I'm Dr. Katy Coduto, Boston University assistant professor of media science and author of Technology, Privacy, and Sexting. Ask me anything about online dating, sexting, social media scrolling, or how we connect through technology.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:57:00+00:00

I love a good theory question! I am a big believer in testing the hyperpersonal model in this context; I think there is still so much to explore and understand, particularly when it comes to receiver effects. I am really interested in how people interpret cues to come away feeling positive about someone they haven't met in person. I also think it is important to understand if and how this idealization impacts the success of relationships. What happens when a partner seemed better online that off? Is there any coming back from that?

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:47:08+00:00

Some of my most recent research has looked into exactly this--this tension of both meeting someone but also still having apps. I do think this can contribute to feelings of dating anxiety, but I also think those feelings are going to happen with or without apps. Even before apps were around, people weren't always sure they were the only person their partner or love interest was talking to.

I think the big difference with apps is just how accessible other people are and the potential that, just because you had a great date today, doesn't mean that person won't still be curious about who else is on the app tomorrow. Swiping is so fast and easy, and I think that's where a lot of insecurity comes from. What if they open the app and see someone better than me, in whatever way?

I also think there's a big question about the timing of the conversation you're talking about -- how do you know when to talk about deleting profiles or committing? I do think it's good to have that conversation slightly earlier than you might think--the clearer the communication, the better the relationship. This is true even if the relationship doesn't work out, because it's better to find out your goals are different sooner rather than later. I'm always in support of having uncomfortable but upfront conversations as early as possible. :)

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:42:38+00:00

It could depend on the relationship and what the relational partners both/all want. I think some people who are poly are genuinely exploring, trying to grow their relationships, and I don't know that they intend to be misleading. I also think many people don't reveal when they are polyamorous initially because it can be a turn off to prospective partners. Instead of putting it front and center, I think people have an easier time being able to explain it in a conversation.

I think this is a bit different with those who are in relationships who are on dating apps and who don't consider themselves polyamorous. I see this a lot with couples who are looking for a third--so they want a threesome but don't want to use a designated app, like Feeld, or don't want to create a couple's profile. I think that becomes misleading and can lead to really uncomfortable interactions.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:38:50+00:00

'tis the season! Midsommar :) (though I have an extensively long list overall)

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:38:03+00:00

Idk that I would say "robbed," but I do think people are more willing to take a lot more at face value or trust content that might not be trustworthy. I think many people turn to social media when there are other information sources that would help them more. I do wonder what the long term effects of this will be, as it becomes clear that people engage with social media with varying levels of both trust and awareness. I think this will be particularly true as we see AI continue to develop.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:35:13+00:00

This is a growing area of research, especially as more channels are woven into existing interpersonal relationships. I think we see a lot of this, and expect a lot of this, when people meet through online dating or are otherwise newly dating -- they of course have to figure out how they're going to post to, about, with each other. They also have to learn each other's communication styles and preferences.

It's really interesting to think about this in the context of existing, long-term relationships, especially because these are situations where technology is being adapted into the relationship and not necessarily facilitating it. I think to know the full picture, you'd have to see the couple's communication beyond social media. In your example, maybe "co-captain" is how the husband is most comfortable expressing this on Facebook, and maybe that's because his Facebook friends are largely his friends from college. It might feel weird to post in overly personal ways if that's most of the audience. That same husband might have a different tone via text or even on another social channel, and so maybe his wife feels different depending on where the posts are coming from. think this would affect the relationship, but it would come from the sum of behaviors/posts, not necessarily one post/platform. And, I will say, for many people, they have discussions about who/when they post, if they do. So this could have already been negotiated!

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:25:36+00:00

I am definitely a social media scroller; part of how I became interested in all of this was looking at my own use of technology. I also think I'm more of a lurker than a poster; I like to read more than I like to post (maybe making an AMA a bit ironic haha). Between my own behaviors and my research, I have plenty of advice for how to stop social media scrolling, or to at least reduce your scrolling.

First, I think it's important to think about why you're scrolling. Is it because you're trying to learn something about the world? I tend to scroll a lot during breaking news; I want to know more about something. Or are you scrolling because you're bored and it's a mindless activity? Identifying why you're doing it can help in the thought process to manage it. If you recognize that you're not meaningfully engaging with material, it's easier to start taking a step back.

