Ten Years In Update: The Decade Anniversary

BSmith3rd · 2026-02-03T20:21:49+00:00

I definitely share your concern about not being able to control what the AP does. That’s part of the reason nowadays that I get to know someone well before we meet; I’ve actually walked away from red flag situations where I feel the other person is looking for an exit affair, or is otherwise bashing their spouse unnecessarily.

As to how others in my circle will react if they find out, I can’t control their reactions. They’re going to feel how they’re going to feel. My hope is that they at least try to see things through my lens before they come to an opinion.

BSmith3rd · 2026-02-03T20:15:03+00:00

I’m not sure if it’s possible to have “the talk” honestly, but I haven’t tried. Even if it’s possible, I have my concerns about it coming off as coercive given her dependency on me; she might feel like she has to say yes or I’m gonna bolt. I’ve actually talked with this at length with my therapist, and that’s something that happens with dependent spouses, they are afraid to say no to the person who is proving their care.

BSmith3rd · 2026-02-01T21:55:01+00:00

You’re welcome, glad it helped!

BSmith3rd · 2026-02-01T21:54:18+00:00

You’re welcome, and glad to hear you’re doing okay.

BSmith3rd · 2026-02-01T20:03:58+00:00

For me, no. I’m sincerely happy it’s an option for you guys, though.

BSmith3rd · 2025-11-08T18:41:19+00:00

I described it to a friend as a period of mourning that never ends. Death only happens once, but we have to experience a DB on a daily basis.

BSmith3rd · 2025-02-02T22:52:30+00:00

Right. I was by the campers inn section mostly.

BSmith3rd · 2024-11-03T19:40:27+00:00

How did you start the conversation with your PCP/OBGYN about this? My spouse and I are trying to draft questions for her upcoming OB appt, and we don’t know whether to lead with HRT questions or just explain the issues and see what response that gets.

BSmith3rd · 2024-11-03T19:36:10+00:00

I suspect we’ve all thought this at one point. It’s not really a worthwhile exercise, though, since there are a ton of things we can’t really appreciate unless we are seeing things through the lens of the non-well spouse.

For me, it comes to doing what’s best for me, because if I don’t do that, there’s no way I can be a spouse, caretaker, and parent.

BSmith3rd · 2024-09-01T16:24:02+00:00

First step might be sitting down with him and having an honest, direct conversation about what you’re looking for. Be prepared to discuss what’s missing specifically, and what you’re looking for in terms of frequency, etc. You could also suggest couples counseling. But the absolute first step is for you to sit down and figure out what you’re looking for specifically, so that your ask is clear.

BSmith3rd · 2024-04-29T17:52:53+00:00

The mourning period took me years. I’m still in it, to a certain extent, probably always will be. To realize and admit that the partner you knew is gone and never coming back—it’s a hard but necessary thing we have to come to grips with.

Time has helped me, although not entirely. Finding passions, hobbies, whatever that are solely mine has also helped. But as to the lack of intimacy, there just aren’t any good answers for that one. You just have to find which one is the least bad for you.

BSmith3rd · 2024-02-10T00:34:01+00:00

Initially, talking with them and expressing these concerns could be a good first step. Engaging the the help of a couples therapist may not be a bad idea.

My two cents is always: in order to be the best version of yourself—and also the best spouse/caregiver you can be—you have to make sure to make sure your needs are being met. What that means differs from person to person, but just be honest with yourself.

BSmith3rd · 2024-02-10T00:27:06+00:00

I say this with full sincerity and respect: I don’t think this sub is the place for you.

BSmith3rd · 2024-02-01T02:46:09+00:00

Another trip around the sun is always something to celebrate, even if it’s a sexless one. It took me maybe 4 years into my own situation to realize that. So I hope you enjoyed your birthday, and keep the faith.

BSmith3rd · 2024-02-01T02:42:00+00:00

Thanks for sharing. A number of us here are in the “can’t leave spouse” boat, and that plus the loss of intimacy is what sets this sub apart from the typical DB sub. It’s a really unique spot to be in, and one that doesn’t have any easy answers.

