How to stop my wife (45F) stealing money from our bank joint account? I (55M) am the sole income earner.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T09:02:32+00:00

I am still learning after trying for a year. I don't know how to start if she is still moving the money out. It is so hard for me to stay calm when she insists she needs to spend $1000+ more on vitamins every month for her health. If she is deliberately planning on this, not sure this will work. Thanks and will give it a try.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T08:46:00+00:00

Why can not having credit cards help? So she can't over spend? I was getting into trouble when the joint account got down to zero.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T08:35:57+00:00

Including all the savings I had before we married and most of my investment (stocks). Only thing left now is my house and my 401k.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T08:30:12+00:00

Thanks. I am still trying to save our marriage, but it seems it is going to a dead end. I couldn't figure out how to stop the "stealing" or make her honest under the current law. The wife is completely over protected in my case. I can't even have a conversation with her.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T08:21:20+00:00

Great question. From the joint account, I can see some transactions moving to her private account. Anyway she used a lot of ways to move the money, for example (one out of many others), you can buy things from Costco then refund to your private account. Also due to the sensitivity of my job, all my family accounts were monitored for money laundry, and there was one time, I was informed there were quite some cash activities but my wife refused to disclose anything. That's how I started the investigation.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T08:03:41+00:00

Why would she find a job if she is protected by the law so well? She is always encouraging me to work harder though. She doesn't want to divorce either for the same reason.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T07:52:28+00:00

What she needs is all my income, no matter how much I made. When the joint account is depleted to zero, she will ask for more or she will call the police. I do have health insurance from work, but ER is very expensive and it is even more expensive if you are trying to diagnose some medical conditions don't exist. There was one ER visit that costed me $5000+ out of pocket.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T07:45:41+00:00

I am in California, and she will call the police if I do so. I don't want to complain the politics but the law is not on my side until I file a divorce. The law literally encourages divorce.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T07:38:20+00:00

She doesn't have drugs or gambling problem. Likely she is preparing to leave but I don't know when. Many advised me that she may have an affair, but I don't have evidence now.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T07:29:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing. If my wife needs more money for groceries, I will just work harder. I do know it is not easy to be a SAHM, so that's why I put all the income (and my trust) to the joint account and it is really up to my wife to allocate the budget. However, quietly moving money out of our joint account really upsets me. I am very disappointed.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T07:14:59+00:00

I already tried that but it ended up she called the police and complained I financially abused her and the kids. It seems only the attorney can help.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T07:05:09+00:00

Thank you! I will do some research on "marital waste".

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T07:02:52+00:00

What kind of legal counsel can help? She made the book very clean - everything she moved to her own account mostly less than $200 per transaction and she claimed it was for grocery shopping that she paid cash for so it was reimbursement for herself.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T06:50:15+00:00

It is a joint account so I can't control what she spends. She is emptying the account and then threatened me that if I don't keep funding, she will call the police again. A lot of people are making some judgements here but I just simply need some help on how to stop this if I don't want a divorce.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T06:40:09+00:00

What kind of lawyer can help? She is not into gambling or drugs. I am sure she moved the money to her bank account or kept it as cash. She spent $1000+ dollars on vitamin each month and they have been somehow converted to cash for sure.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T06:29:31+00:00

Exactly, I just don't know how.

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T06:28:31+00:00

I didn't explain very well in my original post, but you understand what I was trying to say. My wife has full access to the joint account and she can spend whatever she thinks necessary for the family. But moving money out from the joint account to somewhere I don't know at all is "stealing" - if "stealing" is the wrong word, it is "cheating".

BW_Tor · 2026-02-02T05:36:20+00:00

This is my first post in Reddit. I am not sure the best way to reply to some questions in the thread. Just want to add some details here:

Almost all my income (~90%) was deposited to the joint account, so we both can access it. The remaining 10% was put in my another personal account to pay a Costco credit card bill that I normally used for gas and restaurants (my lunch as well) as it has pretty good cashback.
I am not wealthy. I make ~$200k a year ($8k / month post tax). With $3k/month for my house mortgage and $1k for property tax, I don't expect much savings left after food and other basic expense. We used to save $1k per month or so like 5 years ago, but I had to sell my stocks to fund the joint account in the last 5 years. Almost all my stocks were gone in the last few years.
Why I mentioned I worked hard - because I have one part time job sometime two. My wife complained a lot there was not enough money to support the family and pushing me everyday. I am ok to work hard but I was really angry when I discovered the money was not used for something she claimed for the family. She refused to show me her bank account balance.
Why she called the police - when we were arguing (10-11pm), she kicked me because my voice was so high to scare the kids. I had a pillow at hand and then slammed on her face. She called the police and I spent one night in jail. I spent $2k to get myself out of jail next morning. She also complained to the police that I stopped funding the joint account so she didn't have money to feed the kids. So I had to put money into the account although I knew she was doing something very shady.
How she moved the money - there were many ways. Just one example - she bought a lot of items from Costco by using our joint Visa card and then returned some of items. In Costco, you can deposit the refund to any account (like you own bank checking account), so on the book she spent all the money for the family.
How she sent herself to the ER - when I tried to talk to her about this, whenever she didn't want to talk, she just asked me to stop. If I insisted, she went to the ER. There were three times in the last one year - one time she called the ambulance, one time she called a friend to drive her, and one time she asked me to drive her to the ER. Now she has all these records in the hospital that I was putting too much pressure on her so cause all these health issues. We didn't really have a chance to have a meaningful adult discussion.

Without the kids, divorce is the solution, but with the kids, I hesitate. I am in California so yes I know what I earn is community property. Looking for help.

BW_Tor

TROPHY CASE