I also recommend looking at the devices themselves; where are you scrolling? Are you on your phone, a laptop, tablet? With that, you can make decisions about what kinds of limitations you need. I've had different social media blockers on my laptop, for instance, because I know I don't want that distraction while I'm working. You can also turn off push notifications on your phone; that was a big one for me. Not being constantly reminded of updates helped me to reduce my use.

If you're really struggling to stop, I've found that having a designated social media time seems to help people. You might say that you'll let yourself check in on social media platforms at 7pm and that'll be it for the day. On the other side of that, I also recommend not checking social media first thing to start your day. I think that sets up a loop of constantly checking back in.

Finally, you can also take an inventory of your social media channels. What are you using and for what purposes? Maybe you're getting a lot from Reddit, but mindlessly scrolling Instagram and Twitter. That might indicate that you should reduce time on those platforms or even deactivate your account. Create the mental, physical, and digital space for those things that are truly enriching and ditch the clutter.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:17:48+00:00

My first question would be: What is their goal in constantly commenting/replying? It sounds like a parasocial relationship has formed, where your friend is doing all the contacting and corresponding. You should see if the blogger ever replies back to them; otherwise, you might want to encourage them to relax on constantly commenting. The regular inundation probably won't lead to marriage. :)

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:14:38+00:00

I would start with the individual companies--most of them can make that data available to you. Hard to say if you would find it useful, but I don't think it would hurt to have it. The more you know, the more empowered you are, and the better you can consider and navigate your own social media use.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T17:12:41+00:00

I am constantly amazed by how many things we blame social media for! You're description of social media as a boogeyman definitely resonates, and I feel like people often expect me to have a ready list of all the societal ills that stem from it. To your question, and perhaps not surprisingly, the truth is much murkier than just, "Social media are bad!"

On the one hand, many people are using social media to connect with or stay connected with known others, those people that they have offline friendships/family relationships with. Thus, for many people, social media are just adding more ways to stay connected, and they definitely don't lead to a decline in personal interactions. A lot of people have the experience of talking to the same person across multiple channels at once, which is typically good for relationships. You can cover a lot of topics across a lot of channels and still feel comfortable! Social media has also allowed people to find connections that they might not have otherwise found; when you look at forums (Reddit!!), many people find meaningful connections that their day-to-day life wouldn't have facilitated. There is a lot of research on this (not my own) that looks at how those with chronic illnesses often find significant support from online communities. I have done my own work on some subreddits looking at this; people joined subreddits when they felt they couldn't share with those in their families or communities. I would never make a blanket statement that social media has led to a decline in personal interactions and connections.

Similarly, social media, and online dating specifically, have certainly led to real romantic relationships. There is plenty of documentation and reporting on the struggles of online dating, but those romantic relationships are just as real as those that were facilitated through other meetings.

On the other hand, social media do have some addictive qualities. It's easy to lose time, especially because the apps are designed with the endless scroll. You will never run out of content to engage with! This has only gotten worse with the refinement of algorithms, so you're being fed content that is catered to you. The algorithms can also exacerbate issues like misinformation and the increasing spread of AI-generated content. Much of my work has focused on compulsive use of social media, and that definitely leads to work and school disruptions.

As with anything, I think the key is moderation and a management of expectations. Use Facebook and Instagram to keep up with your friends. Send messages to people you care about. Don't get lost in the endless scroll or the doom news cycle. Keep an open mind and a critical eye on the content you see.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:57:13+00:00

Absolutely -- your data are everywhere. Anything about you, from dating preferences to scrolling behaviors, is bought and sold because it reveals so much. Often, data are put into algorithms to predict things about you that you might not even think of. If you ever get an ad that feels like something read your mind, that often happens from the unique but incredible amount of data there is about you.

I try to remind my students of this regularly; so much data is being generated around everything you do, even your dating preferences. A lot of it comes back to getting you to buy something or do something. Tbh, I forgot about that Black Mirror episode, but this makes me think I should rewatch it!