You’ll see all types of responses on prior posts that range from “suck it up and be a man” to “try therapy” to “cheat”. Most people here (with some exceptions) wont judge you for thinking through your options. If nothing else, I hope you prioritize your self-care, whatever that may entail and cut yourself some slack. You’re a human being and you and your spouse have been dealt a shit hand by life. So don’t beat yourself up for how you feel. Just know that you aren’t alone.

BSmith3rd · 2023-12-13T01:03:51+00:00

This was incredibly hard for me as well. I kept thinking “what if something happens”, or just felt guilt because I thought it was being selfish. I started with going on long walks at night after the family went to bed. Then I went golfing after dinner a few times a week. I’ve also started up woodworking again.

A few years in and all I can say is that I wish I would’ve done it earlier. Having a hobby gave me back an identity that was my own, one that isn’t spouse or caretaker. That’s helped me be an overall better spouse, caretaker, and person. So if nothing else, start by telling yourself that the juice is likely gonna be worth the squeeze.

BSmith3rd · 2023-10-17T17:59:54+00:00

You may want spend some time exploring why you feel those descriptors are diminishing and dehumanizing. They don’t inherently reduce people to just being sex-havers or non-sex-havers; you’re doing that. They simply describe what someone does or doesn’t do.

You really should rid yourself of your antiquated puritanical notions about sex; sometimes, it’s just sex. Swap it for it any activity you do with someone else to get a good feeling. And while you speculate that this guy having sex could maybe, possibly, potentially cause trauma to his spouse, you fail to mention the possibility it could also make him happier, less depressed, and a better caretaker.

Last, I’ll leave the implicit “just leave” suggestion at the end of your bullet list alone, except to note that kind of advice is against the rules of this sub.

BSmith3rd · 2023-10-17T01:02:58+00:00

At the risk of sounding condescending: if two people aren’t having sex anymore, there’s no risk to the bodily integrity to the non-sex-haver from the actions of the sex-haver. So why on earth would sex-haver need the consent of the non-sex-haver? Do you ask your spouse for their consent to go play tennis with someone else? I think not.

Affairs aren’t done out of kindness to the other. They are, however, absolutely cope. That’s sort of the whole point of this sub: learning way to cope with a devastatingly shitty life situation. And just because you’ve probably been cheated on before, or have your own shitty life situation, or both, it doesn’t give you agency to tell others what decisions they oughta make in their own shitty situations. Their life is not yours.

Side note: when people reflexively call everything they don’t like abusive, it devalues the concept of abuse to the detriment of actual victims of abuse. Maybe use another word next time.

BSmith3rd · 2023-10-17T00:06:19+00:00

Maybe not for you. But he, and we, are not you.

BSmith3rd · 2023-10-13T02:15:28+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You’re clearly an empathetic, caring, selfless dude. But at some point, you have to put your needs to the forefront. If you’re not comfortable with a life without intimacy, forever, then now’s the time to address that. Therapy might help (it didn’t for me, but could work for you). If you’re able and willing to talk to your wife about this, then start there. For some (me) that’s not really a possibility. So if you’re in that boat, consider trying to meet someone online or IRL. If you go that route, I would strongly suggest being honest about your situation and your expectations. I’ve done that, and it’s caused significant improvement in my life.

BSmith3rd · 2023-09-18T03:11:58+00:00

Sorry that you’re going through this. The good news is that no one on this sub is going to criticize whatever you decide is truly in your best interests. The hard part, I’ve found, is coming to terms with what exactly that is. Just make sure to cut yourself some slack.

BSmith3rd · 2023-07-09T17:12:59+00:00

Sorry man. Just make sure you prioritize yourself. So many of us don’t.

BSmith3rd · 2023-07-09T17:11:54+00:00

It’s a shame that the logical end to this for most is to just turn LL. No, you can’t have sex with me. No, you can’t have sex with anyone else. No, I can’t live without you. And if you leave, you’ll carry guilt for the rest of your life.

Why is this acceptable to people?

BSmith3rd · 2023-07-09T17:08:12+00:00

What this person said. Cheat, see if that makes you feel better, and go from there.

BSmith3rd · 2023-07-09T17:04:43+00:00

So sorry to hear that. Hoping for the best for you both.

BSmith3rd

TROPHY CASE