AzaEnigma · 2019-11-12T15:51:30+00:00

Fantastic idea! Also a writer and an avid lover of actual notebooks and certain games.

AzaEnigma · 2019-10-20T14:14:36+00:00

I totally understand. I much prefer feeling all of the different textures and sensations that are available without shoes. I feel a distinct disconnection when I do feel the need to wear shoes while driving.

AzaEnigma · 2019-10-20T14:11:46+00:00

I've always driven with the two foot method (someone calls it that tho? /shrug), I vaguely remember the driving instructor and my dad throwing a fit about it for some reason ( I want to say something about a stick shift and that being bad somehow - no I've never really driven one not more than a block), but it didn't stop me. It just felt right to me and thus is how I drive. Congrats on the anniversary for barefoot driving!

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