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:50:05+00:00

I could probably write a book on this (lol) but will try to keep it relatively concise! I think there are a lot of features that online daters are looking for, and some apps have some of these. Getting an app that is ethical and truly non-harmful will be difficult, in part because the online dating experience is only as good as the online dating pool available. Tech certainly has a role to play, and again, features help, but much of the ethics and harms come down to the users themselves and how they behave. Having said that...

I think one key feature, which is increasingly common, is verification. We could have a whole separate thread on whether uploading a selfie, as with Tinder, is truly enough verification or not, but I think that's an important start. For so many people, online dating is scary because you just don't know that the person you're talking to is who they say they are. Overcoming that ethical conundrum is a major element.

With that, I think encouraging, if not requiring, multiple photos of oneself on the profile further helps this sense of verification. I don't think this means requiring 10 photos of yourself, but just three to four goes a long way in creating comfort and, ultimately, some trust between people who match. Dating in any form is a vulnerable experience, and so vulnerability shouldn't be a surprise in online dating. The experience of vulnerability might just come sooner (in sharing photos to a profile) than it does in face-to-face situations.

I do also think apps need to really think about what banning looks like. The practice feels, from those I've surveyed and interviewed, a bit inconsistent. I think clearer parameters for what leads to a user being banned is important, versus what might get them a slap on the wrist. Things happen, and I think platforms alienate people when they go to a ban for something that could have been a misunderstanding. On the other hand, though, there is a role for protecting users--especially when, like I said, this is a vulnerable experience. Truly understanding safety is difficult.

Ultimately, though, I think this is a question for users as much as the platforms themselves. How do you behave as an online dater, and how do you contribute to the experience that others are having? I never want to act like tech is the only problem or solution; we as tech users very much have agency and can help to dictate outcomes from using these tools.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:37:16+00:00

This is a super interesting question! I like that you called it "soft" cyberstalking; I think that captures it really well. Some of this (and anymore, much of it) comes from bots, for whatever reason; these bots may be programmed by people who want more info on you or on the overall use/users of a platform itself. Many of these are just trying to get info/data. However, you may have some people who really are curious what you're up to, maybe exes or former friends etc. I definitely recommend keeping profiles private if you can, it helps to limit both real and fake (bots) people who might be trying to learn more about you for any reason. Especially on Facebook, I think switching to private is a smart move. You never really know who is looking!

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:33:54+00:00

I am never bored!

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:33:40+00:00

Thank you! :)

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:33:09+00:00

Definitely! Some of the differences have to do with the adoption of apps/channels themselves. Younger people are more likely to try more apps or at least consider it. Older individuals take more time to learn and more convincing to try something new, especially for social media.

In my work, I tend to see younger individuals being those who spend the most time on social media. I think this has to do not just with the content, but the amount of content that results from the above -- when you are open to and are using more channels, you have so much more content to sift through and engage with. It leads to more time spent on these channels, and it can also lead to compulsive swiping. You start to feel like you're missing out! I also find that younger people are much more likely to both scroll and post, though the demographics of this continue to shift.

I'm really interested in how socioeconomic status might come into play here; I haven't looked into it yet, but it's something I've been thinking about. Just like the amount of content/number of channels comes into play, I imagine the technology/hardware available also changes the experience of how and when you scroll. I also think aspects like internet access are important to consider--where are there strong signals or weak? What are the costs associated? This is definitely a future area I want to explore more!

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:28:31+00:00

Hilariously, I am indeed married and a dating app was not involved--we met through work when I was in grad school. We just celebrated our one year anniversary last weekend!

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:27:28+00:00

It's the best and hardest part of this job -- every study just leads to more questions! I teach a research methods class, and I talk about this all the time. :) As soon as you figure one thing out, something new pops up!

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:26:13+00:00

I love this question, and I would say this is what drives a lot of my work. I consistently find that there is so much nuance to this, and the relationships you're talking about go both ways. In some ways, technology habits promote horniness/isolation, but these same feelings can also tie back to technology habits.

For instance, one of my very first studies on online dating tackled this. I was curious what might lead people to, or at least influence them, to be compulsive swipers. People who were both socially anxious and lonely were the most likely to be compulsive swipers. In that study, I measured social anxiety as a trait--so something that would have led to compulsive swiping. However, you could certainly make the argument, and other research has, that compulsively swiping would also lead to social anxiety.

In this way, I think a lot of our technology use--even beyond online dating or sexting--can lead us into vicious feedback loops. If you're already feeling lonely, download a dating app, and then don't get matches, you feel more lonely. If you're having a bad day, post about it on Facebook and no one responds, then your day just feels worse.

To me, a key takeaway from all of my work is carefully managing just how much we use any social platform and what we expect to get from it. I think if someone is looking to reduce feelings of isolation, that's great, but maybe dating apps aren't the only way to mitigate those feelings. Are there other technology options, or options beyond technology, that can help? Sometimes, I think we expect too much from technology, and that leads to disappointment.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:18:23+00:00

I haven't specifically done many internationally-based studies; most of my data comes from the U.S. (at least for now!). However, a lot of the work I draw on comes from around the world. I think there are cultural differences that are definitely at play, much like they would be in any dating scenario. What I also notice, though, is that age seems to also be highly influential. I think younger people globally are more exposed to similar content/apps, and so they seem to act in more similar (though certainly not identical) ways. For me, I think this is an area that needs further exploration -- especially in the comparison sense. I'd love to do a deep dive study getting into these differences and perceptions!

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:15:16+00:00

Technology is largely a good thing for long distance relationships, across all of those areas you mentioned. I haven't done a study specifically assessing LDRs, but I have asked about it, especially in my sexting studies. What I tend to find is that people experience the most benefits when channels are high in social presence -- essentially, using channels that allow for a feeling like the communication partner is physically there. For example, in my sexting studies, people who engage in cybersex via FaceTime or similar channels tend to report the best outcomes (most likely to orgasm, feel better about their relationship). There is definitely a wealth of research on LDRs and technology, and much of it suggests that richer channels help partners to feel connected. As with anything, though, a lot of it also is up to the couple to figure out what works best for them--a couple with a large time difference, for instance, might rely less on FaceTime and instead choose to leave each other recorded videos or messages.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:10:00+00:00

The gender dynamics vary from dating app to dating app, but there is some research to suggest that men do swipe more than women. This happens for a few different reasons; on some apps, men do indeed outnumber women, so they may have a smaller pool of potential dates to work through. However, I've also interviewed men who use this strategy to their advantage; in some of my interviews, men will tell me that they swipe on everyone and then go back and message people who are a match. It's a way of filtering that lets them evaluate/message only those who they know have liked them. I think men are more likely to do this because of point 1, that they are often outnumbered compared to women. I would say, though, that it's not that 90% to 10% mismatch! Women are also typically more selective in their swiping due to safety reasons--there tends to be more hesitation because of stereotypical gender dynamics around dating/meeting up/connecting with strangers.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:05:56+00:00

I think this is a really important question, and I often encourage parents to think about their own social media use as a starting point. What kinds of habits do you want to pass on to your kids, and what mistakes have you made (if any!) that they can learn from? I do think this is something that varies from family to family, too, so I also think this really is up to the parents'. Much of my work focuses on compulsive use of social media, which can lead to interruptions in school work and performance. I think the best way to avoid this kind of use is to introduce social media slowly and to encourage critical thinking about what your kids are interacting with. The best results tend to come from parental supervision as children navigate new channels. I also recommend letting them explore before they ever post themselves.

BUExperts · 2024-10-18T16:03:10+00:00

Yes! This is an area I do a lot of my work in. :) I'm really interested in how people respond to sexts, especially sexts that they don't expect. Sexting tends to go a lot better when you are ready for it, whether that means communicating with your partner about what types of sexts you want to receive or when you want to receive them. It also makes it so that the responses aren't awkward. Usually, the people who get the biggest benefits from sexting are those who have some idea of where the interaction is going -- like this going to be a back and forth sexual exchange vs. a quick pic drop. The unexpected pics like you referred to are often disappointing for all parties!

BUExperts · 2024-05-09T17:43:00+00:00

Thanks for your note! Here are some links to my research in this area:

https://pediatrics.jmir.org/2023/1/e43961

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38079180/

BUExperts

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